Hi Moonrising,
Seeing offense everywhere and tolerating abuse is pretty common here I'm sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site.
Does your husband go through tender cycles where things seem almost normal?
What are the conflicts usually about?
LnL
Hi, thanks for your reply. Yes he does go through cycles. One minute I am amazing, wonderful, beautiful, he is so lucky to have me, he can't believe he is with someone like me etc etc. next minute I am a selfish cow, bad mother, incapable of being nice, don't care about the children, need locking up in a mental hospital, want to control everything... .well all the usual sort of stuff. Other times things are quieter and more normal but I always feel on edge then because if he's not idealising me then I know trouble is coming.
Conflicts can be about anything, either he is upset because he thinks I am criticising or attacking him, or he is freaking out because I am not agreeing to what he wants. A lot of the time it's both. He wants something a certain way, I dare to query it or say I'm not sure and explain what I think... .suddenly I am the spawn of satan and within 10 mins he is yelling at me about what a terrible person I am. It hurts so much and he insists he is right about me, and paints himself as perfect and faultless. Discussion ends like this and then with me saying "Ok I give up, do what you want" so he is getting rewarded for his behaviour. I'm not sure what to do about that as it seems I am quite powerless.
Every time I tell him how much his accusations, insults and blaming hurt me, he says "If I say something about you that's not true, just correct me and it'll be fine", he will say that within 10 seconds of screaming at me about some horrible thing he thinks I've done and then point blank saying he doesn't believe me when I deny it. Everything gets paraphrased or twisted out of all recognition or what he feels like I had said or what would justify his reaction suddenly becomes the truth. Sometimes I convince him to admit I didn't say or do the thing but then he will say he knows I was thinking it. If I deny that he says that I need to go away and look at myself and I'll see he's right.
A lot of projection goes on as well. The most blatant is that for a few months he was adamant I was not allowed to talk to other men, if I got a job it had to be one where I didn't need to go anywhere with men, if I worked in an office and a male colleague asked if I wanted to go to the canteen with him I'd have to say no etc etc. Shortly, I found out he was having an emotional affair (how he painted it) or rather obsessive crush on a work colleague. He admitted it and actually had counselling which helped a bit but he's reverted to some extent and things are still pretty tough, extremely tough at times. One night last week for example, he shouted at me until 4am because at 1.30 he said he felt sick and then he apparently misheard me and thought I said I was glad he felt sick. It is hard to fathom how he could possibly think I would say something like that. And why would he wants to stay with me if he thinks I regularly do that? He says I abuse and mistreat him every day and let him down all the time, but he loves me. He says he chooses to put up with me because it's not just about him. Like it is a favour to me even though I have told him I never wanted to be "put up with" and when I have suggested us splitting since we are both unhappy, he says he is happy with me, we have no problems, he doesn't know what I am talking about, he's not going to destroy our family because of my whim and if I want to go I can go but I will have to leave the kids here with him and he won't give me a penny unless forced to by a court.
I have chronic fatigue and we have 3 kids at home so it is very hard to deal with how draining all this is. I think our kids deserve better than so much of my energy and brain power going into arguments/ rages and eggshell treading etc. And reading books and the internet trying to find answers, quite honestly! But if I can really make changes it'll be worth it!
I am so ready to step off that rollercoaster. I just reread Stop Walking on Eggshells and then came here
. I do love him and it is easy to see the good parts of him, the man I fell in love with. But it is Jekyll and Hyde and Hyde hurts me so much I sometimes don't know how I can bear one more minute with him. I used to respect him, even look up to him in some ways, but that was because of his front- of being so strong and capable, confident and untouchable. None of it was true. He's like a wounded little boy. He is a wounded little boy. That scares me. I am financially dependent on, and raising children with, a wounded little boy.
