Hi Rayban, that all fits and makes sense. My therapist says he's all about control. He is very quick witted (sometimes funny, other times caustic) and it all just comes out. Maybe he doesn't think before he speaks. I suppose it could all depend on his emotion at the time rather than deliberate intention to hurt at times. Impulsive maybe? I remember pointing out hurtful remarks and, at times, he seemed surprised. Maybe it's a reflection of lack of empathy or reduced ability to empathise and understand how something could hurt another?
Hi FHTH,
.Most of us can think of a time or a person where we've done some version of that, a common defense mechanism.
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That's very true. I've unfortunately been guilty of the same.
.But when we ask the question How can I use this? it can become valuable. You're doing very well lately BTW, not triggered by communication with him, and good for you, and it can be interesting and fun to let him do what he does, spew his crap, and then notice how much it affects you. And focus only on that. And if doesn't affect you at all then you might consider yourself detached, if it affects you a little, how long does it take to get out of your system? You can make a game of it, have fun with it, not let it affect you because you say so yes?
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Yes, I've become a lot calmer, much less triggered. This is part of our recent encounter:
Me: I was just trying to be kind.
Him: That'll be what threw me.This one triggered me a little and hit the mark. My heart started racing, but not full-on anxiety like before. I gathered myself and later on 'hit' back.
Him: Same old L
Me: Yes, do you miss me? Understandable.
Him: A couple of times in my car but I'll get you one of these daysFunny I suppose. He's always been able to make me laugh yet there's an undertone in all of this that I don't like. Vague insults. I mean we're not friends, not lightheartedly playing around. There's been a lot of damage between us.
I just feel sad really. Sad that I had to remind myself that I'm a conscientous person. Clinging to what I know about myself versus what he says. Sad that I 'hit' back trying to preserve my self-esteem and sad because I still miss the funny him. The quick witted person who could make me laugh out loud.
My thoughts and feelings about him swing between fear because of all the damage, and compassion because he can be nice and I know he hurts. What I'm trying to do now is reach a balance between them. Somewhere in the middle that doesn't throw me. If that makes any sense?
I like the idea of asking how I can use this. I remember reading a post of yours where you mentioned that encounters like this can be a measure of how well we are detaching and this is what I followed this time. I noticed that it took me much less time to recover. I will aim for the time when any insults he throws my way will be like water of a ducks back. At which point I will be completely free. I am definitely on my way.
