They Will Rewrite History

[Heldfast]

2 years out of being engaged to what I believe to be a NPD/BPD fiancee who ghosted on me and moved across country into an immediate relationship with her high school boyfriend. A friend asked me today if my ex and I had ever had an abusive relationship. She had facebook posted an article about "you have the right to leave" and said, I only wish I'd seen this two years ago when people were telling me I should stay without regard to my safety or happiness. It was the use of the word safety which threw him off. She knows there was never anything but love for her when she left, but apparently is dressing this up for her no longer new audience as how the real love of her life saved her from evil, abusive me. I was the hero rescuer in the last chapter of her life. But now I know, it's always the next guy who is the hero rescuer... .and the last guy is just another monster. Good luck to her new white knight, he's going to need it.

[Pretty Woman]

Heldfast,
   Same here. This is nothing new really. Don't get me wrong... .I'm really glad you shared this.

Mine has me pegged as a rapist. She has pegged most of her exes as rapists (to me). My ex and I are both women, btw.

It hurts like H E L L anyone would defame anothers character. I hate that there are people out there that probably believe her words. Thing is this... .

I believed her once too.

They are all being deceived for HER benefit. Eventually, they will be of no use to her and will go from rescuer to victim/persecutor.

Hang in there. The ex before me is a prison psychologist. She told me she was a sex addict and that she had to change her number and move to get away from her.

After we were dating a few months she actually called this woman for advice on how to fix my electric circuit board. Once I figured out what BPD was I started to see things more clear and figured out she was stringing this woman along until she knew she had me.

Later, I find out this poor woman was in the process of moving here (sold her house in another state) when I came along. She went on to find a really great partner so I am happy for her but you see what I am saying... .

patterns don't just magically disappear!

 
PW

[JerryRG]

Yes they do, mine did

Started hanging out in Dec, got engaged in June, pregnant in July. And I guess I raped her in April... .I believe she's using this as an excuse to walk away from our son.

There's only one rule they follow, their own

[stimpy]

I was the hero rescuer in the last chapter of her life. But now I know, it's always the next guy who is the hero rescuer... .and the last guy is just another monster.

It's a pattern, and a nasty one at that.

I too was suckered in with the pity play. She went out of her way to tell me about her abusive exes, of the DV she suffered. And I felt like the knight in shining armour, who would treat her right and save her from the horrible things that have happened to her.

By the end of the relationship (thankfully quite short), she was insulting my character and no doubt I will join the "hall of fame"  of people who have treated her badly.

No matter the abuse and insults and devaluing behaviour she threw at me.

It was a pattern. She would devalue/insult/humiliate me, I would react, and ask her not to do this. This would be turned into an argument and then she would turn it around and blame me. With this in mind, her blaming me for the argument, she could then play victim. And that in her twisted logic, gave her the right to persecute and punish me. Really nasty stuff.

So my feelings were in effect totally invalidated and looking back, my emotional safety and well being didn't matter to her one little bit.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I've been NC for almost a month now, and since me and my ex work in the same field I honestly am kind of terrified what she's been saying.

She def. portrayed her last male partner as a rapist, now I'm wondering what the hell she's been saying about me.

From what I've read I'm sure she believes whatever she's  saying is true.  It's seriously made me consider just packing up and leaving.

I'd give a lot to have never met this person.

[Larmoyant]

My ex told me that his ex wife was crazy, had attacked him with a corkscrew, had slept with half our city, including the back of pubs with his friends, and he'd been unsure as to the paternity of his third child. I didn't know her, but third parties said she may have had a volatile temper, and was always arguing  with him (sounds familiar), but was definitely not a cheat. In fact, was totally the opposite. She has been separated from him for years now and apparently has never had another partner. Maybe she's too scared to after being with him. I know I am.

He also painted a terrible picture of his mother saying that when he was 5 she'd broken down a bathroom door to beat him. I was horrified for him, only later, his aunt (who thought there was something wrong with him) described his mother as the kindest, gentlest woman on the planet. Something didn't add up. No doubt I have now joined the "hall of fame" too, painted the blackest of black by now. As long as I don't hear about it I'll be fine. For those, such as dazedandconfused, who have to work with them I am so sorry. This sounds like the ultimate nightmare. Why do they have to defame us do you think?

[DazedandConfus3d]

Why do they have to defame us do you think?

I'm as much in the dark as the rest of us, but it's gotta be the splitting thing right?

We started as their ideal- the person they would shape their identity around, then we dissapointed and angered them and they split us black.

If, in their heads, we're basically the devil, then by that logic, we must deserve any vengeance they choose to visit on us, right?  Any pain they cause us is just payback for the pain we made them feel... .

I'm not sure how this all plays out with their feelings of shame or self loathing- is that also displaced onto us? When they split us white again, is it the shame of what they've done or said that drives that?  I wish i knew.  2 months out, the only thing I'm sure of is that my ex is dangerous and almost got me killed, so regardless of why, I just want her as far from me as possible, regardless of how she is feeling about me at the time, eventually she'll come back around to a person who doesn't care if I live or die.  At that point they why is kind of immaterial to me.

If anyone does have any insights onto what drives the post breakup cruelty and how to defuse or minimize the damage it causes us, please share your knowledge.

[stimpy]

He also painted a terrible picture of his mother

This sounds very familiar. What I did hear after the relationship was over, was that she told a friend of mine that on Christmas day, her mother phoned her, and she didn't take the call. Now, to me that says that she is still, even now (34 years after leaving home) punishing her mother. While her mother is desperately trying to build bridges. She also said that her mother was mentally ill. Oddly, I was never allowed to meet her.

As to why they do all this painting black and post break up cruelty, I like to think it is related to three things; projection (of shame and guilt), punishment (we have failed in our job to save them) and transference of the unresolved anger they feel for others onto us.

[tammym1972]

My ex bf of 4 years did the same thing. At the beginning I was the answer to all his prayers. His ex wife and also his ex fiance were the devil, everybody treated him bad etc. Fast forward 4 years and I'm sure he is saying all the same bad stuff about me, his new girlfriend is perfect for him he says.

I'm trying not to wonder what he is telling our old friends and family but it does get to me and really hurts.

[GoingBack2OC]

Interesting. I never gave thought to this, but my ex, which was a habit that really bothered me (she loved to drop or share little hints of past sexual exploits and relationships), but she told me once, her ex before me, whom she  portrayed as a villain to say the least, I mean she fumed hatred for this guy, so much so that she hated all things French ( he was french ).

But she told me stuff, which unless I ask, I really don't need mental images in my head of what her past other lovers tool size, shape, etc was. It was never complimentary. Of course during our time ( well first 18 mo when we were good etc ) I was the most amazing, well endowed yada yada... .Im sure right?,

But one time, she said her ex used to get really drunk with her, and he would just "f$ck" her all night even after she fell asleep or passed out. Like for hours.

Again one of those moments where I was like... .I do not need to hear about this, or the specific aspects of the sexual parts of their bodies... .details I need not have in my head. So I didn't consider this. It was something she did literally throughout our relationship and I constantly ignored, changed subject... .its just not appropriate, and I really dont want to think about how x did this or was like this or that... .especially because they were never positive things. They were, weird, ewww or ridiculous things.

But that actually is rape I suppose. She didn't call it that. But black out sex? Thats weird. It didn't dawn on me until I read this thread. I guess she consented because they dated for a while. And she phrased it like that was his thing, get her drunk and black her out, and just go at it. It wasnt described as a he did this once kind of thing.

I have no doubt my ex is trashing me, and absolutely in regards to sex. She of course worshiped me during, but now, realizing this trend, and realizing she trashed all her exes sex wise - Im next on the list no doubt.  

Basic trashing, not sex specific, She was well on her way with that even in the relationship. 3 years in, she threatened to slit her writs, and vanished. In a panic  days later I couldn't reach her, I called a friend of hers on FB.  This I did not expect, at all,

She lashed back. Shes fine. You need to lay off. You need to give her peace and quiet. You are a poisonous person. Thats what she said. I went to this girls wedding as a guest!

So wow... .distortion.

Another big thing. A number of times, she would have a friend in the car or room with me on speaker phone,,, but not tell me.  Then she would get me in a way into a weird convo, so Id say personal stuff, humiliation... .she dug it.

I certainly hope Im not being pegged as a rapist, but nothing would even surprise me after my experience.

It didn't even dawn on me as something she would even do, until I saw this and thought about how her ex before me would keep going even after she blacked out. Which again certainly weirded me out, but again, I really don't like talking about sexual pasts in graphic detail so never viewed or gave enough thought to it being rape. She in lots of ways portrayed herself as very innocent, this is the first time I've tried this and that.  Shes never done this lets try. After five years, there was nothing left to try... .literally. I wonder if I will ever find a girl like that again, as in many ways she showed me a world i knew nothing of.

I think, in retrospect, she plays that card with every guy she is with.    

Shes a victimized virginal girl whos only done a few boring things with gross guys .  To every next guy she sees.

Scary.

[CooperD]

I agree completely with the way the BPD is able to re-write history to present themselves as the victim and you as the bad partner.

My best example is our 'engagement'

I had planned to propose to my BPD in march 2015 (I had bought a ring - a token ring until we could choose the proper one together).

Had custom made t shirts printed with our faces on of a cute picture of us saying "this is my fiancee",

I paid for her transatlatnic flights from the US to UK to London (the city we first met),

I had booked us into a 5 star hotel where we first stayed when we met, I had booked us into a really nice french restaurant where we had eaten the first trip we met,

I was going to take her to a really nice park where we almost had our first kiss,

I had concert tickets to see noel gallagher play (it was at one of his gigs that we first met)

and my big big surprise was that I was going to give her the notice letter
confirming that I had purchased the property she loved and wanted to live in here in the UK.

Did I get to do all those things as planned = no

Two days before my BPD was due to fly she told me in a rage she didnt want to come and that she didnt want to be with me.  I had to then reveal every single one  of my plans to persuade her to get on the plane.

For the next year and a bit she has then blamed me for not giving her the engagement she deserved or even planning to propose to her  !  Yet the reality is she destroyed what would have been a perfect engagement plan due to her BPD.  In her eyes and those on her side I am the bad one for not giving her the engagement she deserved yet objectively and rationally when I list the things I had prepared it is a complete airbrushing of history.

One of the saddest things she ever said to me when I revealed that i had purchased the property was "you were going to make me a princess in a castle" yet within days was splitting me back. 

[stimpy]

its just not appropriate, and I really dont want to think about how x did this or was like this or that... .especially because they were never positive things. They were, weird, ewww or ridiculous things.

This is a very illuminating thread - I thought it was only me that heard waaaaaay too much about the sexual exploits of her exes, but no, that would seem to be another trait. So yeah, I heard how her most recent ex was Asexual, then how wonderful two of her other exes were in bed... .blah, blah, blah.

I hasten to add, that I never asked, and I didn't care then and I don't care now.

In fact come to think of it, I knew one hec of a lot about the previous relationships my ex had, and I never asked about them, I was informed.

The more I think about it, the stranger and weirder it gets. I guess it could be a mix of triangulation, devaluing and manipulation, all rolled into one. Oh yes, and boundary busting as well.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I think, in retrospect, she plays that card with every guy she is with.    

Shes a victimized virginal girl whos only done a few boring things with gross guys .  To every next guy she sees.

Scary.

WOW this!

I'd got up to some stuff before, and was def. no blushing virgin, and heck I'd even say I'd gotten more out on the edge than most folks, but my ex... .wow- stuff I'd never dreamed of- and at first I thought it was stuff we were exploring together, but now I know this is how she is with everyone.

That story of 'your're the special one,' plus mindblowing sex, plus pushing the edge, plus the high of being mirrored... .they become like a drug to us- and they pull that trick with EVERYONE they meet.

Damn right that's scary. 

[JerryRG]

My son's mother did this too, I would get nauseous but oh don't I dare bring up my past. Immature creeps

[tammym1972]

My ex did this with his ex fiance. How wonderful she was in bed and how boring I was. This is a girl he ended up disliking at the beginning of our relationship then at then started idealizing. It was weird.

[lovenature]

If anyone does have any insights onto what drives the post breakup cruelty and how to defuse or minimize the damage it causes us, please share your knowledge.

They have to be the better person, if not they would melt into a puddle of shame. We diffuse and minimize the damage by realizing they have a serious mental illness and the best course of action is for us to be as boring and unemotional as possible.

[statsattack]

My ex did something very similar

[michel71]

They will rewrite history and have rewritten history. I am now sure that all the victim stories that my uBPDw told me have a different side to them. I am dying to find out the truth. That would involve contacting the people who did her wrong, some of which I have email addresses for. I will not to that now however. Maybe never. If she EFFS with me during the divorce I will contact every one of them. I told myself that if a year from now I still want to I can contact them. I am not sure, however, if I will get the answers I want to here.
They are also actively engaged in re-working the present, if that makes any sense. There world is very different. Feelings are facts. Daily they are bombarded with wrongdoing of some kind and from someone, mostly their significant OTHER.
I have no doubt that mine will tell a very awful tale of our marriage and the blame will be on me. I could practically write it for her I know her so well. That sounds like a good idea for a new thread so I will post it now.