setting limits

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

How do you set limits with BPD who attacks everything.

[surfsupap1]

How do you set limits with BPD who attacks everything.

[formflier]

You have found the right place to learn about "limits"... .I would rather call them "boundaries".

I'm glad you have found us.  It would be helpful if you could give a couple examples of what you would like to do.

FF

[Mutt]

Hi surfsupap1,



I'd like to join formflier and welcome you. I'm glad that you decided to join us, I'd be worried about setting limits when someone attacks us, but boundaries protect us, you can expect back lash when you set a new boundary. I'd like to echo formflier, what's going on?

[ArleighBurke]

A boundary is a protection for you. You are saying to her: "You can do whatever you want, but I get to choose whether I am a part of it or not".

So if she starts yelling, you can choose to leave. You are not asking her to do anything. You are not changing her. Your boundary is a statement of your values, and your action. "I would love to talk to you. If you yell at me, I choose to not be part of the conversation."

If she gets drunk and does silly stuff - you don't have to be a part of it. "*I* don't like the way you behave when you are drunk. If you are drunk, I am going to (leave the party/restaurant) (go home without you) (whatever)."

Again - a boundary is not there to make her change, it is there to protect you.

As requested: tell us what behaviours are worrying you.