Starting point

[Caroled]

This isn't really a starting point since I've suspected my husband may have BPD & possibly NPD traits for some time (not full blown, or maybe high functioning?)

However I've recently said this out loud to a mutual friend who was struggling with some aspects of his behaviour and it's solidified things a little. What I'm worried about now is that if my suspicions get back to him it will result in a significant blow to his trust in me, and I can't help him if he doesn't trust me.

Our relationship is difficult, but not abusive, and neither I nor our child are in any danger. He doesn't self harm, drink alcohol or use drugs so neither is he, although he does have suicidal thoughts when he gets really low, but I don't think he'd act on them. We're financially stable and I have a good family / work friends network, although he feels very isolated and has been unable to build anything similar, partly because of his tendencies to push people away.

I sometimes feel as though I am making a big deal about nothing, that his anger and abandonment issues are not something I should be labelling without a formal diagnosis (impossible at the moment because he is very resistant to seeing professionals, even about his more obvious difficulties with depression). But I need some kind of framework to approach this, and the descriptions of the low end of the BPD spectrum seem to fit, at least superficially.

Can anyone suggest a way forward that doesn't involve writing off a 16 year relationship or threatening to leave if he doesn't seek therapy, since these seem to be the only options set forward on other forums?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Welcome.

Validate, use "I statements," and set and enforce boundaries.  "I understand that you are very angry.  I won't talk to you while you are are insulting me, through.  I am going to go out for a walk now.  We can talk when you are ready to be calm and respectful."

Realize that rational, evidence-based arguments that would work with a non are not going to work with a BPD, especially when they are in a rage.  They SHOULD, for example, except your evidence that you were really at a friends house and not out having an affair.  But they WON'T, especially when you present this evidence in the midst of their rages.  Again, set a boundary.  "I see that you are very angry.  I am feeling attacked and threatened.  I need to go now.  We can talk when you are ready to be calm and respectful."

[Meili]

I want to join BoP in welcoming you and expand on what was said.

Realize that rational, evidence-based arguments that would work with a non are not going to work with a BPD, especially when they are in a rage.  They SHOULD, for example, except your evidence that you were really at a friends house and not out having an affair.  But they WON'T, especially when you present this evidence in the midst of their rages.

Even worse, when you present "evidence" you are telling them that they are wrong, and that just escalates the situation. When you Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain (JADE) things only get worse because it invalidates them and can add to their already intense emotions.

When you say that your relationship is difficult, what do you mean? Can you expand on that for us? It might help us guide and support you a little better.

[Caroled]

Thank you both, those are some good suggestions (I've been using the validating already, making sure I listen to what he's actually saying rather than responding emotionally to the way he's saying it, and acknowledging when he has a concern which IS valid - this has involved being sometimes brutally honest with myself about my own mistakes). The JADE tip is particularly resonant, and I'll keep it in mind next time conflict arises.

It's a bit tricky to explain - I have some codependency issues myself which incorporate a desire to minimise unpleasant behaviour, and I have to be very careful with denial - but the essence of it is that he has significant pain around feelings of abandonment and invalidation of emotions from childhood, and whenever he is triggered by anything that sparks this off he will go one of two ways. Either he shuts down emotionally, cold shoulders me and refuses point blank to engage (this will usually be accompanied by a statement that he is choosing to disconnect because I haven't responded as he wanted) or he has a huge emotional response which generally involves shouting, swearing, sometimes being harshly critical of my actions. It's worth noting that when things get REALLY bad, these are usually responses to highly emotional situations, and I'm having to two-hand his reactions and mine as well. The less serious incidences have been getting shorter and shorter in duration over the years, or I'm getting better at nipping them in the bud by refusing to rise to the bait.

Being highly emotionally reactive is a normal part of his personality - he struggles with being outside because he feels overwhelmed by crowds, and as this occasionally results in full blown panic attacks I suspect some degree of agoraphobia as well - he suffers from severe headaches and will shout and swear about that too. These all actually make it easier to process when he turns his frustrations in my direction, because I know it isn't my fault and if it wasn't me setting him off it would be something else. When we discuss the situation after things have hit crescendo point and subsided, he is perfectly able to acknowledge that it is unfair to expect me to absorb all of his anger, and to calmly discuss the things in our life that need to be addressed to reduce the pressure on both of us. Putting them into practice is not always straightforward, and there can be lapses, but we are both trying.

That's more than I'd planned to say but I hope that gives an outline of what we're dealing with, and how. I've been reading the "success stories" on the board and they're giving me a great deal of hope, both in the sense that I'm doing a lot of the things they recommend already, and that if we can get him into the appropriate therapy some day it would be a massive help to him - and me.