The Halloween horror...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok... .how to keep this somewhat short... .

So uBPD/NPDw and I have a great talk and make what feels like some great progress over the weekend after things have been quite bad for some time, maybe a few months, it actually seems like there might be a distant light at the end of the tunnel... .until last night. 

I could go on and on and try to fill in detail, but it would take forever so I will paraphrase the best I can as I really need some perspective on this as I don’t see where I did anything wrong and/or malicious. 

First, my wife and I grab my stepdaughter and go to neighbors to meet up with group of 5 or 6 other couples and their kids to trick or treat with.  My wife and anther run in for a traveler cocktail before we head out so rest of us head out as they say they will catch up.  A half dozen doors down good neighbors of ours are around a fire pit at the end of their driveway and an ex-girlfriend of mine is with them.  Our group stops so I do as well, light conversation and we all move on.  My wife and my friends wife finally catch up about 30-40 minutes later and we trick or treat on for maybe another hour and a half or two hours.  As we are trick or treating back towards home with the group, they again stop by the same fire pit, ex-gf is still there, the group including my wife talk, my wife sees a friend around the fire and chats and we all move on after maybe 5 minutes.  We head with one of the couples toward our house, take some pictures, kids come in an sort candy, we all sit around our living room, chat, laugh and the couple and their daughter head home after about 45min.

My wife and I settle the kids I tell her I’m getting up early to work out and she heads down to read to my step daughter in bed.  I watch tv for ½ hour, tell wife I’m heading to bed we exchange good night via text as she is still downstairs reading to stepdaughter... .I'm off to bed.

Here’s where it goes off the rails…I’ve been asleep for about an hour (it’s a little after 11pm), wife loudly comes though door and startles me awake…I let her know I’m sleeping and she crawls into bed next to me…30sec go by…

My Wife = ”Was that your ex-girlfriend at the fire?”…
Me = “Yes”

And then it’s on, she says she just put two and two together and starts yelling that I’m a liar, I was probably texting her, I stopped to have a shot with her, she gets it, etc. etc. etc. etc swearing the whole time…then she starts slapping, punching and kicking me so I have to get up and turn on the lamp... .as calmly as possible I try to set the boundary, please don’t talk to me that way and don’t hit me…she just keeps on finally saying “get the f#@* out and sleep somewhere else, this is my bed and my room!”  I try to reason for a brief moment, this is our room and our bed etc, and walk around the other side of the bed and no matter what side I go to she wildly slides side to side…I reach for my pillow so I can leave, she kind of punches it into my face…and I quietly walk out and sleep in my son’s room (he’s with his mom this week).

This morning I work out, come home jump in the shower and when I’m done and grab a coffee she’s up.  I try to validate her feelings and tell her we should talk about this for sure, but let’s give it some time so there are cooler heads…nope, she’s right back on it, I’m a liar, I’m never going to change, she’s done dealing with my s#!&, don’t I see that it’s a pattern with me…etc…

So am I missing something here?  Ugh... .

[NewStart]

Ok... .how to keep this somewhat short... .

So uBPD/NPDw and I have a great talk and make what feels like some great progress over the weekend after things have been quite bad for some time, maybe a few months, it actually seems like there might be a distant light at the end of the tunnel... .until last night. 

I could go on and on and try to fill in detail, but it would take forever so I will paraphrase the best I can as I really need some perspective on this as I don’t see where I did anything wrong and/or malicious. 

First, my wife and I grab my stepdaughter and go to neighbors to meet up with group of 5 or 6 other couples and their kids to trick or treat with.  My wife and anther run in for a traveler cocktail before we head out so rest of us head out as they say they will catch up.  A half dozen doors down good neighbors of ours are around a fire pit at the end of their driveway and an ex-girlfriend of mine is with them.  Our group stops so I do as well, light conversation and we all move on.  My wife and my friends wife finally catch up about 30-40 minutes later and we trick or treat on for maybe another hour and a half or two hours.  As we are trick or treating back towards home with the group, they again stop by the same fire pit, ex-gf is still there, the group including my wife talk, my wife sees a friend around the fire and chats and we all move on after maybe 5 minutes.  We head with one of the couples toward our house, take some pictures, kids come in an sort candy, we all sit around our living room, chat, laugh and the couple and their daughter head home after about 45min.

My wife and I settle the kids I tell her I’m getting up early to work out and she heads down to read to my step daughter in bed.  I watch tv for ½ hour, tell wife I’m heading to bed we exchange good night via text as she is still downstairs reading to stepdaughter... .I'm off to bed.

Here’s where it goes off the rails…I’ve been asleep for about an hour (it’s a little after 11pm), wife loudly comes though door and startles me awake…I let her know I’m sleeping and she crawls into bed next to me…30sec go by…

My Wife = ”Was that your ex-girlfriend at the fire?”…
Me = “Yes”

And then it’s on, she says she just put two and two together and starts yelling that I’m a liar, I was probably texting her, I stopped to have a shot with her, she gets it, etc. etc. etc. etc swearing the whole time…then she starts slapping, punching and kicking me so I have to get up and turn on the lamp... .as calmly as possible I try to set the boundary, please don’t talk to me that way and don’t hit me…she just keeps on finally saying “get the f#@* out and sleep somewhere else, this is my bed and my room!”  I try to reason for a brief moment, this is our room and our bed etc, and walk around the other side of the bed and no matter what side I go to she wildly slides side to side…I reach for my pillow so I can leave, she kind of punches it into my face…and I quietly walk out and sleep in my son’s room (he’s with his mom this week).

This morning I work out, come home jump in the shower and when I’m done and grab a coffee she’s up.  I try to validate her feelings and tell her we should talk about this for sure, but let’s give it some time so there are cooler heads…nope, she’s right back on it, I’m a liar, I’m never going to change, she’s done dealing with my s#!&, don’t I see that it’s a pattern with me…etc…

So am I missing something here?  Ugh... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey NS, So Sorry to hear. Let's not sugarcoat it: this is physical and emotional abuse.  Quite a familiar scenario, except that usually my BPDxW chased me around our home and kept me up all night.  When my Ex became triggered, it was impossible to reason with her and, like your W, her rages often veered into violent behavior.  I learned that I needed to keep an overnight bag in my car for those nights when I had to stay at the local motel.  No one deserves abuse.  In my view, you did nothing wrong and your W's behavior is unacceptable.  What happened with me is that my BPD Ex's abusive behavior became normalized as part of our r/s, which is crazy, I know, but that's what happened.  Don't kid yourself; if this pattern continues, the outcome is likely to involve serious consequences for all.  Sorry to be blunt, but I've been in your shoes.

LuckyJim