NC Means She May Never Read This, But...

This whole time, I’ve struggled, because I put a lot of emotional pressure on how you felt during our relationship. What I’m beginning to realize is, it doesn’t matter. I can speculate for the rest of my life but it does me no good. When I look back, a very positive element comes to the forefront. I loved you. I was warm with you and secured you as best I could. I showed you true emotional intimacy. I was forgiving. Patient. I was everything I had never been with another person before I met you.

My guess is, you never really loved me. Through all of our amazing adventures and times together, I believe that your view of love is simply not aligned with mine. My feeling is a sustainable and mature respect for another person, including their weaknesses. It is ultimately understanding and it has the patience of a saint. These things were never reciprocated to me. This time in my life is now part of the bigger picture, it’s part of the process of becoming wiser and more aware of myself. I’m finally becoming OK with that. I loved you. That’s not a source of devastation so much anymore. It is hopeful. It is wonderful and full of beauty. It isn’t me that abandoned you. I did my best. Someone out there in this magnificent world will recognize me as the empathetic and sensitive, smart and charismatic guy that I am. They will love me back this time. I no longer fear if I can love. I can. I did. Through impossible emotional storms and ultimate betrayal, I loved. Thoroughly and passionately. I made memories that seem to glisten in sepia tone filter as I recall them. They seem to be more rich and meaningful than those I made prior to loving. I have laid the groundwork for the rest of my life.

My sincere hope is that the purity of what I felt has helped you better understand that you can become a person deserving of this level of beautiful respect and admiration. Right now, you are not deserving. What you did is unspeakable, cruel. Abusive. You moved on my birthday and left me, a person who truly loved you, to pick up the pieces of their life which you brazenly obliterated to suit your feeble needs. But I will no longer define myself by that. What I can say is that I LOVED another person. How you handled it was on you, and maybe one day down the line you’ll realize just how painful these lies and betrayals really are. I hope not. I would wish the feeling on nobody. But who knows the twists your life will take?

I hope the love I demonstrated, though abused, helped you paint yourself in a more positive light. It was sincere. As sincere as any poem I’ve written, song I’ve sung…there was truth in it. Just because I didn’t get truth in return, it doesn’t take away from the validity of my feelings and memories. And so I grow. I become stronger. I can love even more deeply. I can love myself. I hope that my being in your life has allowed you those same opportunities, even at my expense.



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