It's complicated

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

This is my first post. I've been in a relationship with my wife for nearly 20 years. We have two school age kids. I'd like to give them a stable environment but it's been difficult. She was verbally abusive to the point where my self confidence was seriously shot. It didn't help that I can be a tad ADD, so there is legitimacy to her attacks. A few years ago, before I learned about BPD, my wife had a pattern where she would blow up and leave for a hotel. This usually happened after I fought back instead of just taking it like usual. I'd be left at home with the kids wondering if she was ever coming back.

After a particularly difficult stretch, I decided I needed to leave. Somehow, she sensed this and became nicer for a bit, but the damage was done on my side. Right around that time, my division was informed it would be cut in a few months and everyone would be laid off. My wife's first question was how this would affect her. A sympathetic female coworker entered the picture and I had an emotional+ affair. That was a huge mistake. It sent her over the edge and filled me with guilt. I decided to stay instead of leaving, but it's been really hard. Everything is now about how I'm a terrible person and am not doing enough to make it up to her for causing her pain.

We finally discovered BPD and everything finally made sense. However, she insists on dealing with it herself through meditation and other non-therapy approaches. She's actually made progress. But, today I came home from a trip to Asia and while I was gone, my wife found a note I wrote to myself from a year ago (pre learning about BPD). The note vented some frustration about her and was meant to serve as a reminder of topics to discuss with my therapist.

It doesn't matter that I wrote the note while angry and frustrated. It doesn't matter that I wrote only what she was already saying about herself. It doesn't matter that she's said far worse about me. What matters is that she believes that the note is how I really feel about her and she's interpreting it in the most extremely negative way, which is not even close to accurate.  

I've gotten the silent treatment for 10 days and nothing I say can break her out of her funk. I've tried to acknowledge her feelings. I've tried to explain context and what I was thinking at the time and that I wasn't thinking the way she's worried about. I've tried to explain that the way I write something to myself is not the same as she would write something. It doesn't make a difference. She says she can't stay with someone that thinks about her in the way she worries I do. Ugh.

What do I do now?

[DearHusband]

Hello,

This is my first post. I've been in a relationship with my wife for nearly 20 years. We have two school age kids. I'd like to give them a stable environment but it's been difficult. She was verbally abusive to the point where my self confidence was seriously shot. It didn't help that I can be a tad ADD, so there is legitimacy to her attacks. A few years ago, before I learned about BPD, my wife had a pattern where she would blow up and leave for a hotel. This usually happened after I fought back instead of just taking it like usual. I'd be left at home with the kids wondering if she was ever coming back.

After a particularly difficult stretch, I decided I needed to leave. Somehow, she sensed this and became nicer for a bit, but the damage was done on my side. Right around that time, my division was informed it would be cut in a few months and everyone would be laid off. My wife's first question was how this would affect her. A sympathetic female coworker entered the picture and I had an emotional+ affair. That was a huge mistake. It sent her over the edge and filled me with guilt. I decided to stay instead of leaving, but it's been really hard. Everything is now about how I'm a terrible person and am not doing enough to make it up to her for causing her pain.

We finally discovered BPD and everything finally made sense. However, she insists on dealing with it herself through meditation and other non-therapy approaches. She's actually made progress. But, today I came home from a trip to Asia and while I was gone, my wife found a note I wrote to myself from a year ago (pre learning about BPD). The note vented some frustration about her and was meant to serve as a reminder of topics to discuss with my therapist.

It doesn't matter that I wrote the note while angry and frustrated. It doesn't matter that I wrote only what she was already saying about herself. It doesn't matter that she's said far worse about me. What matters is that she believes that the note is how I really feel about her and she's interpreting it in the most extremely negative way, which is not even close to accurate.  

I've gotten the silent treatment for 10 days and nothing I say can break her out of her funk. I've tried to acknowledge her feelings. I've tried to explain context and what I was thinking at the time and that I wasn't thinking the way she's worried about. I've tried to explain that the way I write something to myself is not the same as she would write something. It doesn't make a difference. She says she can't stay with someone that thinks about her in the way she worries I do. Ugh.

What do I do now?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

She's actually made progress. But, today... .

I don't think BPD can ever be "cured". Therapy should reduce the number of episodes, or reduce their strength, but it can never make them go away. So if she's made progress, but still slips - that's to be expected.

I've gotten the silent treatment for 10 days and nothing I say can break her out of her funk. I've tried to acknowledge her feelings. I've tried to explain context and what I was thinking at the time and that I wasn't thinking the way she's worried about. I've tried to explain that the way I write something to myself is not the same as she would write something. It doesn't make a difference. She says she can't stay with someone that thinks about her in the way she worries I do. Ugh.
What do I do now?

If you've known about BPD for a few years I presume you know that LOGIC doesn't help her. It sounds like you tried Validating her feelings - which is good. Any logic (explaining) after that was pointless. I presume part of your validation was an apology (not for doing something wrong, but for doing something that upset her).

She's feeling hurt/angry/whatever. Some is real pain, but i think a lot of it is "I'm a poor victim". Perhaps even she's afraid of being happy because she may lose you again. It doesn't really matter. I suggest you leave her alone. Go about your life. Have fun. Be happy. Invite her to have fun and be happy with you. She'll call you insensitive because you're not wallowing in sorrow with her. You can say broken record: "I know things I've done in the past have made you upset. I want to move forward and have a happy marriage with you".

She is worried that you may leave again, she's probably trying to find evidence so she doesn't have to trust you again. Be strong, be sure, be confident. I think the stronger a leader you are, the more she is inclined to follow. The more she is inclined to trust you.