Need help to understand her better

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. She wasn't diagnosed when we first started dating but we knew she had some emotional issues. About 6 months into our relationship I convinced her to see a therapist. She was diagnosed with BPD, ptsd, anxiety, and a few other disorders. We went through the med trials and her doctor thinks he's got her almost to the right dosage of what she needs so she will begin dbt in a week or two. It had been highly emotional and very rough on our relationship and I only feel like I make it worse sometimes. It's as if no matter what I do to try and help her through her rages it either doesn't help or sets her off more. She's used opiates in the past but not regularly but now she seems as though she craves them because she considers them a reset for herself. Her therapist put on her record that she could only be approved by a specialist to relieve them and that set her off. She's currently coming to a very difficult time of year for her and has been back and forth in a rage for about a week and a half. She use to just up and leave for a week or so to help herself escape but last night began talking about how she thinks she's done with this life and that dying wouldn't be a big deal because everyone dies. There was no talking to her about it or changing her mind about it and I was sincerely scared for a few hours that she may actually try to hurt herself or run away again. This was all after a fight when she went through my phone and came upon a text to a friend asking advice because I only felt like I was failing her. She went off telling me I betrayed her and she could no longer trust me. We have been fighting very frequently for about 6 months now because I haven't been sure what to say to make her feel better and then I end up getting frustrated and upset and angry. I want help. I love her, I don't want to lose her and I want to spend my life with her but until she starts actually going to dbt classes and taking it seriously it's very difficult for us to have a conversation because I don't want to throw her into another rage again because her stability is so fragile lately. I just need advice on what I can do until she begins to use the skills she's going to learn in her therapy and classes. She's completely lost hope for herself and I don't know what else I can say to her to try and lift her up.

[Svansi]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half. She wasn't diagnosed when we first started dating but we knew she had some emotional issues. About 6 months into our relationship I convinced her to see a therapist. She was diagnosed with BPD, ptsd, anxiety, and a few other disorders. We went through the med trials and her doctor thinks he's got her almost to the right dosage of what she needs so she will begin dbt in a week or two. It had been highly emotional and very rough on our relationship and I only feel like I make it worse sometimes. It's as if no matter what I do to try and help her through her rages it either doesn't help or sets her off more. She's used opiates in the past but not regularly but now she seems as though she craves them because she considers them a reset for herself. Her therapist put on her record that she could only be approved by a specialist to relieve them and that set her off. She's currently coming to a very difficult time of year for her and has been back and forth in a rage for about a week and a half. She use to just up and leave for a week or so to help herself escape but last night began talking about how she thinks she's done with this life and that dying wouldn't be a big deal because everyone dies. There was no talking to her about it or changing her mind about it and I was sincerely scared for a few hours that she may actually try to hurt herself or run away again. This was all after a fight when she went through my phone and came upon a text to a friend asking advice because I only felt like I was failing her. She went off telling me I betrayed her and she could no longer trust me. We have been fighting very frequently for about 6 months now because I haven't been sure what to say to make her feel better and then I end up getting frustrated and upset and angry. I want help. I love her, I don't want to lose her and I want to spend my life with her but until she starts actually going to dbt classes and taking it seriously it's very difficult for us to have a conversation because I don't want to throw her into another rage again because her stability is so fragile lately. I just need advice on what I can do until she begins to use the skills she's going to learn in her therapy and classes. She's completely lost hope for herself and I don't know what else I can say to her to try and lift her up.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! There are many people here who share you story... .

I want to spend my life with her but until she starts actually going to dbt classes and taking it seriously it's very difficult for us to have a conversation because I don't want to throw her into another rage again because her stability is so fragile lately. I just need advice on what I can do until she begins to use the skills she's going to learn in her therapy and classes.

I need to give you the bad news first: Even after she goes to therapy, things will probably not change. Therapy may help reduce the number and strength of rages, but they will always be there. DO NOT rely on hope of her "getting better".

But the good news: life can get better when YOU skill yourself up. There are a number of essential skills that you can learn to help you talk with her, help the relationship become easier, and to make you feel in control again. These do not "fix" your relationship, they just make it bearable.

I recommend reading about Validation first. This is a way to talk with her so that she feels heard. At the moment she is raging because she doesn't feel you understand her. The problem is you are listening and talking like a man. Validation teaches you to ignore her words (!) and focus on what she feels instead - with trying to solve or understand. It sounds crazy - but it works.

If you are ready to learn, start reading here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Then post some conversations and we can help guide you.

[Svansi]

Thank you so much. It's amazing and honestly incredibly relieving to read some of these posts and know that I'm not alone with the difficulties of our relationship. And thank you so much for the link. I was actually just about to post asking about where to go to get skills for myself.
I get what you mean and I didn't really mean "to make her better" I know that's not a possibility and I feel I can handle her rages with the right skills and tools, but the frequency lately and intensity is what has been getting to me. I work live in weekends every other weekend and it use to be we would automatically fight as soon as I would get to work for the 48 hours that I'm here. It started that we would fight at first and then get over it and be fine the rest of the time. Then it became us fighting for the whole weekend off and on. It's not to a point where we fight when I get here and we fight off and on through the week. On my weekends as soon as one fight is what I consider resolved at that point another one starts. So I obviously realize the fight was not over for her even if she seemed fine again but it's hard to know when it early is because nearly all of our fights happen in messages instead of face to face.
But I am definitely ready to learn what I need to do to hopefully de-esculate a lot of our fights before they end up in screaming matches and name calling. Thank you so much for your insight into my situation. 

[ArleighBurke]

Validation will help ease the arguements. But it also takes a lot of maturity from you. You need to be the "bigger person". To:
- ignore her insults and focus on the issues
- remain calm and centered
- walk away when you can't
- understand that most of the time she is just venting and doesn't want a solution
- offer empathy - sincerely
- be confident and self assured

But you can do it!