I hate myself, is it any wonder...

[insideoutside]

That I'm looking at other people to make me feel better. I have reflected a lot lately and I used to rage when I was younger and ashamedely would lash out; about anything and the simplest things would set me off.  I'd push people away and ruin special dates (Christmas especially) as I hated that my mum had moved to the USA and abandoned me and my grandparents had died within years of her leaving therefore I felt so alone.  I remember being so terrified that when my boyfriend at the time would be late home from work that I'd get a knock on the door saying he had died.  Any blood tests I had I convinced would give me bad news that I was dying.  Sounds very dramatic looking back and part of me thinks do I have BPD traits?  That would explain my codependency.  Thing is I do feel enormous empathy towards those I care about and would never hurt them and have never self harmed.

Lately all I do is rage at my daughter.  To be fair she is preteen who thinks she knows it all but I get so angry with myself losing my cool with her.

I don't know, I'm so confused, tired and miss my friend hugely.  :)id I say how tired I am of life?

[JerryRG]

Hello izzybusy

Tough time, wondering what kind of support you have outside these forums?

I built a small community of healthy individuals that I can count on, I hope the same is true for you.

Tough questions for yourself, you are self reflecting and if I'm not mistaken that is a healthy sign?

I hope you feel better and don't beat yourself up, non of us are perfect, we all have issues, asking tough questions about ourselves is the way to change.

[steelwork]

Izzy,

Good for you for looking inward and looking at longstanding patterns. Whether or not you are concerned about BPD traits, I agree with Jerry: these kinds of issues require support and insight beyond what this board can offer. Do you have a therapist?

x steelwork

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi izzy-

When we say we love ourselves or hate ourselves, it's a result of what we're focusing on, our beliefs, values, and most importantly identities, which are a special kind of belief, a belief about who we are.  So as we grow and evolve, it's helpful to start looking at those pieces of our model of the world, all of which is changeable, so to start, what are your beliefs about yourself, and where did those come from?  The key is to identify disempowering beliefs, reframe them, and replace them with empowering ones.  So to start: who do you believe you are?  Not the story of what happened, but the belief underneath.

[insideoutside]

Hi all

I've had counselling several times in the past; she was well aware of my abandonment issues but never raised BPD as a possibility.  I don't think I told her about my rages and fears from the past though.  Maybe that is definitely something to think about; seeing another counsellor and relaying all of my past behaviour and see what they come up with.

I'm not asking for help per se; I'm just looking inwards and trying to understand my own thoughts and feelings.  My friend discarding me opened up some really old feelings for me and that made me look at my own behaviour from years ago and why I was triggered to behave like that.  I think my behaviour was anger; anger at being 'dumped' by my mother and left by my grandparents when they died.  Going from a relatively normal life to having nobody around within a few years left me feeling so alone.  

I know I've got to work on myself; although I like to kid myself that my friend discarding me hasn't affected me too much, it has.  It really has hurt me and knocked my confidence and I've hit a low point whereby I need to get back up and put myself and my family first.

[Grey Kitty]

I like to kid myself that my friend discarding me hasn't affected me too much, it has.  It really has hurt me and knocked my confidence and I've hit a low point whereby I need to get back up and put myself and my family first.

I suspect the best you can do is take turns at putting yourself and your family first.

Putting your daughter first means setting some of your own feelings aside, so you can deal with the conflicts with her without raging at her.

Putting yourself first means accepting that you do feel this hurt, angry, and out of control. Letting yourself feel that way. Without taking any actions, just letting yourself feel that way.

Sometime when these feelings come up, (and your daughter isn't interacting with you at the time) try just spending five minutes sitting or lying on the couch, letting yourself feel, without doing anything or saying anything to anybody. This is harder than it sounds. Maybe start with just one minute instead of five.

[steelwork]

 My friend discarding me opened up some really old feelings for me and that made me look at my own behaviour from years ago and why I was triggered to behave like that.  I think my behaviour was anger; anger at being 'dumped' by my mother and left by my grandparents when they died.  Going from a relatively normal life to having nobody around within a few years left me feeling so alone.  

I totally get this. It's said that experiencing a serious loss opens you up to re-experiencing all the old losses. This is what happened to me. It's super painful but is also where growth is possible. Re-breaking the bone so it can heal properly this time, maybe.