Separation versus divorce

[Victim no longer]

My husband and I have been married 15 years with two children (age 9 and 11). I started setting boundaries over the last few months about no longer enduring emotional abuse. I have received counseling myself, but he refuses couple counseling. My therapist suggested that I read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and I also discovered "Walking on Eggshells," and "splitting... ." by Ms. Kreger.  When he discovered that I had been reading these books, he exploded and is furious that I have labeled him BPD.

He is now initiating a separation; he threatened divorce and then retracted that, saying it is not what he wants for us or our children. He blames me for poor communication throughout our marriage, claims I have lied to him and deceived him. My mind knows this is false, but my heart is broken and I wonder how much effort I need to put forward in trying to repair this relationship when he continues to blame and accept no responsibility.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rosesarered777]

Not sure if this helps at all but it might.

My wife assaulted me and left the same day this past summer. I spoke to her over Facebook 4 days later but she has since gone ahead and retained a lawyer after separating for 3~ months. She claims she will go for the divorce next year as soon as she can. In her draft of our agreement, she is threatening to pinpoint all court costs on me if I contest the divorce. Of course, this and other ridiculous demands in her version of the agreement will not be signed by me. Why would I let her remain unaccountable for her violent behaviour? This is very different than almost all the other BPD-divorce stories I have read on here. She is seemingly quite serious about the separation and divorce and has taken action, unlike so many of the other stories I have absorbed here. I have no doubt that she cannot afford court (neither can I, to be honest!) but do not wish to risk the chances of her going ahead with it. I really feel that she is completely out of touch with the future financial consequences from escalating things further into court when she already has a huge amount of crippling debts.

As it is, even before she hired a lawyer, I was aware that she would be struggling financially to afford rent and food, let alone any other expenditure. It seems "wild" to me to pursue divorce this early after separating (i.e. 2-3 months in). One could argue it is her desperate way of controlling me even though she has already blocked me from all forms of communication and it is very easy for me to can choose not to ever remain in contact from her. I suspect she realizes this much and is bluffing.

Thoughts anyone?