Been a while but things haven't been better :(

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Been a while since I posted here, been struggling but trying to get through it all, especially focusing on work but ... .

(Just a shameless link to reddit where I posted my recent struggles)

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5ia4qg/missing_my_universe/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5idxyg/mother_of_all_breadcrumbs/

I don't have the courage to type it all here again but I'm hoping to get some insights here too. Tomorrow I have to face her at a charity event run by her bosses in which I got involved with my project for those of you who remember I'm working on a project we started together for her bosses ... .

[ItsVal]

Been a while since I posted here, been struggling but trying to get through it all, especially focusing on work but ... .

(Just a shameless link to reddit where I posted my recent struggles)

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5ia4qg/missing_my_universe/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5idxyg/mother_of_all_breadcrumbs/

I don't have the courage to type it all here again but I'm hoping to get some insights here too. Tomorrow I have to face her at a charity event run by her bosses in which I got involved with my project for those of you who remember I'm working on a project we started together for her bosses ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi ItsVal-

I don't have the courage to type it all here again but I'm hoping to get some insights here too.

It's good that you have told parts of your story, telling it can be cathartic and we want to hear it.  And eventually it's not about the story, it's about how you're feeling right here, right now, and what you're going to make what's going on mean and what you're going to do about it.

So what's your plan for staying grounded tomorrow?

[ItsVal]

I have absolutely no clue as to how I will manage tomorrownight.

On the one hand I don't want to go and spend some time with the kid at my mom's place, but then I'd be in 'trouble' with the bosses and even worse she would be able to badmouth me even more than she allready did just for the fact I'm not there ... .I can actually see her using the fact I'm not there to use against me and 'proving' her accusations and lies about me with that single fact. Something along the lines : "See, he's not here, he knows he's guilty and is ashamed to even show up" On the other hand I don't want that to happen and I have been trying to get some people to tag along. Unfortunately I have become pretty isolated since the breakup (actually that happened gradually during the relationship) and was only able to get 2 people to agree to join me if I go. One is the SO of a friend of mine that is abroad, the other is a business acquitance that allready was going anyway.

I just want to be on good terms with the bosses and the people involved in the charity, since the future of the project and my financial future are so closely tied together. But I never thought my ex would hold up to her charitable personality. I have only know of one occasion she did something alike in the past ... .

I'm actually feeling sick thinking about what might happen when she for whatever reason might say/do/... .something towards me 

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want to be on good terms with the bosses and the people involved in the charity, since the future of the project and my financial future are so closely tied together.

So there's your focus ItsVal, and taking support with you is a good plan.  Part of detaching, maybe the biggest part, is taking our power back, and you can also use tomorrow night as an opportunity to see how you're doing with that, not to engage in a power struggle with her, you will likely lose, the disorder always wins, but to see how little you can let whatever she does affect you.  And if she does have an affect on your centeredness and grounding, see what you can learn from it.  Coming from that place, you can't lose yes?

[ItsVal]

Thx for the reply.

Actually we've been NC ever since octobre 26th, but I'm still strugling with it very much. I do miss her, I do miss us but I don't initiate any contact whatsoever. She does though, badmouthing, spreading rumours and lies, reaching out to my mom in such a confusing way, but she doesn't initiate direct contact either. I'm totally split black, I'm the worst guy in the world, pathologic, sick, criminal you name it ... .

Tomorrow will be the first time I see her in person since octobre 3rd and I'm having a really hard time even just thinking about it ... .

[ItsVal]

I'm so worked up right now, waiting on a message from my mom to see if I can see the kid before going to the charity. And off course the charity itself ... .

Wish me luck ... .hope I manage without breaking down completely ... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm so worked up right now, waiting on a message from my mom to see if I can see the kid before going to the charity. And off course the charity itself ... .

Wish me luck ... .hope I manage without breaking down completely ... .

Good luck ItsVal.  And really, we make our own luck.  If you focus on not breaking down completely, you'll be focused on whether you're breaking down or not, and if you focus on being grounded and centered, and how much of your own power you're taking back, and how everything is a teachable moment, how everything happens for us and not to us, then from that place whatever happens happens and it will help you, now or later.  I do wish the powerful you a great evening, especially with the bosses and the charity folks, since that is important for you, and that deserves your primary focus too yes?