How to deal with the isolation & loneliness

[ANewPlace30]

I have an uBPD wife who has made it difficult for me to have friends - most of whom are female because of my job, and the person that I am. Those that I do still keep in contact with know how difficult she is and don't like to reach out in case it makes life difficult for me.

When we have an argument I feel the need for a vent - but I know the advice my friends would give me (as it's the same advice I'd give them!)

My family have already been involved in the past when I've previously left her and it just caused huge problems later down the line.

It leaves me feeling really trapped sometimes as I have no one to check reality with? Does that make sense? I want to know if my view point was valid and if it's yet another bonkers BPD argument that I allowed myself to get drawn in to or if it's just one of those typical husband/wife arguments that isn't really related to her BPD. It becomes far more challenging as the years go by to work this out.

I feel I lie to partner constantly to deescalate her dramas because she can't handle the truth, but there's no one I can tell the truth too. I'm finding the isolation is making it difficult for me to grasp hold of reality... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Feeling bonkers happens when living with someone who creates her reality out of her feelings (feelings = facts). People with BPD tend to see reality through the prism of their feelings, which is different than how non-BPD people see the world.

What is true are her feelings, it's often her thoughts and actions that are the distortions.

The skills we try to practice here are designed to validate her feelings without contributing to the distortions.

What is an example of how things go with her? Maybe we can help you pinpoint some places to communicate in ways that can help.

[Lockjaw]

I know how it feels too. I am introverted and don't make friends well. Only place I feel like I have people to talk to besides work is the hunting club. I can't tell you how many times I have been trying to get back here, and got to chatting with some of the guys out there, and was late.

And that never goes well.

For me and her.

[ANewPlace30]

I'm usually quite good at the validating when the problem is her work, or another family member, but when she's on the attack for me - i get caught out. I fall straight into the JADE trap before getting angry and run off before I do or say something I'll regret later. I'm a nice person - I always try to be the best person I can be. I'm not an a-hole. I *hate* being painted as one.

Her current favourite is not telling me something she would like me to do, using this as a test. I obviously fail as I didn't realise she wanted me to do this. Then in her mind I'm a **** because I haven't met her (emotional) needs. It's "obvious" that's what she wanted me to do. This is an argument that can't be won, I know this. Yet I still keep trying across many different variations of the same argument.

At the weekend it was I wasn't asking her enough questions about the upcoming week. Tonight was I didn't attend a medical appointment with her, despite me being at work.

[storagecold]

Does your uBPDw have any friends? I'd be willing to bet she doesn't.

I have friends going back to my early childhood who I still stay in touch with, but most of my "modern" friends and business associates have figured out that uBPDw doesn't want anything to do with them just by the fact that she never goes anywhere with me. She hates all of them anyway (keep in mind, some of these people she's never met).

What has helped me over the years is to be upfront about the friendships I have, and put her in situations where she is forced to meet my friends (like having them come to our home). Of course, she will not be rude to anyone she doesn't know.

[livednlearned]

With my BPD loved one, I had an epiphany when I thought about the chronic, subconscious testing as tests about my own self-respect, and not necessarily tests about my love, if that makes sense.

Validation helps to prevent things from getting worse. No one likes a fight, and her inner turmoil is not easy to control, so when it starts to wind up, you use validation to prevent emotional arousal.

However, the constant testing is a little different, in my experience. This is an opportunity for you to take a beat and ask yourself if you are confident in this moment. You need to be. She needs you to be. She can't provide that on her own, so it's on you to communicate that, despite her neediness and distrust, you are emotionally taking care of yourself.

She externalizes her emotions, which means she is reading you to figure out what's going on in her own experience, and that's crazy-making. Her emotions are separate, her inner turmoil is her own.

Drawing the line in those moments can help you build confidence, and this is what she desperately needs.

If your boundaries have been weakened over time, there will be a rough patch as you try to right the ship. There are some communication skills (validation is one, there is also SET -- support, empathy, truth) that can make this a little less rough. You can also learn to say, "I need to think before I respond too quickly." Or, "I'm going to take 5 minutes to collect my thoughts. Then I can talk about this again." Or, "I'm going to walk around the block and come straight back to hear you out. Right now, I'm flooded and need to clear my head."

Buy yourself time if you need. Taking care of yourself is a way to communicate self-respect and confidence, which is essential to sustaining these relationships.

LnL





 

[Lockjaw]

I get caught too. When the attack is personal, then my defenses go up. If I am not there in front of her, then I can ask questions, like what are you really upset about? That way I can try to get to what her issue is.

It's hard when you have someone snapping and popping off at you to not try to argue. I hate arguing, and I have learned arguing with a BPD is what they like. I have won a couple with my GF, but I have to stay after her and wear her down. It takes days, and its exhausting for me. So now, I just try to get out of the situation. She won't see it through my eyes, not matter how much I try to get her to. She isn't capable.

It's easier for me since I am not married to her. I can stay at my house, she can stay at hers. Last night I watched some TV, and then set up my reloader and loaded ammo. I find that satisfying. I can go hunting, or during the offseason I just pull my ATV out to the hunting club and ride for a while. Or I go out there and shoot for a little bit. Or I put together an AR15 or something. Sadly that is an expensive break. 

She is learning that I when I get tired of her bickering and baiting, and say, I am taking a break, that I mean it. And I have really had to try to not get sucked into being ugly. It's hard, its frustrating, and there are times I want her to feel the wrath, if you know what I mean. But it doesn't help. And then I feel bad for being ugly.

I try to remember she can't really help it, but that doesn't always soothe me.

[Psycho_magnet]

I feel exactly the same way... .I'm also super introverted,  and it's hard for me to make friends in the first place... .add to that my boyfriend's jealously,  and it seems completely impossible.  Going into the relationship I didn't really have any friends,  having been away from my home city for a year, and was trying to meet new people (something with was actually a big step for me). I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I didn't have any friends to begin with... .for sure if they were make friends,  that wouldn't have flew at all... .but even if they were female, I feel like he would have found a reason to dislike them.

He does agree I should have friends, so basically he's been trying to think of people he knows who I could be friends with.  Who knows where that will go,  but yeah,  I feel very isolated and lonely having to deal with all of this stress and drama with no one to talk to about it.

[wishful545]

I too have a uBPD wife who has made it difficult to have friends. I have 2 kids so I continue to make efforts to avoid triggers to keep us together, but it happens. When she rages and I try to hold to setting limits it seems like fighting (arguing) goes on forever. But after that it takes longer each time to get triggered again. That's the hope that keeps me going. Since I have been reading about all this it seems to get better, albeit slowly.

It's been decades of this. I only recently found out about BPD while researching bipolarism, which was my first guess of her problem. I am contemplating going to therapy for myself but I don't know how to hide it from her. I hope you find answers here somewhere. I'm new to this site so I hope to find good advice also. I haven't had the trust in anyone to confide in about my life, that's why I like this place. Wishing you well.