Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child ~ Bradshaw

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

just been reading a book (John Bradshaw Homecoming FWIW) and he says as an adult he experienced this unconditional acceptance, but as a child he didn't get it.

I think I understand his meaning. It would feel good to be accepted as we are.

Now I would very much like to have said such a thing to my stbx (maybe I did)... .and I am sure if I had, the reply would have been "well accept me too as I am".

This where I find it gets tricky, I'm OK to be accepted by you certainly are not!

It seems we are making value judgements about what is acceptable and what is not, and i thought we weren't supposed to do that sort of thing.

Can anyone please enlighten me as to how (even here in secret) I can say NO WAY I can't accept all the negativity and chaos, yet you ought to accept me.

[earlgrey]

just been reading a book (John Bradshaw Homecoming FWIW) and he says as an adult he experienced this unconditional acceptance, but as a child he didn't get it.

I think I understand his meaning. It would feel good to be accepted as we are.

Now I would very much like to have said such a thing to my stbx (maybe I did)... .and I am sure if I had, the reply would have been "well accept me too as I am".

This where I find it gets tricky, I'm OK to be accepted by you certainly are not!

It seems we are making value judgements about what is acceptable and what is not, and i thought we weren't supposed to do that sort of thing.

Can anyone please enlighten me as to how (even here in secret) I can say NO WAY I can't accept all the negativity and chaos, yet you ought to accept me.

[JerryRG]

Hello earlgrey

I understand and my exgf said the same to me, I didn't accept her as she was.

She lied
She manipulated
She was cruel
She was sarcastic
She was unappreciative
She was disrespectful
She was mean
She was 99% selfish
She isolated me
She put my family down
She was unfair
She tiangulated me
She threatened me
She accused me
She called the police on me
She beat me
I could go on... .

Who would accept this?
I'm not God
I am not a saint

I'm human and I deserve better

[teapay]

You can't make anyone accept you as you are.  That kind of acceptance generally ocurs naturally between healthy individuals and it is generally not unconditional, but is based on boundaries that healthy people implicitly understand.

[valet]

There is a big difference between acceptance of someone and exposure to abusive behaviors.

It is wise to accept others, but for our own well-being it is unwise to allow people to hurt us, especially when we know who they are and how they behave.

I think that it is good practice to accept everyone for their personhood and humanity. Everyone deserves dignity and kindness at that level. Who we spend our time with, however, is our choice. What we tolerate is our choice. We can still accept the person and choose not to tolerate all the nonsense.

I see how this might be perceived as a double standard. But as far as I'm concerned they are two different things.

[Herodias]

It's funny, I was thinking about this exact thing today. I was listening to a talk about controlling people. I think in some ways I am controlling and I know I got this from my Mother. She is so extreme and I hate to see how she treats my step father. The thing is, my ex made me out to be really controlling. Told me to stop controlling him, that I was causing him to act out. I was fine with so many things he did because of that manipulation. He went above and beyond what partners should do to each other. Example; a meat truck came through the neighborhood. He bought $1000 worth of crappy meat and we then had to buy a freezer for it all.  Then it all became dog food I made in a pressure cooker for our dog. It was that bad. Because he didn't want me to "tell him what he could and couldn't do", he wasted our money. I have been told by friends that my telling him not to do things that effected us both, was not a bad thing. He acted like a kid. Sometimes I think I would tell him small things to do, just because I had no control at all. I was supposed to accept him as he was and all that he did. As Jerry said, lies and all... .I think we are working hard at figuring ourselves out, but these people do not do the same. I think we need to give ourselves a break. I think this is the CPTSD in us that makes us believe that somehow we are the one who did something wrong. I know that we are not perfect and we have our own faults. But these people are extremes. I do not think we are supposed to accept people as they are into our lives if we do not share the same values and morals. We need to watch out for this in the future. I always picked people that I had to help, somehow thinking if they needed me, they would stay. So off course. I know that he was not accepted by his Mother as well... .as a kid, she said he was wonderful... .it all changed in high school. I think if they want to be accepted, they should mirror their family. It is amazing how much control they can have when they want to.

[LilMe]

My uBPD could not accept me for who I am and his inability to control me caused dysregulation and abuse.  I believe that I have accepted him for who he is - that is why I left.  I finally accepted the fact that he will not change; that the good times are good, but the bad times will always come back.  It is not fair of me to expect him to change or be something that he is not.  The dysregulation and abuse was damaging to myself and our children so I had to let go of the dream that it would somehow get better.  I think that is accepting him for who he is 

[earlgrey]

My take on it now is that "accept me as I am" is probably asked by a reasonable healthy individual that understands boundaries and fair exchange. I don't think a pwBPD would actually think to ask the question, but mine (pwB/NPD) nearly always copies my requests. So then it does appear that they are asking for their 'stuff' to be accepted.

They are not actually asking to be accepted, they don't even care about that, they just steam roller their way through whatever.

Another thought that is that is it the real open vulnerable person seeking to be accepted, not the highly protected armoured attack/defense minded superior being. They are above caring what others may or may not think.

[Moselle]

Another thought that is that is it the real open vulnerable person seeking to be accepted, not the highly protected armoured attack/defense minded superior being. They are above caring what others may or may not think.

I think they do care, very deeply what others think. It's a defense mechanism that projects their negative self image onto others. Because to accept that they are so cruel and destructive is too much for them to bear.

[earlgrey]

Hi Moselle ... .you are leading me into areas where i must admit I start to get lost!

I think we are getting into real/false self stuff. The false self, the superior individual with robust defenses shows little concern for what others care, but you are probably right, underneath all that armour is someone who does care.

But in my case that person inside all the armour is never at home.

[Moselle]

But in my case that person inside all the armour is never at home.

.in would appear every now and then after a fight. But then 3 hours later she was gone for months

[Reforming]

Hi Earl Grey,

I think unconditional acceptance, accepting others for who they are without or criticism judgement a healthy principal. We can't change others or force them to become the kind of person that we went.

We can choose the terms of engagement. I can be aware of someone's character flaws but still love them unconditionally. I can also choose not to be in relationship with that person because I recognise that their behaviour is harmful to me.

If we find ourselves in a relationship where there are fundamental and irrevocable differences in values, world view etc we have choices to make. We can try and force the other person to change - refusing to accept them unconditionally or we can detach and accept them for who they are.

Neither choice is easy but the 2nd option can keep us stuck in a long cycle of pain and confusion.

Thanks for sharing

Reforming