Introduction

[Starfire]

Hi,

For about a year I've been in a relationship that has been a roller coaster. My BF agreed to therapy (individual and couple) after one of many meltdowns.  In the course of therapy, in one of my own individual sessions, my therapist directed me to read the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me because he thinks my BF has BPD.  Reading the book, I recognized not only my BF but also my mother.  I went searching for more information, and found this site.

I'm not sure I should even be calling this man my BF anymore.  We've had very limited contact in the last 2.5 weeks by my choice.  I've needed to take a step back and take care of me for a bit.  Reading other people's stories here, I find myself wishing that he would discard me.  He doesn't want a breakup, never has even when he's in the middle of a rage verbally attacking me.  I've tried ending it, but he pulls me back in every time.  And just won't go away.

On the one hand, I recognize the good in him.  When he is totally himself, he's full of life and adventure and spontaneity.  He is very much a free spirit, and I want that in my life because it complements my tendency to be too rigid and structured.  On the other hand, I lived half my life with a parent similarly disordered, and it took a lot of time and energy to work through those hurts and build a peaceful life for myself and my son without all the chaos.  Obviously my childhood experiences are the reason I'm drawn to this type of man, but I don't have to choose to pursue that. 

I guess all I wanted was to come out of lurkdom here and introduce myself.  I don't know if am strong enough to carry a relationship with someone like this.  I don't know if I can leave it, either, which is kinda crazy considering that I've only known this man for a year.  I have no ties to him other than these few months we've been together.

Anyway, hello everyone.  I've gained so much from you already reading your discussions.  The resources here are fantastic.

[ArleighBurke]

I'm glad you found us. Many here struggle with the go/stay decision. Both are daunting.

But learn all you can while you decide. Having some skills may help you decide to stay, or if you leave will help your next relationship.