The End, Discard and Grief

[Kelli Cornett]

I was reading some threads here and processing my own situation, and was wondering about the intense pain of the final discard and finally ending a BPD r/s.

Sure ending any r/s/getting divorced is sad and painful and sure we mourn for our loss, but ending a BPD r/s seems to illicit an extra intense sense of grief as it there has been some kind of death. Sure you can say it's the death of the r/s and the death of your dreams of a future with that person, but I think there's something else.

When we finally end our BPD r/s we usually come to find out that this person that we thought was so incredible, we loved so completely and loved us so completely never really existed. We thought we met this incredible person during the idealization phase who was so perfect for us, but then we eventually come to find out that they were just mirroring ourselves back at us.

When we come to these painful conclusions we kind of have to lay that person who we thought we knew to rest, and in a way we let that illusion (and that person) die in a sense. I think maybe that's why we feel so much grief. It's more than the death of a r/s and our perceived future, it's the death of the person we thought we knew so well and loved so completely and thought that they felt the same.

[Kelli Cornett]

100%

[PolandSpring4]

I agree with this. I've never had a break up destroy me like this one. She became someone else at the end. The vitriol I received was overwhelming. She wasn't who I thought she was.

[Kelli Cornett]

I think its also about how "easily" they discard us and what feeling that invokes...

I see people using the words "trash can", thrown away, dumped, and well discard... .those are all painful words and actions...

In a healthier relationship we use words like ended, let go, parted because although painful its generally done with some kindness, respect and in some ways an overall understanding of why the relationship failed for one or both...

[Kelli Cornett]

For me, even when the radical BPD behaviors aren't rearing their head, I look at her and just see someone who's very different than the person I originally got together with.

The caring, loving empathetic person who at one time was so devoted to our relationship and motherhood, never came back after her last (and biggest) dysregulation within the past year.

I guess in the end, I mourn the loss of that person.

[Skyglass]

Yes, definitely. 100%

[FallBack!Monster]

I was reading some threads here and processing my own situation, and was wondering about the intense pain of the final discard and finally ending a BPD r/s.
Sure ending any r/s/getting divorced is sad and painful and sure we mourn for our loss, but ending a BPD r/s seems to illicit an extra intense sense of grief as it there has been some kind of death. Sure you can say it's the death of the r/s and the death of your dreams of a future with that person, but I think there's something else.
When we finally end our BPD r/s we usually come to find out that this person that we thought was so incredible, we loved so completely and loved us so completely never really existed. We thought we met this incredible person[/b] during the idealization phase who was so perfect for us, but then we eventually come to find out that they were just mirroring ourselves back at us.
When we come to these painful conclusions we kind of have to lay that person who we thought we knew to rest, and in a way we let that illusion (and that person) die in a sense. I think maybe that's why we feel so much grief. It's more than the death of a r/s and our perceived future, it's the death of the person we thought we knew so well and loved so completely and thought that they felt the same.

I feel your pain, dear. I can't say I'm still at that stage but I do remember that feeling. I go in and out of the same exact thoughts. They say we fall for the pwBPD because they're mirroring us; we're falling into feelings with ourselves. Somehow that's no consolation. Okay, thanks for showing me my inner beauty but did you have to hurt me to prove your point?  Why couldn't you just "tell me" and not go about duping me? 
At the beginning, I was soo soo angry. I knew she was done playing. I could see it. My gut was telling me, another emotional funeral. They pick you because they see you as some special something. Which is the same reason why they want to destroy you. Then devalue and "end" your acquaintance w/o principle. Then to support their pacifying theory of why they abandoned you, they begin to concot stories. Their new story confirms to them that they made the right choice by choosing to blindside you.
While she was building this wall up, mine was weakening; in her eyes. Why? because she was playing me and I didn't guess.  I went from being this intelligent, popular, romantic, loving, caring, good catch, strong individual, to the total opposite, in no time but in her head. I did have to kill off the idea of us ever being us again. It's like she went somewhere mentally with no intentions of coming back. Just like when someone dies, they too never come back. It hurts like h.e.DOUBLE HOCKEY STICK. One thing for sure, when your eyes open you can clearly see, well I could see she never had she never felt for me what I felt for her.

[tammym1972]

I felt like a discarded piece of trash and that my whole world died. It was and is, literally he worst thing I've been through by far. Once you are able to start to detach you will slowly get better.

[Kelli Cornett]

You guys are awesome. Only someone who is/has gone through this can really understand it.

Detaching was absolutely a necessity, as well as trying to not let myself get triggered into reacting (seems like a constant and endless battle). I think the grief thing may be there even more for those of us who had children with our BPD partners, as we also see them pull away from being mothers as well. I know some of it stems from dissociation and avoidance, but I wonder if they idealize/devalue the experience of motherhood as well, once they realize that it doesn't bring them the happiness they constantly seek from outside sources.