I feel so stupid

[I_am_Stacey]

First of all I’m sorry if my english isn’t always correct. I’m from the Netherlands and have been reading this board for a while now and it’s been a real eyeopener. So I thought I’d give it a go myself.

In december I was going trough a divorce with my nonBPDexH, when I started talking to a coworker. He just swept me off my feet. And while I saw some red flags (agressive with his ex, talking about moving in together like in 2 weeks, nothing was ever his fault) I fell hard. He was seperated from his wife and living with his mum.

He went out of his way to get me. It is not allowed in our department to date coworkers so everything was a secret. In  march I got transferred to a different department but we still kept it a secret because of our divorces. He even introduced me to his mum and I stayed over there a couple of times. Way too fast I know, but I was blind. He actually told me he was diagnosed with BPD with Anti-social traits. I didn’t know what it was, didn’t look it up, just blew it in the wind.

Then after 3 months he became distand after filing for divorce from his ex-wife. And just 2 days after saying I was the love of his life, he said he had doubts. I asked too much from him, had too many expectations, he didn’t know if he wanted to go through with his divorce. I told him to go figure it out but not with me waiting. I said he didn’t want to leave me and got angry. The following few weeks we had very little contact. Then got into an argument over text, because he refused to talk to me in person or on the phone and I went NC. Not because I knew what it was, but because I was so angry for what he did.

I just didn’t understand what hit me and was devestated. Ofcourse he didn’t contact me. After 6 weeks NC I heared I was being transferred back to his department. Still clueless about BPD I sent him a text that we might run in to eachother again and I felt sorry for the way it ended. Got a short reply. So I was back at work and he would avoid me. Because we’re colleages, whenever I’d run in to him I’d just said ‘Hi’. I heard he had a new girl and about 2 weeks after that he Facetimed me. I didn’t answer and sent a text saying “this must be a mistake”. Got a short sorry-reply. Then he started hanging in my office which I share with coworkers. And at the end of august he sent me a text to say he was sorry. I told him to tell me that to my face, but since we are coworkers we could just be civil to eachother. Then he started texting me from time to time and asked me to be friends. Never gotten the apology ofcourse and the closure. He stated very clearly that he just wants to be friends and nothing more and that he was affraid that I would still want to be romanticly involved with him. I told him not to worry since he treated me so disrespectfully.

The fact is, he is oversteppng my bounderies from time to time. No, I let him do that and I don’t know how to stop. We’re not friends and I don’t want to. I know now, since I started reading everything on here, that he’s troubled and it’s not about me. It’s about him. But we’re hanging out at work from time to time. I talk to him from time tot time. It’s still some sort of addiction. Now he has a new girl again and I just don’t want to hear about it. I see the cycles though. I see it in the wway he acts and looks. Since no-one knows at work  it’s difficult. And I don’t want to make him mad because I could lose my job over this. I’ve been so stupid! I feel like a fool. How could I have believed everything he said?

I stopped texting (well he hasn't been texting me) but I have to keep some sort of contact because of work. I don’t know how to do this? I mean when he asks me for lunch or something: that is never with just him but always with other people there. Since we never talk about what happened between us. I just want to set my bounderies but also be nice and civil. I need to detach more but with the work situation I don’t know how. I’m lost. I’ve been so sad and now I was on the right track I have to see him again everyday. I’m really looking in myself what this all says about me: and I always let people overstep my bounderies. Working on that.
 
He’s always communicating through texts. Like texting all day but not in person. Is this common for pwBPD?   

Sorry for the long post… It helps to write it all down.
XOXO

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi I am Stacey-

I'm sorry you're going through that, it is painful and challenging, although it's also an opportunity yes?

Sorry for the long post… It helps to write it all down.

No worries, and you're right, it is cathartic to type it all out, to tell us your story.

He’s always communicating through texts. Like texting all day but not in person. Is this common for pwBPD?

Yes, borderlines like texting because it's a way to retain an emotional attachment at somewhat of a distance, disconnected in a sense, so it's less triggering.

I stopped texting (well he hasn't been texting me) but I have to keep some sort of contact because of work. I don’t know how to do this? I mean when he asks me for lunch or something: that is never with just him but always with other people there. Since we never talk about what happened between us. I just want to set my bounderies but also be nice and civil. I need to detach more but with the work situation I don’t know how. I’m lost. I’ve been so sad and now I was on the right track I have to see him again everyday. I’m really looking in myself what this all says about me: and I always let people overstep my bounderies. Working on that.

It is challenging when we're trying to detach yet we have to see our ex every day.  It's possible though, an opportunity, as you say, to set some boundaries, practice setting them, and in a business environment it can be simple: do things and communicate in work issues, don't do any personal activities, like lunch together.  That can be really good practice for separating your work and personal life too, and that boundary-setting practice in a somewhat controlled environment will have benefits in other areas too.  So what can you do right away to move in that direction?

[I_am_Stacey]

Thank you for replying and support. I didn't even write the whole story down, it's been such a mess.

I find it so hard to say no to him. Like today when he asks me to go for a smoke. I know that he is not good for me but somewhere deep don I can't believe that this person who wanted to be with me so bad and it felt so intense, that it was just a joke. I know I'm better than this but sometimes, like today, when I hear about the next girl and how happy he is, I don't think I can do this. I just want to run and hide.

Your advice on setting boundaries is great, thank you! Will start on that on monday. Why do I always have to be nice to everyone? This is about me and I have to keep that in mind. Will this feelings ever end?

[fromheeltoheal]

I find it so hard to say no to him. Like today when he asks me to go for a smoke. I know that he is not good for me but somewhere deep don I can't believe that this person who wanted to be with me so bad and it felt so intense, that it was just a joke.

If he exhibits traits of the disorder it wasn't a joke, it was all the way real for him, until it wasn't; relationships with borderlines are inherently unstable, although borderlines hate to lose attachments too, regardless of what happened, which is where the smoke invitation comes from.

Your advice on setting boundaries is great, thank you! Will start on that on monday. Why do I always have to be nice to everyone? This is about me and I have to keep that in mind. Will this feelings ever end?

Are you nice to everyone out of fear?  Being nice to people is a good thing, except when we're being nice because we're afraid to be something else.  What will it mean if you speak your mind, not to be "un-nice" but to be who you are?

And yes, the feelings end, or more accurately, change, and the way out is to feel all the way through them, the only way out if through.  But first, gotta stop the bleeding, which starts with boundaries yes?

[tammym1972]

I sure can relate to those red flags! My exBPDbf had all of those. It is so easy to be drawn in by them. Not stupid at all!

[I_am_Stacey]

I sure can relate to those red flags! My exBPDbf had all of those. It is so easy to be drawn in by them. Not stupid at all!

Thank you... .it's so helpfull to know I'm not alone. I was just looking for love. And there he was, saying all the right things, so I just didn't pay attention to my gut feeling. Like when he never made eyecontact: always looking away when we talked, even in the bedroom, always eyes closed, I remember thinking 'Why isn't he looking at me?'. Is that common for pwBPD?

And his ex, first hated her then deffinately brought her 'back' for some triangulation. Suddenly they were friends. How insecure he made me. And my words got twisted all the time. And the sudden disgard, out of the blue. Never been so confused.

Now I feel stupid that after very few contact we started talking again and I quess I hoped of some closure or that he would at least aknowledge me and say 'look, what I did was wrong, and give my some sort of reason'. Ofcourse, I'm still waiting. Only after reading everything on here I started to understand a little.

Well, day 2 of NC (besides work stuff) is almost over and I kept my boundaries, so I'm moving forward. Feeling a little less stupid, thank you! Going into day 3 and counting!

XOXO

[Herodias]

Gosh, some of your story sounds like what my ex did with his co-workers. He would tell them we were not getting along and who knows what else. He had several affairs with at least 6 women from work, that I know of. I also know his company had the same rules about working in the same department. He and one of the women (who is now his baby momma) were separated and written up. She sent him an email about him ignoring her and she didn't like it. I saw it when he was in rehab. They got back together, all the while he was with other women I found out about. It's really complicated, but I will tell you to distance yourself. You already know you are not the only one. It will not end with you. I wouldn't even be friends with someone who is doing all of that cheating. I would be cordial as to not upset him, because he could get you fired. My ex did that to allot of people. He was written up for bullying people. Just start to be boring. They call it gray rock, where you act as boring as a gray rock in the road. Be too busy to go smoke with him... .you are only asking for trouble if you continue. Be glad you have figured this out now, before it's too late. Like my ex getting his current gf pregnant. It's too easy to get sucked in and your mind gets all confused. Keep your head straight, know your boundaries. Try not to ave any drama at work. He will leave you alone if you do not take the bait.  If he is BPD/ ASP as I believe my ex is... .they don't care about who they hurt... .not like someone who is just BPD. Good luck.

[tammym1972]

I sure can relate to those red flags! My exBPDbf had all of those. It is so easy to be drawn in by them. Not stupid at all!

Thank you... .it's so helpfull to know I'm not alone. I was just looking for love. And there he was, saying all the right things, so I just didn't pay attention to my gut feeling. Like when he never made eyecontact: always looking away when we talked, even in the bedroom, always eyes closed, I remember thinking 'Why isn't he looking at me?'. Is that common for pwBPD?

And his ex, first hated her then deffinately brought her 'back' for some triangulation. Suddenly they were friends. How insecure he made me. And my words got twisted all the time. And the sudden disgard, out of the blue. Never been so confused.

Now I feel stupid that after very few contact we started talking again and I quess I hoped of some closure or that he would at least aknowledge me and say 'look, what I did was wrong, and give my some sort of reason'. Ofcourse, I'm still waiting. Only after reading everything on here I started to understand a little.

Well, day 2 of NC (besides work stuff) is almost over and I kept my boundaries, so I'm moving forward. Feeling a little less stupid, thank you! Going into day 3 and counting!

XOXO

Mine did the same thing with his ex. she was the devil himself at the beginning of the relationship but by the end he was talking about how she got him like I never would. How great she was in bed etc.

[I_am_Stacey]

I would be cordial as to not upset him, because he could get you fired.

That's what I'm sometimes very worried about. I keep thinking 'He's not that stupid' but then again, I was VERY WRONG before about him, wasn't I?

He will leave you alone if you do not take the bait.  If he is BPD/ ASP as I believe my ex is... .they don't care about who they hurt... .not like someone who is just BPD. Good luck. 

He's BPD/ ASP: he told me. I sometimes find it difficult to understand what that means? I see the BPD very clearly! I haven't experienced the "He doesn't care who he hurts' personally, he kept saying how it was difficult for him too, but then again, he just disgarded me like that. Even now he has expressed how he values me? That he has something with me. Push/ pull huh?

[I_am_Stacey]

Mine did the same thing with his ex. she was the devil himself at the beginning of the relationship but by the end he was talking about how she got him like I never would. How great she was in bed etc.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I know how hard it can be. Thank you for your reply. It really helps to know we're not alone!

XOXO

[Herodias]

"He's BPD/ ASP: he told me. I sometimes find it difficult to understand what that means? I see the BPD very clearly! I haven't experienced the "He doesn't care who he hurts' personally, he kept saying how it was difficult for him too, but then again, he just disgarded me like that. Even now he has expressed how he values me? That he has something with me. Push/ pull huh?"

I know, I try and wrap my head around it too. All I can guess is that they have very intense feelings... .for themselves. They can flit in and out of peoples lives with out much care.  Only caring what they can do for the pwBPD/ASD.  Mine told me things were difficult for him too, I don't believe it's meant in the same way we think. Think about how many ways that can be meant... .just that statement. It could be because they don't want to have to move, they don't want to have to find someone else, they don't want to have to take care of themselves... .what ever the circumstances are for them. Do you get my drift? You almost have to step out of your own comfort zone and think differently and you may still not understand completely. We are people with feelings for others, they take advantage of that. We think they think like we do. They do not.  We tend to project our feelings onto them. I have been able to read into what my ex means when he says things much easier when I take a conscience out of the statements. It sounds cold, but it is what it is. BPD and ASD seem like two totally different things, so how can they be both? This was the only way I can see it combined. Intense feelings for oneself. If anyone can tell us otherwise, please do. You ask is it push/pull... .precisely. He is keeping you hooked with these statements... .that way he can come back if he wants to. Be very careful. They are really sneaky. Set up your boundaries! Do not let anyone cross them. Be very careful. You have been told what he is... .that is amazing. He is trying to scare you off. Most of them do not tell, because they do not want to be found out. They run when you do figure it out. Take that news very seriously.

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi Herodias,

I know, I try and wrap my head around it too. All I can guess is that they have very intense feelings... .for themselves. They can flit in and out of peoples lives with out much care.  Only caring what they can do for the pwBPD/ASD.  

It seems such a 'not logical' combination, doens't it? But then again, nothing is logical in this world. Your post really cleared things for me: "Intense feelings for themselves", that makes a lot of sense. thinking back that makes all the sense in the world.

I have been able to read into what my ex means when he says things much easier when I take a conscience out of the statements. It sounds cold, but it is what it is. BPD and ASD seem like two totally different things, so how can they be both? This was the only way I can see it combined. Intense feelings for oneself.

I'm just starting to see it it now. A huge thank you!
I'm talking to this guy: we're just friends. He's a coworker of me and my exBPD. Now the relationship between me and my exBPD/ ASD was a secret because of work but I found out through this guyfriend that he has told him about it. Why? just because he doens't like me talking to some other guy. He doens't want to be with me, but he doens't want me to move on either. My BPd/ASDex keeps showing up on my lunchbreak/ coffeebreak now. What a coincidence!

If anyone can tell us otherwise, please do.

Anyone?

You ask is it push/pull... .precisely. He is keeping you hooked with these statements... .that way he can come back if he wants to. Be very careful. They are really sneaky. Set up your boundaries! Do not let anyone cross them. Be very careful. You have been told what he is... .that is amazing. He is trying to scare you off. Most of them do not tell, because they do not want to be found out. They run when you do figure it out. Take that news very seriously.

What do you mean by "he's trying to scare you off"? I see now that he'll do anything that benefits him. because of the work thing I'm a bit worried as I can loose my job over this. But than again so can he. Sometimes I can't wrap my head around it how stupid I was sticking around even when he told me. thank God I've been so smart to keep everything: texts, emails etc.
It's difficult at work as I don't want to piss him off with the boundaries thing but i think I'm doing a good job.

XOXO
 

[Herodias]

I suppose I meant the push/pull... .they will test you to see how much you will take. If you don't play, you won't pay. I heard a couple really good quotes on pw personality disorders... .one is "It's not that they don't see, it's that they disagree" and " It's not that they are not aware, it's that they don't care"... .that is from Dr. George Simon who wrote " In Sheep's Clothing." He is an expert on manipulation. I find his writing very helpful. Glad you are handling things well... .

[I_am_Stacey]

that is from Dr. George Simon who wrote " In Sheep's Clothing."

Funny, my BPDex used to call himself that, I'm in sheeps clothing. He also always said how he's a kameleon. He even took pride in misleading people. Talking about red flags huh?

I suppose I meant the push/pull... .they will test you to see how much you will take. If you don't play, you won't pay.

Yes I know. Sometimes it's hard. He's been popping up everywhere at work the past week. But I'll manage. I just start to see things so clearly now. I'm just over 6 months out and I'm feeling really good about myself. I know he's not going to change. No matter how much I love him. I just have to let him be. It's sad really. He can also be such an amazing guy... .What we had is lost forever. I just wish him well.

XOXO

[apollotech]

Like when he never made eyecontact: always looking away when we talked, even in the bedroom, always eyes closed, I remember thinking 'Why isn't he looking at me?'. Is that common for pwBPD?

Hi Stacey,

Yes, that too ^^^ is part of the BPD "avoid emotional attachment" playbook. It goes right along with him texting you rather than conversing with you personally. It's Engulfment avoidance. My ex would do the same thing. She was one person while texting, but a completely different person when we were together.

[I_am_Stacey]

Yes, that too ^^^ is part of the BPD "avoid emotional attachment" playbook. It goes right along with him texting you rather than conversing with you personally. It's Engulfment avoidance. My ex would do the same thing. She was one person while texting, but a completely different person when we were together.

I know right. Over texts we'd talking about anything and then in person he'd totally shut down. But always telling me 'he felt like he could talk to me about anything'. Now I learned: Actions speak louder than words!