Fed up with daughter-in-law

[fedupwithdil]

Hello

I've been dealing with a toxic daughter in law for 12 years. I have four grandchildren who she will not allow me to see. Although my son has fought for me over the years, he has finally succumbed to her wishes to keep me out of their family. I suspect that she has BPD as she has most of the qualities. I have appealed to her by writing letters, but they are never good enough. She has accused me of so many ridiculous things, all lies, and I am powerless. My son, to my great sadness, now believes her and I have no voice. I have given up on the whole thing after overextending myself for many years. It's so very sad, but i have to walk away or go crazy myself. The children don't know me, nor I them, and that is a crime.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello fedupwithdil,



I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing being cut off from your grandchildren. It is one of the most painful things one can go through - to be so unfairly alienated from their child and to not be able to see their grandchildren. BPD is a terrible condition that destroys relationships in the whole family.

We have been going through something similar with my step-daughter (uBPD = undiagnosed BPD) who is treating her dad (my husband) in very much the same way and we and the grandchildren are suffering for it. Her husband (our SIL) is passively going along with it, although she has alienated not only us, but also all but one of his siblings and his mother as well. It is a very sad predicament for the children - to never know who they are going be cut off from and who is going to be the bad guy of the day/month.

You will find lots of members here who completely understand your feelings of pain and also feeling fed up and "done" with the whole situation. When it all gets to be too much, it is ok to leave the situation be (at least for the time being) and to turn in for support and healing.

Where are you at right now, fedupwithdil? Have you recently experienced another traumatic upset and cutoff, or have you been in 'limbo' for a while now? Do you have supportive people in your life that can help you cope with this or are you doing this alone? Feel free to share what you are comfortable with, writing our story down and finding others who understand what we are going through is a balm in itself... .

[Lookingforserenity]

Fed up with dil, I can definitely relate with you. My dil has tried to alienate my son from all his family and friends for the last four years. He is a smart guy and it amazes me that she has so much influence over him even though he has admitted to me that she has such irrational behavior. He waffles back and forth. Just before Christmas, she kicked him out and I gave him money to live in a hotel. She talked him into coming home and now he won't talk to me. She has told him terrible lies about me. Said I was trying to harm their kids which was not true. She hates me because she knows that my son and I were always close. I think she hated me before she even met me. I have been reading lots of posts on this site and it really helps to know that I am not alone. I also try to acknowledge that she has a severe mental disease and can't control her behavior. Very hard to do and I am not perfect. I still want to blame her for the evil and cruel things she does. But just keep reading and posting and it helps. Will keep you in my thoughts. Thanks for sharing. So good to hear from someone that has my story.

[funfunctional]

Hi Fedup,

So sorry to hear this.  This is painful for you.  WOW - if one of my kids spouses someday does this I am going to FREAK out.   Grandparents are such a gift to grandchildren.    Why doesn't she just let you love them.    I would even agree to supervised visits like "you don't have to leave them alone with me but can we just all hang together?.     Wonder if she has so many relationship issues that she has unconditional love from her kids and is over-protecting it cause she has failed at so many other relationships.  She may be so insecure and paranoid.   

[jdtm]

This posting is a copy of a reply I made to another person re DIL on one of the other boards.  I hope it helps.  One more thought - if you are unable to see your grandchildren, try sending cards, postcards, even gifts through the mail (although I might suggest you send them to your son's place of work).  Some grandparents in our situation have set up "college funds" and deposit their Christmas/Birthday monies in it; others have started a scrapbook of happy memories of family members from whom the children are estranged, if old enough - social media is a possibility (luckily we are able to use this method).  It is not easy ... .



I have lived what you are going through.  Our son's first wife (yes, he divorced her - actually she left him and abandoned her children) acted this way for several years.  It still hurts.  We were accused of things we never did, never said, never even thought.  I tried and tried to "solve" the problems in our relationship.  But, when the problem belongs to someone else, you can't fix it.  I had trouble with that fact.

Your DIL does not want you in her life - I suspect because she is so needy, self-centered and jealous.  I suspect she is making your son choose - her or others (family, friends and neighbours).  I expect your son still cares for you;  although you will only be present in his thoughts.  If your son's home is similar to what our son endured, his entire day will be spent trying to "keep the lid on" as our ex-DIL would get upset over nothing (and this rage/anger would continue for at least two weeks).  Our son said that even if she "saw" me - in my yard while passing by, by accident in a shopping center, whatever - it would be enough to send her off on a long-term rage.  But for now, the family you envisioned will not be.  Even now for us, after our son has remarried, the collateral damage is there.  However ... .

I wish I knew 20 years ago what I know now.  I would have gone on with my life (and not wasted so much time and energy trying to "fix" something over which I had no control).  Funny - the more/harder I tried to "fix"; the worse the situation got.  I wasted far too many years (good years) feeling "sorry" for myself.  I would have "grieved" the loss of my family expectations and celebrated the blessings I had (our other son and his family are treasures, indeed).  I would have continued to be friendly to our estranged son and his family (even though I know our invitations, telephone calls, letters, etc. were ignored).  I would have engaged only with our son - not at the home but telephone/contact him at work   I would not have blamed, cried, begged or pleaded; it only made things worse.  I would have "pretended" we were all doing the best we could - and maybe we would have been.  After some time, I was able to "get on with my life" by changing many of my old habits - church, shopping centers, interests, new friends, holiday rituals, etc.  My husband and I created a "new life"; we even moved.

Oh, it still hurts but not as deeply and not as often.  The family I envisioned is not what I have but life can be "good" again.  It's just not what you hoped or expected.  And it is not fair.  I am so sorry.

[Metamorphias]

Hello!  Question for those who have lived it. I am dealing with a diagnosedBPDdil. This is also new to us but the nightmare has already started. I am struggling with wether to gift her at Christmas. She has already stated her hatred for us, isolated our son and spit vitriol. Do I reward her behavior with gifts?  I can't bring myself to make peace with that.

[jdtm]

If you feel as though you don't want to give her a Christmas gift, then don't.  However, if you feel as though this "not gifting her" might upset your son, then that is a different situation.  What we did was to give a joint gift to our son and his wife - gift certificates to theatre, restaurants, gymnasiums, etc., or a gift for the home.  This way you are letting your son know you love him and want him in your life - -also, this leaves the door open, because well - he might need you in the future.  In our case, our DIL left our son and abandoned her children - and our door was open.