Intro

[Fz4]

First time on here. Excited to know I'm not alone. I've just learned what I've been experiencing for the last 9 years and now everything is in focus- wow, relief and relearn. One area I can't seem to find in literature yet is how to let my spouse down without the drama. So, I know I have to have boundaries. Working on that. But plan to stay in this relationship and some requests are reasonable. Let's say for the sake of argument that it's about dishes. It is reasonable for my spouse to want me to do some dishes. I actually want to do some dishes for the family. But I want to do dishes on my own terms and without manipulation or demanding. How do I approach this especially when dishes are a touchy subject from the last years? Would appreciate thoughts you may have.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi F4z,

You're definitely not alone 

Welcome and hello, and sorry for what brings you here.

I'm guessing when you say dishes, you mean metaphorically? Or is it really the dishes. Either way, controlling your behavior can be part of a bottomless need for validation, and there are different skills that work in different situations. If you do what she says, it means you love her. If you don't, it means you are acting like you have your own sense of self, and that can be difficult, if not downright threatening, for someone who has an unstable one.

Sometimes, it's about asking ourselves if we want to be right, or want to get along. Sometimes, it's about shaping positive behavior. Other times, it might be using support, empathy, truth statements to roll back the demands, and laying down a boundary.

Often, the small things feel big when they symbolize many years and instances of rolling over and being a doormat.

[ArleighBurke]

With a BPD, everything and anything can be an arguement point. She may see doing the dishes as "proof that you love her". But when you do them every night, and she doesn't feel loved, then suddenly it's vacuuming that will show her. Nop - not that - what could it be? She will search forever.

You need to do whatever you want to do FOR YOU. Not to please her. If you want to do the dishes, because that's part of living in a shared house, then do them. If you want to do them because you can see she does so much else and you want to ease her load, then do them. But do NOT do them to try to please her.

It also sounds like she's saying "dishes must be done within 30mins of dinner" whereas you are more "I WILL do the dishes tonight before bed". So you want to do them on "your terms". It would be good to ask her the reasons why she wants them done sooner - you may learn something. Agree with her reasons if they make sense. But at the end of that conversation, state what you are going to do. "I agree it does feel good to get them out of the way. I can see you point of view. I guess I just see things differently. I will do them before bed.". You are not JADEing. You are listening to her, accepting her point of view (which is right for her, it may not be right for you), stating that you see things differently, and stating your action. If she tries to argue or convince you of "her point", just start the broken record "I can see you point of view. I guess I just see things differently. I will do them before bed." or "I've told you what I'm going to do - I'm not going to discuss it". She'll arc up. It's a test. By standing firm on your decision you will earn some respect from her.

It's VERY useful to post exact conversations to be analysed. Very small changes in wording can produce very different results. 

[Fz4]

Even though my issue is not about dishes, these comments were VERY helpful and I can use these even in my own situation.  Sorry for the analogy but as a newbie, I am cautious about privacy.  Will gain some comfort over time with this bpdfamily format.  Already feel much better about that.  So, one of the main things I heard in these comments is this is a situation where it's not all or nothing.  In working with BPD, I need to gauge my reactions to their importance and work, over time, to make things happen.  I think that has been one of my major errors in the last years- I wanted immediate acknowledgment of wrong and correction- because what he was doing didn't make any sense and surely he could see that if I called attention to it, logically.  So, now I am learning to wait, meter out my concerns, or let them go.  Pick battles, but more than that, pick them and then calculate my response, through his lens.  This is why the literature says that staying is hard, and takes work.  It is a feat.  But, i believe it is worth it in my case. I don't want to be a doormat but do understand that in a marriage, there is compromise.  So, I now have to rethink all things.  I'm catching on. 

As a follow up, after the tension had built about "the dishes," I finally, in a calm setting, sat down to talk.  I was brief.  I started with a lot of reassurance about my staying and loving and being committed.  I complimented, reassured, sympathized and then explained my current feelings about our situation.  I am in a bit of PTSD, I told him.  I am hopeful now about our marriage but I am not addressing my every need, am in a bit of aftershock for the 9 years we have been having, and am trying to rethink everything- me and him- three hard things.  I need patience and time to process.  He did not understand it all, but seemed to accept it and was ok to move forward.  Now, part of his issue(is this BPD?)  is that he will forget this whole conversation, or will remember the one thing that he pulled out of it which will be some negative interpretation about himself.  So, my next trick is to have short mantras- little phrases that can tap into the theme of the lesson(  I'm a teacher). So that when I need to repeat the whole talk, but can't, I can remind him of the mantra.  Last night it was, "we are on a path."   What do yall think?  Am I totally botching this?  doing ok?   wow, what a blessing this site is!

[livednlearned]

I wanted immediate acknowledgment of wrong and correction- because what he was doing didn't make any sense and surely he could see that if I called attention to it, logically.

Understandable to want acknowledgement of wrong and correction, and also very hard to get from someone prone to emotional dysregulation.

Now, part of his issue(is this BPD?)  is that he will forget this whole conversation, or will remember the one thing that he pulled out of it which will be some negative interpretation about himself.

This is very much BPD. Intimate conversations can arouse intense emotions (even if they appear masked). With my BPD loved one, she seems to have a high watermark in emotional conversations, where she hangs on to the most intense emotion and then (because she is very self-referential and has low self-esteem) distorts the conversation in the most negative way. This is making feelings = facts. The intense emotions also make it hard to remember clearly what was said and why.

A really good skill to learn is in Lesson 3 to the right -------> all the stuff about validation, SET (support, empathy, truth). These skills help manage emotional arousal and create a validating environment.

[ArleighBurke]

Small mantras are good. I have used "Not wrong just different" for years. And my wife now often mutters it to herself!

I find SET is good for general conversation/listening. DEAR is good for conversations you start with a goal in mind.

And I get your desire for privacy, but as i said: It's VERY useful to post exact conversations to be analysed. Very small changes in wording can produce very different results.