Hi, Intro from new member looking for guidance

[trailwalker]

Hi,

I found this support discussion whilst researching traits of my mother. My goal is to learn more about why she does the terribly damaging and ultimately self-defeating things she does. I don't seek to change her. It is not up to me and anyway, I realize this would be coming from a rescuer role and not good. I realize part of my own pattern at times has been to try to "make her better" by giving her what she asks for (pleasing) despite the fact that she proves time and again that she is ultimately unpleasable - although on the rare occasion she will express momentary happiness, albeit short-lived.

My mother is in her mid-70s and I am in my early 50s. I am the eldest daughter of three and have a sister and brother. Each one of has our own story of woe in having had to survive and adapt growing up in our household. My mother is undiagnosed professionally, as according to her everyone else is sick and she is the only "smart and strong" one. My father shows some traits of Narcissism.

What I have come here for is to learn and get some guidance and support in properly interacting with my mom and to a lesser extent also my dad, although I have found just agreeing with him on most things seems to make for non-conflict laden relationship. My relationship with him is pretty superficial, but I have made my peace with that fact and that is all will ever be.

My mother, on the other hand is extremely high needs when it comes to emotional interactions. I live a fair distance from her, so my interactions are for the majority by phone with usually an annual or bi-annual visit. Even so, because of the drama she perpetuates, the interactions can be tense and stress-inducing for me, as they are for both of siblings.

As,we age ourselves and all have families and the normal other life things going on, including the odd normal stress, we are all, each in our way at our wits end and tired, just really tired of it. I do not wish to cut my mother out of my life. I had a period in my twenties when I was not in contact with her. I have also had periods of low contact. From my own experience neither solved my own demons and issues surrounding the fallout of having a mother who in my unprofessional opinion is probably suffering from BPD with delusions, paranoia, conspiracy theories, extreme push-pull tactics, vilifying, sudden out-of-the-blue rages and lashing out, threatening suicide, losing all of her money, etc.

She has lost, mainly by pushing them away with wild accusations every friend she had, many of them having stuck by her through turmoil after turmoil. I genuinely feel sorry for her. She seems to be her own worst enemy in this way. However, I am not making excuses for her. While I mourn the lack of a nurturant mother that I experienced in my life, and continue to feel, I am trying to come to terms with that as my reality and make the best of whatever kind of relationship I can have before she passes away, that does not perpetuate or play into what I feel is my mother's warped view of reality.

I guess I would say that tools, ways to talk, validate and not fall into traps is one thing I wish to learn.

Thanks for reading and nice to be here.

[drained1996]

 

Welcome to the family trailwalker!  You've found the right place for educating yourself and getting support while dealing with your person with BPD.  I too deal with a mother that probably suffers from BPD.  I applaud your knowledge on BPD, and how we might change our own reactions and communication to better navigate through the relationship.  To the right of this page you will see lessons and additional information that you may find of help.  Another thing I did that was very enlightening was to read through the other stories on the message board, I was shocked at how many situations were so eerily similar.  Seeing those posts and the subsequent responses by other members with guidance allowed me to implement a lot of what I read into my situation. 
The other really helpful thing was posting, I learned the more I posted the more response I got, thus the more education and support. 
We look forward being here for you and lending support and guidance in your process! 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Trailwalker, 

You do make some perceptive comments in your post. Such as  I don't seek to change her. We can only change our own behaviour. You should fit in well here. You also asked:

I guess I would say that tools, ways to talk, validate and not fall into traps is one thing I wish to learn.

Here are some "ways to talk" something for most occasions in this link:
Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Hope this helps. Thanks for sharing and feel free to post more. 

HC

[trailwalker]

Hi drained1996 Thanks for the welcome. I have been reading through the lessons and do find them very well written and clear as to what to do and what not to do. I have also read a few of the articles which has been helpful as well, particularly one written from a first-person account. It was healing to feel the same things the author has and know that the anguish has been perhaps not overcome, but worked through and able to be lived with in an acceptance of what is way. For me this ongoing trouble with my mom can be saddening.

I do have a question or two that has come up as far as the practical parts of implementing SET and not getting into the negative triangle. I am familiar with the triangle from years ago reading transactional analysis books. So, I feel somewhat equipped to notice when that is happening and not get pulled into it, even though sometimes the "bait" can get quite ramped up.

I will definitely start contributing when I find a way to put into words my own situation.

[trailwalker]

Hi HappyChappy,

Thanks for the kind words and welcome.

Yes, we can only change ourselves. That is something I learned a while ago - well it took some time to sink in! I have been through therapy and worked on my own stuff, continuing to read and hopefully grow out of unhealthy patterns that are part of my family history. It's a lifelong process, at least it seems so to me.

Thanks a bunch for the link. Yes, it is helpful. I am making my way through all of those lessons. I will post a question about a comversation I had in a little while. I still can't decipher how I could have done something differently, but hopefully asking here will shed some light. Have a good day!

[HappyChappy]

I will post a question about a comversation... .but hopefully asking here will shed some light.

Hi Trailwalker,

Apologies for the delayed response. You do seem to have a good understanding about BPD. So what sort of Therapy did you go for ? I did CBT. Your point about a recovery being life long , is a good one. Learning should be life long, and if we’re re-adjusting thoughts from our first 16 years, that’s a lot of thoughts to adjust.  I also find conversations I've had with my BPD help so if you feel comfortable sharing, I’ll keep an eye out for that. 

[trailwalker]

Hi HappyChappy,

That is quite alright about the delay.

I had a multi-faceted psychotherapy. My psychotherapist was mainly of the experiential school and also untilzed some gestalt approaches as well as basic insight type of therapy.