Detaching or in denial?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Today is day 49 of NC. I sort of count the days, but I have psych appointments on Thursdays so I know it is 7 weeks exactly. Is it bad to know to the hour how long you've been NC? Maybe it's just that I'm a mathematician and numbers are my thing... .Anyway, that was an aside.

I'm not sure if I am detaching or simply in denial. I've had to shut out many of the painful memories since they were so traumatising. I mean that I know they happened but I just can't comprehend that the woman I adored and spent years of my life caring for could do these things. It seems I've jumped to stage 4 of detachment without ever attempting 1-3.

In terms of stage 4, I'm doing great. Amongst a host of other things, I have been taking French lessons 3 times per week and have booked and paid for 2 months in Paris starting in December. So, without further ado here is my first poem in French. I hope you aren't too critical as I've only been learning for 6 weeks. It is and it is not about my ex. No, in fact, mainly it is about me.

Pour la Fille sur la Plage:

Quand je te vis sur la plage,
Quand nos yeux se recontrèrent pour la première fois,
Et quand le vent souffla tes cheveux,
Le soleil toucha ta joue mais je mourus.

Je mourus quand tu souris,
Je mourus quand tu me dis "Oui, parce que non",
Et quand nous mangerons ensemble ce soir je mourrai encore,
Car je sais que je ne peux pas être avec toi.

[snowmonkey]

Today is day 49 of NC. I sort of count the days, but I have psych appointments on Thursdays so I know it is 7 weeks exactly. Is it bad to know to the hour how long you've been NC? Maybe it's just that I'm a mathematician and numbers are my thing... .Anyway, that was an aside.

I'm not sure if I am detaching or simply in denial. I've had to shut out many of the painful memories since they were so traumatising. I mean that I know they happened but I just can't comprehend that the woman I adored and spent years of my life caring for could do these things. It seems I've jumped to stage 4 of detachment without ever attempting 1-3.

In terms of stage 4, I'm doing great. Amongst a host of other things, I have been taking French lessons 3 times per week and have booked and paid for 2 months in Paris starting in December. So, without further ado here is my first poem in French. I hope you aren't too critical as I've only been learning for 6 weeks. It is and it is not about my ex. No, in fact, mainly it is about me.

Pour la Fille sur la Plage:

Quand je te vis sur la plage,
Quand nos yeux se recontrèrent pour la première fois,
Et quand le vent souffla tes cheveux,
Le soleil toucha ta joue mais je mourus.

Je mourus quand tu souris,
Je mourus quand tu me dis "Oui, parce que non",
Et quand nous mangerons ensemble ce soir je mourrai encore,
Car je sais que je ne peux pas être avec toi.

[Larmoyant]

Salut Snowmonkey,

Votre poème a été très moving.I suis toujours compter les jours depuis mon départ de sorte que vous n'êtes pas seul. Il prend juste le temps. Profitez de votre séjour en France.

[heartandwhole]

Je suis d'accord avec Larmoyant, ton poème est très émouvant, snowmonkey. Bien fait !

Good for you that you are learning new things. That can really help us get out of the depression and apathy that often sets in when we are grieving a loss. I know what you mean about skipping the other steps, though. I'm glad you are seeing a professional to help you feel and explore your feelings and thoughts.

I hope your trip to France is wonderful. I can imagine how much good it will do you to have a complete change of scene. In my experience, that can do wonders for the mind and heart.  

heartandwhole

[snowmonkey]

Merci Larmoyant et heartandwhole, vous êtes trop gentille.

I am sorry that you too count the days Larmoyant. It seems that I am just watching my life tick by, just waiting for them to put me in the ground. I hate being alone, my house is so empty and every day that goes by is another day that I am not spending with the love of my life... .If there is even such a thing. Oh, btw, please use tu with me!

And thank you for the sage advice heartandwhole, I will try to explore my feelings, as painful as they are.

[fromheeltoheal]

Today is day 49 of NC. I sort of count the days, but I have psych appointments on Thursdays so I know it is 7 weeks exactly. Is it bad to know to the hour how long you've been NC?

It's not "bad" necessarily snow, it is what it is as you grieve and process, and in order to count days we need to focus on the past.  Once we shift our focus to the future, how many days it's been becomes irrelevant, in fact we'll likely forget until some important dates from the relationship come around.  Grieving takes what it takes and it's important to feel our way through all of the emotions, with emphasis on through, the only way out is through, and while we're at it, intentionally focusing on our future, the one we're creating, can give us a target, something to shoot for and a guide, to keep us on track as we detach.

It is and it is not about my ex. No, in fact, mainly it is about me.

There you go, there's the other shift, when we also shift the focus from our ex to ourselves and start processing what we're feeling, what we're making things mean, why, and what we're going to do about it moving forward.

[Buffie]

49 days in a row is the start to a lifetime where you are no longer mistreated.  Keep up the good work!  Sorry, but if I tried to write something in French I would certainly fail... .unlike you in your NC journey.  There will be a tipping point, like arriving on a plateau, where the sting of the memories is gone, where the wounds are healed. Stay close to the boards, stay strong and never compromise!

Buff

[snowmonkey]

So, I'm trying to work through the stages of detachment, starting with acknowledgement but I'm really struggling. I'm overwhelmingly sad. I'm sitting at my computer at work and I just want to break down and cry. I want to run to my car and just sit there weeping. I want to lay down on a bed and never wake up. I feel broken and exhausted, I feel like I will never find happiness again.

I don't believe that my exBPDgf holds the keys to my happiness, on the contrary, she caused me so much pain for years. I used to believe that if she got better we would be incredibly happy together, but I no longer feel that way. Hearing from her would just hurt me more. I am devastated because I acknowledge that my hopes and dreams will not come to fruition and more than that, I am so broken that I do not believe I could ever allow myself to hope and dream of a happy future again for fear of having it all crash down around me once more.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm overwhelmingly sad. I'm sitting at my computer at work and I just want to break down and cry. I want to run to my car and just sit there weeping. I want to lay down on a bed and never wake up. I feel broken and exhausted, I feel like I will never find happiness again.

I don't believe that my exBPDgf holds the keys to my happiness, on the contrary, she caused me so much pain for years.

You are acknowledging your feelings snow, which is great, and is the first stage of detachment.  And the conflict above, how you're overwhelmingly sad towards someone who caused you so much pain for years, is common, we all go through that, and it doesn't make rational sense right?  So what is it you're grieving, if rationally it doesn't seem to be a relationship with her?

I used to believe that if she got better we would be incredibly happy together, but I no longer feel that way.

And there it is, the possibility, the fantasy, that if she would just be someone other than she is, you would be incredibly happy.  I've been exactly there, where we're doing everything we possibly can to make it work, it still isn't, and not only that, we're getting abused and disrespected when we try.  Been there, it is not fun, although hope that it might work is still alive.  So are you at a point now where the hope is wanting to leave, and that's what you're grieving?

It can be helpful to separate what you're feeling about the relationship from her, that way what you're feeling might be the change in your expectations and beliefs about what the relationship was, could have been, from what it actually was, and those things are internal, you're in control of them, even though it may not feel like it right now.

I am devastated because I acknowledge that my hopes and dreams will not come to fruition and more than that, I am so broken that I do not believe I could ever allow myself to hope and dream of a happy future again for fear of having it all crash down around me once more.

Is it possible to reframe that to see and accept that although your hopes and dreams won't, can't, come to fruition with her, they are entirely possible for you in the future, in fact even more possible because of the you that comes out the other side of this grieving, processing and detaching you're doing, and wiser, more aware version of you?  Can you sense some hope when you choose to believe that?

We can also look at the words we use to describe our experience, which affect how we feel.  What if we are never broken, but we do get injured, and injuries heal?  And not only that, we end up stronger as a result?  Love and relationships are risky, we're putting ourselves on the line emotionally, with the possibility of an awesome relationship or a terrible one, there are no sure things in relationships, but what if this learning experience was necessary so that the life of our dreams was possible?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

[Buffie]

I feel like I will never find happiness again

It's an understandable feeling.  Part of the keys to successfully finding the person that made you feel like your ex, without all the bad stuff that damaged you, is to work through the things in your life that made you vulnerable to her sucking you in initially... .and healing from those... .like patching all of the holes in the bottom of your boat before you go sailing again.  But it seems like you live life with a lot of energy and passion, and there's another person out there that's looking for you, someone that will love you for who you are and not out of a need to control another person's life.  She won't be perfect, and neither will you, but it's the wonderful application of grace towards others that really strengthens a bond between another.  If the relationship goes slow, and matures, with her honestly revealing herself without any excuses, if you see the real her, then that's a good start. 

Buff

[snowmonkey]

It's 3am and I've just finished painting the 2nd coat on every interior door and door frame in my house, re-sealed my slate floors and dug a trench for footings for a wall I'm going to build. My neighbours must wonder the hell is going on with me working my arse off in the garden at this time.

I hate Saturday nights... .Just brings back so many memories of when I was being idolised instead of whoever is having that attention lavished upon them now.

I also hate the fact that summer is here now, I just felt more comfortable when the weather was miserable outside.