Hello, Stresseddoc. Your marriage sounds very similar to mine. If you're interested in a deep dive, I suggest reading my posts starting from around the time I joined a year ago through February of this year, when we separated.
My experience was that my wife's BPD behaviors began to ramp up when life circumstances created greater stress (job losses, interstate moves, financial problems, etc.). Blame for all of her negative feelings was projected on me. I eventually began to push back, as you did, by refusing to take blame for things I wasn't responsible for and asserting boundaries against violence and abuse. When I closed off the venue of using me as a dumping group for her negativity, that caused her rage to increase even more, leading to some domestic violence, 911 calls, and eventually separation.
From the "Staying" perspective, I would give you three pieces of advice. I'm not saying that any of these will lead to repairing your relationship, but they seem to be the best options considering where you are now.
1) Get her into aggressive therapy. Medication to manage rage and depression; DBT or other personality-disorder focused behavioral therapy. She has to be willing to do this and willing to acknowledge that she is responsible for her own problems in order for these to be at all effective.
2) Call 911 when you are in a domestic violence situation, including blocking or chasing behaviors. For me, calling 911 was a big step. It was not something I had done before. I was concerned that my situation was too trivial to merit a 911 call (nobody was being murdered, after all), and that it meant I was escalating the situation. The police saw it differently. They were appreciative that I had called and felt that it was an important tool for de-escalating domestic situations before they become worse. This may also force your wife to moderate her behaviors due to the consequences and can create a paper trail you may need later.
3) Formally separate. It sounds like you are heading in that direction by staying out of the house and trying to draw up rules for when you'll see the kids. This is a smart way to stop the violence -- she can't throw things at you if you aren't around. It can reduce the temperature with an enforced time out and perhaps allow for slow, cautious negotiation toward a relationship repair. it also begins to lay the groundwork for permanent separation, if that's the direction you end up taking.
I'll finish with quoting one of your earlier posts in this thread:
I can't tolerate this in my home and I don't want to break up my family.
These are two separate and worthy goals, Stresseddoc. However, they may be mutually incompatible. You may have to decide which of these two goals will be your priority, if you can only have one.
