DIL has cut us off and now she is pregnant

[texasmom]

My son, who I have always been very close to, is only 20 and he married someone 8 years older than him with two children.  They have now been married for over a year.  

We did not understand why he wanted to take on this responsibility at his age, but her family was very supportive of it.  As the relationship progressed, we began to realize that something was very wrong.  She was hot and cold to us, sometimes including us in their lives, other times excluding us all together.  

We have fallen in love with her children, and were allowed to keep them once a week.  My son and his wife fight a lot.  He finally confided in us how horrible she was to him.  She would throw his clothes on the lawn for any reason and tell him to get out and that it was over.  This happened often.  He would come home for the night because he had to be at work the next morning at 7 am.  We would always give him refuge, otherwise he would sleep in his car all night.  

He said he was confused, felt like he was losing his identity and self worth. Heartbreaking for me to see, but she would beg him to come back the very next day and he would.  

After my son came home from a very heated fight about 6 months ago, he was emotionally and physically abused (scratches and bites on his body), we finally spoke out against her actions and confronted her and her parents against his will. But something had to be said.

That completely made her outraged and she said we couldn't see the kids anymore.  She and her parents (who enable her), convinced my son to mend things between them and demanded an apology from us, even though we only pointed out that she had a serious problem and it wasn't right to treat our son so horribly.  He is committed to make this marriage work and now we have been told that she is pregnant with our first grandchild.  She will not let us be a part of their lives and we haven't seen her children in 6 months. The only time we see our son is if we stop by his work place to say hi.  Otherwise we would never see him.

She was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, which was hidden from us.  Her family had my son promise to keep this confidential, but he told us after they were married.  She was only his second girlfriend!  He is so very young and is trying so hard to be a good husband and father, but it is never good enough and she constantly tells him so.  Her job pays the bills while he is in college and has a part time job.  This makes her have even more power over him and abuses it often, reminding him who runs the show.

He does not confide in us anymore, but I know the abuse still continues.  We constantly pray for him, her children and the baby on the way, but I am so horribly sad that we are not a part of their lives, when he is constantly with her parents and siblings.  They live 15 minutes from us in a gated community, but we are not allowed to visit!

We have been rejected and tossed aside.  I have two sons, and he is the oldest, just 20 years old.  He also does not communicate with his younger brother anymore.  I am heartbroken on so many levels.  

We have apologized on the phone to them and her parents for how we handled it.  She said she accepted our apology but said we still cannot see the children who are 8 and 4.  I just don't know what to do at this point.  I have sent gifts to her through my son, but not even a thank you is sent.  I truly want to love her and her children!  We welcomed them into our family with no reservation once we knew our son was hell bent on marrying her.  But it's never quite enough, we seem to always fall short and are a disappointment to her.  I know that she would rather not deal with us.  

Any help would be so welcomed.  At this point, my son is a completely different person, only being cordial to us when we visit with him.  But he is even considering working in their family business after graduation, so we'll never see him, not even at work if this continues the way it is now.

Did I mention that she has unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me from her Instagram so I can't see photos of the children?  Ugh.  

[VitaminC]

Hi Texasmom,

Firstly I'd like to welcome you here and say that I hope you will find the support you need. I can imagine that you feel very sad indeed to not see your son and the children he cares for. I can also understand your concerns for his well-being and safety.

As hard as it may be, you will probably need to accept that whatever you're doing now is not getting the result you want (to see your son, the kids, and be involved in their lives). I can see that his youth would make you worried that he will not be able to cope, especially as your DIL is now pregnant with their child. Finding a way to not be perceived as a threat by his wife is probably the first step. Possibly, less is more, in this scenario.

The more you apologize and ask and push, the more you will be rejected.  Right now your access to them is tolerated only moderately and not in their home. As you describe your interaction with your son now, it sounds as if you perceive that he has pulled back and is not open with you about his life. At least not as open as you would like. 

I wonder if the whole situation would benefit if you pulled back a little yourselves? If you made it clear that you love and support your son and his choices and have an open door policy for him, and his family, to come and visit or call you at any time? Expecting an immediate reversal of the current situation is probably not realistic.

My own brother did something similar many years ago. A young man, an older partner with children already. My parents in paroxyms of fear about what would happen to him and how he would manage. They tried very hard, but it took them years, to accept his choice of partner and life. None of it has been easy. There were many difficult times in that relationship (I don't know if my SIL has BPD, but she certainly has serious issues that make her a very difficult person to trust or have normal dealings with).   

My parents have found that they could not "rescue" their son from the life he has chosen for himself. In the end, they had to reach a compromise in how much interaction they were able to have and how much access to the son they loved. They work hard to respect his choice and keep their opinions and concerns to themselves - the alternative meant that for very long periods they were not able to see their son at all.

I don't know if that helps. It's a difficult situation, but maybe you can help yourselves, you and your husband, by learning about the condition here.

Take care,
VitaminC

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Texasmom:  
I'd like to join VitaminC in welcoming you!  I'm so sorry about the situation with your son.  It has to be very heartbreaking for you.

The story is rather familiar, and there are many others who have posted similar stories.  Your story is very familiar to me as well.  It has several similarities to my nephew's situation.

My nephew married an older woman as well.  This woman had 4 children, when my nephew met her.  The children were from multiple fathers.  One of the baby daddies warned my nephew that she will likely get pregnant to trap him.  Sure enough, my nephew didn't heed the advice and she got pregnant.  A year or two ago, I overheard my nephew talking to his mom about how controlling his wife is and that he thought about making an exit plan sometime in the future.  Oops, another baby.

The dynamics with my nephew and his wife have always been strange.  My nephew's wife rarely went to any family events with my nephew's side of the family.  Whenever she attended, it was like she was visiting the drive through window at a fast food restaurant.  The premise for attending appeared to be only to pick up a gift for their mutual child.  My nephew's wife rarely ate anything.  Usually no food at all.  At most, a bite or two and then left 90% of the food on the plate. (you would think she was being served tainted food)  I can't remember his wife ever staying over a hour.  Occasionally, my nephew would come by himself.  

After my son came home from a very heated fight about 6 months ago, he was emotionally and physically abused (scratches and bites on his body), we finally spoke out against her actions and confronted her and her parents against his will.  But something had to be said.
That completely made her outraged and she said we couldn't see the kids anymore.  She and her parents (who enable her), convinced my son to mend things between them and demanded an apology from us, even though we only pointed out that she had a serious problem and it wasn't right to treat our son so horribly.  He is committed to make this marriage work and now we have been told that she is pregnant with our first grandchild.  She will not let us be a part of their lives and we haven't seen her children in 6 months.

Physical violence in never okay from either side.  My nephew and his wife fight a lot as well, especially after partying and drinking on the weekends. It has turned physical in the past.  Although I don't know all the facts, my understanding is that she gets physical with my nephew.  Unfortunately, my nephew has responded by getting physical back.  My nephew was the one who got assault charges against him.

It can seem natural to want to take action to protect your child.  Unfortunately, when you aggressively take a position, things can turn against you when a child reconciles with a spouse.  Things don't turn out logically.

Did I mention that she has unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me from her Instagram so I can't see photos of the children?  Ugh.

Unfortunately, social media seems to be a big source of conflict.  Should you gain access in the future, take on the strategy that if you don't have anything nice to say, stay silent.  The same would apply with anything you don't agree with (just say nothing).

Perhaps the best thing to do right now is to take some time to learn about BPD and come up with some strategy to deal with both your son and DIL.  There are several links to the right of this post and two threads pinned at the top of this messageboard,  "Lessons" and "Suggested Reading", that have lots of helpful information.  Learning about BPD, and some strategy and communication skills, can help you manage how you react and interact.  That is the what you have control over.

Perhaps you will find a time, when you can have a productive conversation with your son.  Probably the best you can do is to let your son know that you are there to help him. You can't change him or likely convince him to leave his wife.  You may be able to lead him to learn about tools to handle someone with BPD. Perhaps you can guide your son to gain some knowledge of BPD, communication strategy and coping skills.

Has your son had any therapy?  If not, maybe you can convince him to go.  The more he learns about BPD and how to handle his wife, the better his life will be (and likely the life of his child).  Perhaps you can tell your son about this website and he can post and interact with people on the relationship boards?

[texasmom]

I have since read "Stop Walking On Eggshells".  But I had tried to give him information on her disorder, thinking that it was news to him (but he already knew).  It was when he was tossed out again and home in his old room.  I thought that would be the best time to share with him. 
He ended up going back to her a couple of days later and showed her my letter.  That is pretty much when it all fell apart.  They called us and were on speaker phone together.  They told us that the letter was "poison" and that I was trying to destroy their marriage.  We were able to see her children once a week for a "play day" until she saw that letter.
Even though she now admits that she was diagnosed with BPD, she says that she doesn't want us to influence her children against her.  We have NEVER spoken negatively about their mother.  We only want to love on them and spend quality time with them in a positive, happy environment.  They know very well what their mother is like behind closed doors... .more than we do.  But she feels we would be a negative influence now.  So no more visits... .not for 6 months now.  They love us!  They would ask us if they could please stay with us overnight, which she only allowed one time.
Today I gave my son a birthday gift for her little girl that I have been carrying in my car for a few months because my husband and I were not invited to her "big 4" birthday party in August.  That broke my heart.  The only way I saw the pictures of the party was through a friend of the family on instagram.  They were there, we weren't.
Anyway, I gave him the gift today and I texted DIL to let her know that I had given him a belated gift for her daughter... .no response, as usual.  She might have even thrown it away.  The hard part is, she is due with our first "real" grandchild in May.  I am praying that somehow she will soften her heart toward us and let us be part of that child's life, along with her first two.  All we want is for  us all to be a happy family.  She is very close to her side of the family.  My son sees them several times a week and has announced recently that he may go to work in her brother's business!  Since they've been married, for a year and a half now, she has been her maybe 3 times.  He only comes home when he is kicked out.  But he is going into business with her side of the family?  Amazing.
He told me that he couldn't promise me that we would see them during the holidays either.  He looked very doubtful.  I was hoping at least that might be something to bring us together.
Last year we got 2 hours on Christmas Eve morning... .then it was all about her family.

[Notwendy]

I think it would help you to read about the drama (Karpman) triangle to understand the dynamics of what went on.

It was very similar to me as an adult daughter. My father was seriously ill and I had concerns about him being in my BPD mother's care. I stepped in to try to help- but stepped into rescuer mode, but addressed her issues. That placed me into persecutor role with them. Mother stepped into victim mode. My father then stepped in to rescue her.

A common "persecutor" can act as a bonding agent in a relationship that is conflicted. Instead of looking at the conflicts between them, the two people in the relationship bond together and look at the common "persecutor". Projection has a part in this. People who do not look closely at their own actions and feelings which contribute to conflict can project and blame someone else.

Your son came to stay with you. You did what I think any caring mother would do- offer him help. Yet, even though his marriage was in conflict, he was also in conflict- still wanted the relationship and participating in the dynamics between him and his wife.

There is a cycle to these abusive conflicts. A period of relative calm as tension rises, then a rage outburst- then the person who rages can feel remorseful and try to bring the relationship back by being affectionate, caring. The partner can return at this point hoping things will be better but the cycle generally repeats itself.

There is also the push/pull. With your son at your home, his wife might have felt abandoned, fearful, and made attempts to get him back. Projection may have caused her to blame you for her feelings.

Here is where I believe your son violated your relationship with him for the payoff of this bonding with your wife. He showed her the letter. I experienced something similar when my father showed my mother an e mail I sent him. My parents read way more into that e mail than it ever said. It became a symbol to them, of something to be angry at me about. Although my mother read his e mails, he often sat at his computer working, and he had a choice to show it to her or not. He did. Although it troubled me that my father would sacrifice our relationship, the payoff for him was great- when he and my mother could bond over a common "persecutor", it brought stability to their relationship.

Like you, I focused on the BPD person's issues in the marriage. However, my father played a part in the issues. Your son does too. This may be the harder part for you to acknowledge, but these types of relationships are a function of both people. Boundary issues also involve both people. Your son did not have to show his wife that letter, and my father didn't have to share my e mails with my mother. Some of this I think is enmeshment, but I also think they were motivated by the payoff- not consciously but in a desperate attempt to bring some harmony with the spouse they love- and chose.

These dynamics baffled me. While you see them in your young and likely impressionable son, I observed them in a fully grown man, someone who I saw as a strong adult. To me, it appeared as if my mother ( and her FOO ) owned him-as if he didn't have a mind of his own. But the other side of this coin is that- he chose this. He allowed it. Even if it was difficult, he still chose it. I had to accept that, and stop "competing" with my mother for his sensibility- approaching him with logic.That was not a battle I could win. The bond between them was stronger than my logic.

I think it would help if you could stay at neutral- non-reactive- ground with this couple. Neither push for contact with the kids, or your son, but also let them know the door is open- not pull so far back that you are also reacting to them. Your participation in this drama fuels the triangle. I understand how this is hurtful, but you can not be effective if you feel like a victim in this dynamic or try to rescue( none of the roles are effective).

How does one get off this triangle? That is a challenge, but a step is to focus on yourself- not your son or these issues. This is a big task for a mother. Continue to learn about these dynamics, and also take steps to self care. Counseling can help you deal with your feelings and help you navigate these dynamics. You may need to come up with some creative ways to celebrate the holidays rather than having a sad one hoping for a few minutes of your son's attention. ( I am envisioning something like taking a trip with the younger son- Christmas at a mountain cabin, or other place you may have wanted to visit). It seems counter intuitive to back off, but redirecting your energy to self care is step off the triangle. 

[Notwendy]

This is also an opportunity to look in the mirror at your own parenting/relationship style. This is not in a blaming fashion- you are a great mother and mothers who love their kids do what they can to help them. But if there are aspects of enabling/co-dependency in your parenting style, learning to manage these aspects may help you in the long run with your relationship with your son.

Considering his age, he may very well be acting in part out of his teen age brain. Although his wife is older, BPD includes arrested emotional development. They may be emotional equals, and she may even be emotionally younger than he is. Some BPD behaviors are typical of teens. The difference is that the teens grow up.

Romeo and Juliet is a prototypical story- two teens against their families makes for romance. I have seen it stated that if a teen is "in love" with someone a parent objects to- it fuels that romance. There are books and resources about this.

Your son met this woman at the age a teen struggles to differentiate from a parent. Some teens do this benignly- color their hair green, wear strange clothing, listen to obnoxious music. Parents both roll their eyes and let this happen. Some teens take more drastic steps which distress their parents. Your son is at the age where a lot of kids do this in college- test limits, party, don't go to class. Some feel the freedom to reject their parents' religion, or take on other ideas and identities, They don't know who they are yet, but they want to be different from their parents and the more their parents try to pull them in, the more they push. Parents walk a fine line during this growth, a balance between protecting, boundaries, and not enabling.

I am taking a guess at this, but looking at your son's age, time may be to your advantage. We tend to choose partners who match us emotionally in some ways. He may be a match for his wife at the moment, but he is also likely to mature developmentally, and she may not. There is no way to know what he will do or choose at this point. But with regards to his relationship with you, he will possibly act more mature in time.

Parenting a teen/young adult is a challenge for many parents. While our impulse, and our roles as parents are to protect them, there comes a time when we are not able to completely do that. It helps if this growth proceeds gradually, but with your son, it was all at once.

" All we want is for  us all to be a happy family ". Those are the exact words my father said to me when I started to set boundaries between my mother and my children. What he meant was his idea of a happy family. But that was not my idea. In fact, I was unhappy, but had no way of ever getting that idea through to them. It also had nothing to do with my kids' welfare. His idea of a happy family was keeping my mother happy by pretending she was fine and not protecting my children. Basically, my father wanted the family to behave how he wanted, not about anyone else.

I know you aren't like that- you don't have BPD and you care greatly about the children, and also your son. It could be though, that your idea of a happy family and your son's ideas of a happy family are different. Although, I understand as a mom, that this division in your family is heartbreaking, looking at your son to change in order to be a happy family may not be as effective as taking steps to self care- to gain some of your own happiness in this dilemma.