chaotic marriage

[amusement park]

I have been in this relationship for almost 6 years.  I love my wife very much.  For the first 8 months of our relationship, it was virtually perfect by my count.  It is my second marriage and we have so much more in common than I did with my first marriage who was my high school sweetheart and we married young.  About a year into my relationship, she had a stroke, tia, and things started changing.  We married a year and a half into the relationship and it has been chaos to say the least.  She has not been diagnosed, but I have done extensive research, and she certainly has symptoms.  She has filed for divorce 5 times, only to dismiss 4 of them.  One is currently in the process once again.  She had 7 jobs in less than 4 years, we moved numerous times because she would get her "dream job" only to grow weary of it soon.  Home purchases were based on double income, thus all the moves.  I didn't know anything about mood disorders until recently when I joined a class in church with numerous bi polar people and their loved ones.  It is then that I realized I wasn't alone.  I purchased the book "stop walking on eggshells"  and it has helped me considerably.  We are currently separated and she hasn't had contact with me in 5 weeks.  Any help or advice out there?

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[fromheeltoheal]

Hi amusement park-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in that situation, it sounds chaotic and unstable, although not rare around here, we've been there and we understand.

Any help or advice out there?

You sound committed to the relationship and you're reading the right material.  Being separated for 5 weeks is there any agreement as to what's happening, or that's just it, you're separated?  Apart from the Saving board here there's also the Improving board and lots and lots of helpful tools and articles to help you understand, at least, the disorder and be able to communicate with her more effectively for both of you. 

Can you share more of your story and where you stand as far as communicating with her and reconciling?

[amusement park]

Can you share more of your story and where you stand as far as communicating with her and reconciling?

We are blocked from each others phones and emails.  My attorney asked her attorney if she is open to being diagnosed.  I haven't heard back yet...

[amusement park]

I haven't communicated with her in 7 weeks.  She threatened a restraining order against me if I continued to try to contact her.  When I have been out with friends she literally goes berzerk.  I am at the end of my wits with her behavior.  Like most others on the message board, she pretty much blames me and doesn't accept her role in the problems.  She lost her father last year and her mother is a huge enabler.  Her little daughter does nothing wrong.  Very disturbing.  My family and friends are all telling me to get out of the relationship of 6 years.  It has really affected me financially and emotionally.

[Meili]

I'm confused by this:

I haven't communicated with her in 7 weeks.  She threatened a restraining order against me if I continued to try to contact her.  When I have been out with friends she literally goes berzerk.

Was she going berserk when you went out with friends before the seven weeks of silence?

[amusement park]

She called in sick to work one day when I was with friends on a fishing trip.  She harrassed me a great deal when I was with a son, his friend and a friend of mine on a guy trip one weekend.  I should have just shut my phone off.  She claimed I didn't respect her, I put her second behind my friends, she claimed she was really pounding the booze while we were having fun.  It ruined my weekend and my son lives very far away.  Another time I had friends coming to our city for an event.  They called in the morning asking us to join them for dinner that evening.  We had nothing planned.  Nonetheless, she drug her feet and dug in claiming we were't going to dinner with them.  Another rotten evening.  She seems to be able to turn very angry on a moments notice and I don't know how to react.  I am learning since reading this message board.  She hasn't been diagnosed and is too stubborn to admit she has a problem even though she has confessed to wanting to change her life due to things that have occurred in her lifetime. I would be willing to reconcile with her and be her biggest support but we have no communication as we are blocked from each other. Any advice out there?

[Meili]

If you have her blocked, how do you know that she hasn't tried to communicate with you?

[amusement park]

I've heard "don't ever leave me", "you're my soulmate", " I want to be with you for the rest of my life."
Then the next day she is ready to end our relationship.  In 4 years she had 2 "dream jobs" only to quit them and 5 other jobs. I'm her third marriage and she told me I am the only one who has mentioned that she has a mental disorder.  I have read extensively about disorders and talked with someone who has a loved one with a disorder and it all points to my loved one having a mental disorder.  She refuses to acknowledge it and I feel our marriage is over.  She has been involved with another man to what extent, I don't know.  She was the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but her disorder has wreaked havoc in our relationship.  I've told her the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and her relationship with this other guy won't work.  Does she have to hit rock bottom to figure things out or are there some suggestions out there?

[Meili]

You probably should accept the fact that she may never figure it out.

Another fact that you have to accept is that the only thing that you can control is you, so that's where your focus should be. I know that it's hard to do that when you are suffering and the person that you love is suffering. It feels like the only thing that can ease the suffering is her. That's not true though. You are the only person who can ease your suffering.

When you have learned to self-soothe and communicate in a healthier manner with her, then you can reduce the amount of strife. There are some links in the sidebar to the right that will help you begin to learn how to do these things.