A list of my core needs that she met

[beggarsblanket]

Here is a list of core needs that my BPD ex met in me: "conversation, playfulness, affection, adventure, emotional closeness, mutual encouragement, care, companionship, moral inspiration, personal identity, meaning, and purpose." I wrote the list in May, when she and I were falling apart and I was struggling to understand the relationship.

Not only did she completely satisfy all of these needs. She also awoke needs that I scarcely knew I had until I met her. The need for playfulness stands out here.

I shared some of the list with her at the time. She was really bothered by the fact that she had touched my identity. That's when she started talking about enmeshment and also when she admitted to going through the same process with over 30 other men.

Looking through other writing of mine from this time, it's uncanny how much of the BPD relationship dynamic I singled out even without knowing anything about BPD.

[patientandclear]

That's fascinating. What did she say about going through the process with 30 other men?

[beggarsblanket]

That's fascinating. What did she say about going through the process with 30 other men?

Hi patientandclear. She didn't dwell on it. I expressed doubt at her assessment. She said, "It's funny how skeptics of codependency end up in codependent relationships."

What's really funny is that I have had only one romantic relationship in my adult life, which ended nine years ago, whereas my BPD ex has consciously gone through the process many times. She noticed the pattern long before I did, but she mentioned it only after things between us were breaking down.

I am 40 years old. When my BPD ex came into my life, I had been trying for a year to form a close relationship, for only the second time in my life. I have trouble with basic communication skills in a dating context. I have trouble believing that a woman could even be interested in me. For her to hit me with the accusation that I am codependent left me confused and frustrated. I felt like I was carrying all of the weight of the relationship.

Looking back on it now, I am just angry. She had early opportunities to recognize and comment on patterns that I could not have recognized, but she spoke up only when it was too late. I trusted her with my naivety, and she couldn't deliver.

[patientandclear]

I hear you. My ex similarly concealed from me that he had this long pattern until it was too late. I naively believed I was special and different because of the deep bond, similar to what you describe. He brought many qualities into my life that I long for and hadn't even realized I long for.

Only later did I come to terms with the fact that he forms those bonds easily. And often. I'm 50 and have felt that and shared at that level with 3-4 men in my life. He has a list of 30 or so too. Not that he has admitted that to me--others who knew more shared the details with me after we split.

What was so special to me and still haunts me because it was so unusual, was just not that unusual to him. It happens to him almost whenever he wants it to.

He used to say I was naive. When I asked why, he explained it was because I believed the best about him. I think he was responding to how I continued to act as though we had this unique trust and connection, and he knew very well I was wrong about that, at least, about the uniqueness. My ex has broken the hearts of many women; and I mean, the kind of devastation that happens when you lose your deepest love. That's only possible if he's running a virtual machine cranking out the kind of feelings you describe. I know this factually but still struggle emotionally with the implications and whether it is possible.

I'm still proud of how I loved him. That was real (as were the feelings you listed for your ex). But what he was doing on the other side was so routine for him that it was not the same thing.

I suspect what she was trying to tell you, with the comment about co-dependency, however inartfully, was: believe me. This isn't what it seemed. She seems to have given you a little slice of honesty and truth.

This stuff is very sobering and hard.

[anothercasualty]

I'm still proud of how I loved him. That was real (as were the feelings you listed for your ex). But what he was doing on the other side was so routine for him that it was not the same thing.

I can echo the sentiment of being proud how I loved my ex-gf. The good issues she brought to the relationship were still good, but the bad outweighed the ability or desire to stay in the relationship. I loved her (and still do) very much and left the relationship stating very plainly how much I loved her. If only love were enough... .