Moving on

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

I am on day 7 of no contact with my ex girlfriend. We were together for 4 years. 2 weeks ago on a Friday night it ended and I was devastated. At that time I didn't know about BPD. She told me she was taking prozac for depression.

When we first got together she chased me. She said I was the first boyfriend that she ever chased after and wanted and got. I think she liked the fact that I had a reputation for being a ladies man back then.

I was going through a divorce when we started seeing each other. We worked together.

After 5 months she told me she would totally marry me if I proposed to her.  She also wanted me to move in with her.  I was hesitant because the divorce wasn't final.  Shortly after that I caught her with another guy. I ended up moving in with her. I should have left right then. I accept that I'm responsible for what I'm going through now because I didn't walk away on that day.

Another time she started watching a TV show. Thought one of the actors was hot and found his email on line. She started conversing with him. He wanted to fly her out to Hollywood to meet him. I told her if she went I was going to break up with her. She asked for clarification several times on what would happen if she went then said she wouldn't go.  Then one day I got a text that she was on the plane going to meet this actor.  It crushed me. I still didn't break up. She told me that she didn't know that  really loved her. In fact she said that with each hurdle.

I noticed that he had very poor impulse control. Especially with food. She had put on 20 lbs  recently.  I work out and eat healthy and have tried to get her to join me to no avail. Anyway I did something mean which I am ashamed of and apologized for... .I'm embarrassed to admit this but I called her fat one morning and she cried. I apologizedon't but the damage was done.

Shortly after that she started talking to a drug dealer. She went to visit her sister one Friday night and showed up that Sunday morning with a moving van saying it was over.

She left me to be with him but lied when I asked was a guy involved. 

She always said she wanted to marry me and that she loved me but I couldn't marry her because I felt if you lie and cheat on me as a girlfriend it will happen as a wife and I'll loose half of everything again so I wouldn't marry her.

(We both moved to this state from other states for work.  After my divorce she was all I had in terms of family.  Her brother and sister moved down here within the last year. But I have no family or close friends here.)

After she left I found out she was dating the drug dealer. I tried to get her back but all she would say is she needed more time. I even became suicidal and ended up seeing my doctor,  a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was in so much pain I wanted to die just to make the pain stop. I found myself sitting in my car, with the garage closed, my windows down and the car running for 5 minutes before I went back into to the house to beg her to come back. I know. It was pathetic but I was in that much pain.  And she didn't come back. I lost 20lbs  in a month. I couldn't eat nor sleep nor relax.

 Finally, After 42 days I talked her into coming back. She said that she wanted to be engaged if she came back. I said ok. She came back, I got her the ring and she seemed happy for 3 weeks.  Then on Friday night almost 2 weeks ago I came home to a letter that she loved me but couldn't marry me because her heart belongs to somebody else. She went back to the drug dealer.

I was devastated. I started looking on line to see if there was any mental illness that would make a person act like she did. Her judgment is way off... .it's like dealing with a child trying to get her to understand things. I figured
that a drug dealer, an unstable woman and an ex boyfriend still in love was a recipe for disaster so I bounced.  I did send her an email about BPD and told her I believe she had it and I would still go with her to her psychiatrist appointment if she wanted me to but she never responded back.

When she moved out the second time last Saturday she left some of her things behind... .is that so she can come back when she's done with him?

I'm trying to take this day by day. I actually had to call and talk to my ex wife about the situation.  When I went to the psychiatrist he said my response as normal in that situation because my girlfriend was my only family here and I didn't have those close relationships for support.

Anyway,  thanks for listening. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who's been through this.

[Surviving daily]

Hello all,

I am on day 7 of no contact with my ex girlfriend. We were together for 4 years. 2 weeks ago on a Friday night it ended and I was devastated. At that time I didn't know about BPD. She told me she was taking prozac for depression.

When we first got together she chased me. She said I was the first boyfriend that she ever chased after and wanted and got. I think she liked the fact that I had a reputation for being a ladies man back then.

I was going through a divorce when we started seeing each other. We worked together.

After 5 months she told me she would totally marry me if I proposed to her.  She also wanted me to move in with her.  I was hesitant because the divorce wasn't final.  Shortly after that I caught her with another guy. I ended up moving in with her. I should have left right then. I accept that I'm responsible for what I'm going through now because I didn't walk away on that day.

Another time she started watching a TV show. Thought one of the actors was hot and found his email on line. She started conversing with him. He wanted to fly her out to Hollywood to meet him. I told her if she went I was going to break up with her. She asked for clarification several times on what would happen if she went then said she wouldn't go.  Then one day I got a text that she was on the plane going to meet this actor.  It crushed me. I still didn't break up. She told me that she didn't know that  really loved her. In fact she said that with each hurdle.

I noticed that he had very poor impulse control. Especially with food. She had put on 20 lbs  recently.  I work out and eat healthy and have tried to get her to join me to no avail. Anyway I did something mean which I am ashamed of and apologized for... .I'm embarrassed to admit this but I called her fat one morning and she cried. I apologizedon't but the damage was done.

Shortly after that she started talking to a drug dealer. She went to visit her sister one Friday night and showed up that Sunday morning with a moving van saying it was over.

She left me to be with him but lied when I asked was a guy involved. 

She always said she wanted to marry me and that she loved me but I couldn't marry her because I felt if you lie and cheat on me as a girlfriend it will happen as a wife and I'll loose half of everything again so I wouldn't marry her.

(We both moved to this state from other states for work.  After my divorce she was all I had in terms of family.  Her brother and sister moved down here within the last year. But I have no family or close friends here.)

After she left I found out she was dating the drug dealer. I tried to get her back but all she would say is she needed more time. I even became suicidal and ended up seeing my doctor,  a therapist and a psychiatrist. I was in so much pain I wanted to die just to make the pain stop. I found myself sitting in my car, with the garage closed, my windows down and the car running for 5 minutes before I went back into to the house to beg her to come back. I know. It was pathetic but I was in that much pain.  And she didn't come back. I lost 20lbs  in a month. I couldn't eat nor sleep nor relax.

 Finally, After 42 days I talked her into coming back. She said that she wanted to be engaged if she came back. I said ok. She came back, I got her the ring and she seemed happy for 3 weeks.  Then on Friday night almost 2 weeks ago I came home to a letter that she loved me but couldn't marry me because her heart belongs to somebody else. She went back to the drug dealer.

I was devastated. I started looking on line to see if there was any mental illness that would make a person act like she did. Her judgment is way off... .it's like dealing with a child trying to get her to understand things. I figured
that a drug dealer, an unstable woman and an ex boyfriend still in love was a recipe for disaster so I bounced.  I did send her an email about BPD and told her I believe she had it and I would still go with her to her psychiatrist appointment if she wanted me to but she never responded back.

When she moved out the second time last Saturday she left some of her things behind... .is that so she can come back when she's done with him?

I'm trying to take this day by day. I actually had to call and talk to my ex wife about the situation.  When I went to the psychiatrist he said my response as normal in that situation because my girlfriend was my only family here and I didn't have those close relationships for support.

Anyway,  thanks for listening. It helps knowing I'm not the only one who's been through this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Surviving daily-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very hurtful and confusing, although it's not rare around here, we've all been there and we understand.

When she moved out the second time last Saturday she left some of her things behind... .is that so she can come back when she's done with him?

Someone with traits of borderline personality disorder places a lot of focus on attachments, emotional attachment to someone to feel whole, complete, and losing one, regardless of the actual events, is interpreted as abandonment, so a borderline hates to lose an attachment. 

No telling why she left things, could have been she forgot, or could have been a reason to contact you, or something else.  2 weeks is no time at all after 4 years though, and as you detach, grieve, and process the emotions your perception of her, you and the relationship will likely change, especially if you read a lot here, connect with what you're reading, and learn about the disorder; it can make the confusion go away at least, then we're left with the grieving.

Here's an article many have found helpful at this stage: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself very well and focus on your detachment, for yourself of course, but also if she does contact you again you'll have more tools and wisdom to deal with it.  Take care of you!

[Surviving daily]

She texted me on day 16 of no contact.  She wished me a happy birthday.  I texted back thank you and sorry for your loss  as I had just heard that her grandmother passed. She said thanks. Then I called her but she didn't answer.

I still want her back. Was she reaching out and using my birthday as a way to test the waters? I know I should probably stay in no contact but I'm thinking of texting her and asking can we talk.
Is that birthday text just a way of charming?

[fromheeltoheal]

I still want her back. Was she reaching out and using my birthday as a way to test the waters? I know I should probably stay in no contact but I'm thinking of texting her and asking can we talk.
Is that birthday text just a way of charming?

Hard to say Surviving.  It could have been just a birthday wish, not totally inappropriate since you just broke up, and it could have been a borderline feeling abandoned by the loss of an attachment and trying to see, testing as you put it, if that attachment it still in place.  Written communication is the weakest form, so there are lots of opportunities to read between the lines.

I still want her back.

Then go get her, although you also say you know you should probably not contact her.  There are Saving and Undecided boards on this site too Surviving, you might try one of those if you're not sure, and also read the article I gave you a link to above.  The most important thing is to ask what's the goal?  And it's OK not to know completely yet, plus it's common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts in these relationships.

[Surviving daily]

I've read that people with BPD go through a cycle  of idealization, devaluation,  then discard... .I think I interrupted the cycle the first time and she went back to him... .or I got too close with the engagement and it caused her to run away. I want her back but don't know what to do. I've read a lot that they usually return on there own.  Is it better to pursue her or give her space and let her miss me

[Surviving daily]

I know I read on here where her actions speak the truth. She is the one who always wanted to get married.  She was the one who wanted to be engaged.  She is also the one who left with another guy. Her actions are all over the place. Fear of abandonment vs fear of intimacy or maybe she really doesn't want to be with me. It's very confusing.

[woundedPhoenix]

I know I read on here where her actions speak the truth. She is the one who always wanted to get married.  She was the one who wanted to be engaged.  She is also the one who left with another guy. Her actions are all over the place. Fear of abandonment vs fear of intimacy or maybe she really doesn't want to be with me. It's very confusing.

As a rule of thumb... .they want to have every piece of you and are scared you will leave them... .until you totally open up in a loving way and the intimacy issue arises.
Then they push you back, devalue you, start mind games, triangulate or cheat on you, to get away from the very intimacy they crave for so deeply.

How it works isn't that confusing, it is what it does to us and why we still crave for this impossible love, that's the real confusing part.

[rosesarered777]

My ex-wife and I are separated and I spoke to an ex-boyfriend of hers. He broke the "bro code" and talked to her, giving me very little details. Why he approached her, I don't know. He claims she wants to move on and for me to move on.

It's totally possible she may change once December hits. The guy wouldn't even tell me if she was dating or not but felt she wasn't. You can never know with her.