Calm before the storm?

[Lockjaw]

I could sense it last night. She had a stressful day, her special needs son was running a temp, which causes him to have seizures. She had to keep him at home since school is out, and he runs her ragged. I wish she would work on that some, but her ex and her parents basically do what he tells them to do, so... .anyway. I have tried to suggest to her that he will make her miserable when he gets to be an adult, and he will run your life.

She says last night, something is wrong with you (me). I said no there isn't, why do you say that? She says, you are to quiet. I said you are having a rough day, so I thought just listening to you and being quiet and not saying much would be a better thing for me to do. She said I was making her uncomfortable in her home. So I asked, "do you want me to go home"? I said, I know you are tired and I have to get up early to be at the doc's office. She said no, its cold out and late.

Of course what I wanted to say is "if I talk, you will find something I said you don't like and start fussing", but I wisely didn't go there.

So this am, I said, I will call  you on the way to work, she says, don't bother, we don't have anything to talk about. So I said ok. If we were fighting, this would be something she would complain about.

I know its wishful thinking, but i wish she could see that if she is going to critique everything I say, then I don't like to talk. Its not fun for me. I am more guarded now. I know she can sense it.

I guess we will see what today brings. She is off work the rest of the week, so I am sure she will get bored and start doing stuff in her house. Then want me to help when I get off work, which I did last night.

[isilme]

It's just one day at a time.  Everyone has to live like that, BPD or not.  We have to take the good days, and the indifferent days, and cherish them over the rage days.  H has been on edge - he's tired, recently in physical therapy but the cold weather is making it hard to tell how much it's helping his pain, I think he's fighting coming down with a cold, and overall depressed from the season change and exhausted from just the idea of how much travel is ahead of us this weekend, and the hope/dread about seeing his family.  Last night, I tried to make it clear I was there to help him, to do what I could to complete a project for him, and though he felt awful, and was far from happy, he also did not disintegrate into anger and a "mini-rage" like he has done since Saturday.  So while it was not a "good" night... .it was a better night than the last few previous and that is much appreciated for now.

Yes, sometimes it's necessary to just keep quiet.  And yes, it will get noticed as it changes the unbalanced emotional dynamic.  There are times when I feel H wasnt to pick a fight, so he can bleed off his feelings onto me, all while blaming me for them... .and if I am able to not argue back, it galls him.  I've actaully been yelled at before for being "too calm".  So, you win some, you lose some.

Any time you can tell itd be so easy for her to flip out, and she does not - mark that as a success for you both. 

[Lockjaw]

I am not looking forward to holidays either. I did a couple years for a now bankrupt retailer, and they worked us (management) like dogs from the day after Thanksgiving to a couple days after Xmas. We had a 6 day work week too. So by the time Xmas got here, I was to exhausted to care. And for some reason, I guess my ADD, dates just sneak up on me.

My parents are coming over to get my kids. I bought a much smaller house, so there really isn't room for them in it. So they stay in a motel. I said they could stay in one of the kids rooms, if my mom promised not to clean, so they elected a motel room. She is OCD about cleaning. It drives me crazy, and she will bring all this cleaning stuff in and I don't have space for it. I haven't bought any since I moved into the house, a year and a half ago.

I think she thinks we need to talk all the time. And she says she is a "problem solver" so she is always looking for a problem I have that needs to be solved, and these tend to lead to arguments, because I feel she oversteps. And its the way she says things. She doesn't see that though.

And I think she has expectations, but doesn't say what they are. I have said I need to know these things, it would solve a lot of our issues, but she doesn't want to give me anything that I can hold her feet to the fire, so to speak over.

She didn't like it last night that I referred to one of my ex wife's as wifey, when I was talking about a period of time years ago. So that means I am not over her. Please. This is what happens to me though. Everything I say is scrutinized, and something most people wouldn't think anything about, she does.

She says we are just talking, I say, no you are fussing. No one enjoys having someone scrutinize everything they say, and look for ways to make things look like they are totally different than they are.

So most of the time I just let them go. No point trying to convince her. She believes what she believes.