BPDs and gift giving

[bagel]

Hi all - new here.  My therapist recommended I find an online community.  I have a great support network but can't help but feel like no one *really* understands.  I'm an only child of a uBPD mom.  Now grown with a great husband and 2 great kids.  Mostly I'm here for the "Yes, I had the same experience!" kind of support.

Is anyone else's BPD super weird about gift giving?  I imagine it's the fear of rejection, but I am already fielding calls from my mom about Christmas gifts for my kids and it's so stressful!  She's always with the "I can take it back now and get something else you think they'd like." and "You know if they don't like it, I don't care, they can give it back." and "I thought your son would like this so I went to 15 stores and found it but I'm sure he won't care".   She literally will tell you "You don't have to like it" as she is handing you a gift and if you don't act thankful enough, she will take the gift back saying she knows you didn't like it!

She greatly exaggerates and plays the martyr when it comes to gift shopping; ex: if I give her an easy suggestion for a gift, then she will claim that EVERY STORE within 60 miles of her was sold out of it but she found the last one available in a store 75 miles away.   And then she will say "Leave it to you to pick something impossible to find.".  And this is when I know for a fact that 100's of that item are available at every Target.

So, anyone else deal with this?

bagel

[dust09]

Yeah its attention seeking behavior. My BPD mom always insists on giving everyone a gift even though I tell her they won't like it. Giving her gifts are hell. She always doesn't like them but she will tell you all year "oh I love this store or that store" or one time she said "If you ever get me a gift buy me x perfume" Then you go out of the way to buy her a gift but she will always kill the mood and say "Oh this is a nice thought but its not something I will use. Don't worry I will return it and get myself something I like." Basically killing the good mood. Or with the perfume she will be like "Oh I liked this years ago not anymore." But god forbid you don't buy her a gift on her birthday. If you get her a cake she will complain she doesn't like it but she always has to be the queen bee and the center of attention.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Bagel:  

Good to have you join the community.  Your therapist is right, it can be helpful to interact with others who have similar problems.

Many online vendors have a feature where you can make a wish list that gift givers can access.  She could buy online from Target and Wallmart.  You can get about anything from Amazon.  Might your mom be convinced to buy online?

If you mom is someone who fusses over the lowest price possible and a sale, then you may not be able to change the way she shops.  People with BPD traits are hard to change.  

Depending on the age of your children, maybe it could be an option for her to give a gift certificate or a gift box wrapped up with some cash in it (perhaps with a picture of what they want).   In some situations, children periodically get cash gifts for some occasions and/or an allowance. Sometime, they would love a cash gift, because they are saving for something special.

Children sometimes get overwhelmed by the amount of gifts they get during the holidays.  Getting a gift certificate or cash gift can give them something to look forward to after Christmas. My parents reached a point, as they aged, when they just gave cash gifts.  It made it easy for them, and no one had to exchange anything.

[bagel]

Thanks for the welcome and replies.  I guess the problem is mostly that is isn't *really* about logistics for her, if that makes sense.  It's tied up in emotion and fear of rejection for her.  She will find a way to be insulted no matter what I do or how easy I make it for her.  Sigh!

[Naughty Nibbler]

BAGEL:
Some of the tools at the links below might be helpful. Some validation (minimally, don't invalidate), can help with her fear of rejection. If it isn't possible to have a talk with her about how to make gift giving easier for her this year, then the best you can do is use some communication skills to minimize the impact on you and hopefully shut down the chronic complaining on her part.  Validation is a tool everyone can use.  Check out some of the communication techniques below.  Perhaps one is most suited to dealing with your mom.

Here are some links to check out:
VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

BIFF RESPONSE

JADE - STOP CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

SET

WISE MIND

Check out some of the above information and perhaps you could practice some dialog in advance of mom's complaining.  What do you think?

[bagel]

Wow, I've only read through the content of the first two links on validation and I've already had several "a-ha!" moments.  I need to digest it and think about how to apply in this situation, but I feel like this is the right track.  Thank you, Naughty Nibbler.

[Naughty Nibbler]

BAGEL:

It can take some practice with the communication tools, so hang with it and give us some progress reports.  I hope you have a more peaceful holiday season   

[Notwendy]

I think it helps to not get emotionally involved in her emotions. She is going to feel what she feels- not much you can do about that. Thank her graciously for the gifts, have your kids write thank you notes and then, try to enjoy your holiday with your family.

Gifts are strange with my BPD mother. She can be over the top generous and not at all. Once I was upset because she didn't give me anything for a birthday in college- I didn't expect anything major- even a card would have been OK, but nothing? So I said I was sad, and her reply was "never expect a gift" and I took that one to memory.

She is over the top with my kids, and they always write a thank you note. I think my mother has some idea that she can reject me and have a great relationship with my kids. However, they are old enough to have observed how she has treated me, and that alone has not made a good impression on them.

Still she does what she does.

One thing she doesn't do is consider the relationship when sending a gift. She sent the same over the top gift to all her nephews, nieces, and my kids as if they are all the same, not individuals. She also has her signature generic inexpensive gift that she gives to everyone- her hairdresser, cleaning lady and so on. So on one of my birthdays, I got excited to see a package at the door, and when I opened it, was puzzled that it was from her. Guess what she got me? The same generic inexpensive gift.   which has nothing to do with me. Yet there are many inexpensive things I would have liked- even a card picked out for me would be special to me.

Your mom is who she is. Best to not take what she does personally.

[bagel]

Your mom is who she is. Best to not take what she does personally.

This is so true.  I only had the "her behavior is not about me" realization 2 weeks ago (really!  at age 38!), so I'm working on it.  But, there's a lot of freedom that comes with not taking any of it personally!

[Smile41869]

Thanks for the welcome and replies.  I guess the problem is mostly that is isn't *really* about logistics for her, if that makes sense.  It's tied up in emotion and fear of rejection for her.  She will find a way to be insulted no matter what I do or how easy I make it for her.  Sigh!

Hi Bagel,

Welcome! I just wanted to chime in and say I TOTALLY understand the frustration over gift giving, I think I might have posted about it once myself. I think I have spent a good part of the last 30 years of birthdays, christmas, easters, etc trying to get my mother that PERFECT gift that will actually make her happy. To the point it really got out of control buying her laptops, phones, etc, because honestly spending the money was easier than hearing her complaints (and I was a low income student most of those years!)

Upon graduating my masters my upbdm gifted me an expensive pair of diamond earrings, really extravagant and definitely not something id ever ask for. It is now about 5 years later and I have not once worn them as she frequently asks if I have damaged or lost them - control!

I think gifts for my uBPDm are symbolic of many things, they are first and foremost a source of control, but also  validation, security, attention, I could go on. What do you think they represent for your mom?

I find that my upbdm really turns up the heat about gifts and special occasions when she is unhappy, for example, i was overseas on holiday once (February) and she was deeply upset by my not being available, so she started emailing me saying how she really needed to talk to be about her birthday (in September!). It seems to give her something to anchor onto, a reason to call, and make a fuss. She typically starts asking about what gifts i want and requesting gifts a few months before any special occasion. And yes, she is deeply offended if you dont love the gift you are given.

My solution over the last few years is moving things onto my terms, my ideal would be to cut out gifts all together. I have worked to set some hard boundaries i.e, only doing gifts on birthdays, telling her that I would prefer not to do gifts and instead spend the money on a nice dinner or outing, and basically making christmas purely for the kids to receive something.

A big part of setting boundaries for me was stopping to reflect on how I would like to celebrate holidays and how I would like to do gifts, if it werent all about my mom's feelings.

I forgot to mention one occasion - mothers day... .Dont even go there! Do you get the same cycle on every special occasion or just christmas?

[understandnow]

I have a uBPD dil and I have had similar situations with gift giving.  No matter what I give I verbally hear something hurtful.  This year my husband and I are starting a college fund for my grandchildren for Christmas and birthdays.  We will give them a small toy as they are small for these occasions and the vast of the money will go towards their fund.  It is our way of setting boundaries. 

[JRT]

Mine gave gifts in a way that was almost as if she was doing it because it was compulsory and that someone was watching to insure that she do so satisfactorily... .there was zero emotion attached to it... .the obsessing about finding the right gift... .the anticipation and look on the recipients face to make sure that she purchased the 'right thing'. Once the gift was opened, her interest ended like a car hitting a brick wall. Like many things, it was never discussed or mentioned again... .she had other things on her mind more pressing. 

[MML613]

HI there.this is an interesting connection for me. between gift giving and BPD. my Mom is obsessive when it comes to gift giving.
always gives more money or more gifts then seems appropriate. thinking about it its clear to me that she buys peoples loyalty with gifts. she also wants to be given gifts a lot and anytime I have anything new she makes it very clear that she wants one too. I wonder what that"s about?
I really appreciate having a place to share. a safe place,
 and I hope you enjoy that too.