Having horrendous day. Please help

[Pipedreamer25]

Things keep getting worse.  As I've mentioned in a previous post my pwBPD is on a huge self destructive spiral that just seems to be getting worse.  I feel like I've tried everything I can and have tried putting in boundaries for myself and for him.  Today he turned up drunk at my work and demanded to come back.  I told him he needed to get sober and be responsible for his actions and that i was at work and couldn't talk.  He said that he'd wait in the lobby for me to finish.  Two supportive work colleagues met with him and told him I was busy and he would need to leave as he was drunk.   He screamed and threw papers and ran out.

I left work early to grab stuff from my apartment to go to my mums for the weekend.  When I got there he had passed out in front of my door.  I called the emergency services and left for my mum's.

This is all so messed up.  I feel like the worst person.  I dont know what to do.  I feel like whatever I do is the wrong thing.  I feel like my world has been turned upside down.  I don't know how to face work.  I feel like Ive let him down.  Seeing him like this is so distressing. 

[joeramabeme]

Pipedreamer25

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. 

I wanted to say a couple of things. First, you are not responsible for his behavior.  Though he showed up to your work drunk, others will see that as a reflection of him, not you.  I understand how embarrassing this can be but be assured that most people have had embarrassing moments happen to them and will tend to be empathetic.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing staying with Mum.  Hopefully your ex will sober up and realize that he made a fool of himself. 

Just so you can hear it from someone else, these are all FOG (Fear / Obligation / Guilt) statements and are not true:

I feel like the worst person. 
I feel like whatever I do is the wrong thing. 
I feel like Ive let him down.

You are a good person in a tough situation, doing the right thing by reaching out to get support for yourself and supporting him by not reinforcing his drunken/bad behaviors or taking responsibility for them.

You cannot change him, only he can do that.  You are doing a great job changing and helping yourself.

J

 

[patientandclear]

Of course it is distressing! What a terrible situation--caring so much about someone who is destroying himself and what's good in his life.

I hope this will help somewhat: I suspect he is, on some level, counting on you to hold this line. He is playing out a drama and trying to crack your boundary. Only if he finds it is actually uncrack-able might he make new decisions. He CAN do that, as you discovered a month or so ago when he went to detox.

He is going to give everything to Plan A (break your resolve) first. But if that doesn't work, he MIGHT (no guarantees) actually really shift to a Plan B, which will be very very hard for him. Plan A is easier--no wonder he prefers it.

Plan A does not allow him to be his best self. Plan B does. You, by taking your current stance, are giving him a chance at a different kind of life. Up to him to take it. He might not, but you are making it possible.

Please know that is a tremendously strong and loving act.

My exH (not the man I usually post here about) was a alcoholic. Quite a few times I drew boundaries but caved when we got to the point where you found yourself yesterday. Nothing got better. I know with 1000% certainty that I did him no favors.

This guy's approach to life isn't going to work for him or those who care for him. This isn't an instance of different strokes for different folks. If he wants a meaningful life he will have to make big changes. How you can help is by doing exactly what you are doing: not making it easier for him to keep destroying himself and you.

His behavior yesterday is not loving behavior toward you, either. It's manipulative. I can no longer respond emotionally to someone who does that to me--it resonates with all those bad experiences with my exH. Can you find any resentment toward him for trying to put you in a position where you were embarrassed or compelled to do something against your own principles and choices?

 

[rj47]

Pipedreamer.

I connect entirely with what your dealing with. My ex's drinking problem went from bad to worse after I finally left. The 20-year blame she laid on me for her unhappiness and rage became the cause/excuse for her descent into alcohol and drug abuse. The more I tried to help from a safe distance the worse her behavior became. The FOG was crushing.

A final try to get her into rehab (after the replacement kicked her out) worked and she spent five weeks in detox/rehab. She came out clean, had a few ugly relapses while trying to recycle me. I finally checked out long ago. The manipulation they can engage in even in the midst of a life threatening condition is unbelievable. She's back with the replacement who is on probation, house arrest and has to remain clean to stay out of jail. If they can help each other... .great. Whatever it takes. It's her path and no longer my "job" to keep her stable. Tried for years and failed miserably.

It was a mistake. I enabled and perpetuated the bad behavior.

His alcohol abuse has clearly amplified the bad behavior. Sometimes they have to bottom out in self-destruction. You can't fix him. You never could. If it ends badly it will be his doing. You need to focus on protecting yourself if he continues. You're in the UK where police and social services take such behavior seriously and will intervene. Please protect yourself.

But I fully understand what you're feeling and my heart breaks for you. God bless you.

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for all your responses and support.  I guess I'm struggling so much because I nevere really believed in that idea that addicts had to hit rock bottom to change.  I always believed that someone needed endless love and understanding but I seem to have got that mixed up with enabling.

It's challenging because I have always separated the bad traits from who he really was.  I always saw the BPD. traits as a condition not as part of him and not who he wanted to be.  He would always echo this after an episode too that that behaviour was not him and he wanted it to stop. 

My emotions have been so distorted throughout this entire relationship.  Some emotions I habvent been able to express for years.  I should feel resenrment or anger but all I can feel is sadness and still this malignant hope.

I still don't know what happened with the emergency services.  I have no updates.  I feel sick waiting.

[patientandclear]

I can relate to how unnatural boundary enforcement feels in these circumstances. I think you're being remarkably strong and loving. Please remember that, when you commit to a boundary as you have, it's so important not to falter. He is looking to see if you will. If you do, this--breaking the boundary--will be his main plan for a long long time, because he will have a well founded expectation that it will work.

Can you indulge in some sort of deep escapism to keep your mind off this as much as possible? This is what bingewatching is for :/

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your words patientandclear, they are giving me strength.   I am trying to distract myself with dumb movies.  I haven't heard any news.  Either from him or other services.  It is unusual that I haven't heard from him.  I'm just worried sick and I hate that this is happening.  I will have to go back to my apartment tomorrow.  I'm very nervous about this.  I just can't believe I'm loosing him this way.  It actually physically hurts. 

[patientandclear]

There could be several explanations, running from him actually taking steps to help himself, to being in jail; to being completely incapacitated. I know how hard it is to not speculate. There was a period in which my exH was not coming home at night.

Even though I knew there were other explanations I kept thinking they were unlikely and what was most likely was that he had had an accident and was in the hospital. I would call hospitals ... .But actually, he was driving around by himself, long distances, maybe having casual sex, but definitely processing his own demons in his own way. My worrying that he was injured or dead was pointless.

He has decisions to make, pipedreamer, and neither of you will know what they are unless he is given the chance to make them. You're doing that. He knows you love him and at some level he would probably be disappointed if you shift your boundary. He has a part to play here and he has choices. You aren't his mom or his therapist, relationships where arguably providing a temporary safe harbor is part of the assignment. You are his partner and equal. You're acting with love and respect for him.

Sometimes people do more than we expect them to--but not if we keep helping them avoid that question.

[Pipedreamer25]

He is making me work very hard to hold this boundary.  He called about 30 times.  Messaged that he had been beaten up, payments cut off, andd was on the way to mine.  I answered a call and said that he needed to go to hospital.  He didn't like that said it wouldn't help.  I told him he needed to stop drinking and he said he couldn't.  I said that he was choice but I couldn't help him if he wasn't going to stop.  Big rants and raves then he begged me to call an ambulance just so that I could see how wrong I was.  I did call because I am worried about all the suicide threats in the midst of his anger.  He sent me a text later to say the ambulance wasn't coming.  I haven't responded.  He keeps calling.  The last message he sent was "please pick up.  Why are you treating me like this. Please pick up!  Why does everyone I care about leave me.  What's wrng with me? What am I doing wrong? I do everything you ___ing idiots do and you treat me like ___.  Talk to me. What the ___ is so wrong with me that I'm not good enough for you. Tell me! TELL ME!"

I feel ill.  Am trying not to respond.

[patientandclear]

Again, I identify. I've been on the receiving end of many such messages.

He knows the answers. Deep down, he knows you are right and the position you are taking is because you do care, not because you don't.

I'm sorry, I know it's miserable. It's worth noting and not overlooking: what he's doing is not loving towards you.

[lovenature]

[quote I feel like my world has been turned upside down.][/quote]

Your world gets turned upside down because you are involved with a mentally ill person, same goes for all of us who have tried to make it work with our PWBPD.

Try to focus on you; remember that you are living in actual reality while your PWBPD makes up their own to fit their current emotion of the moment.

[Pipedreamer25]

That is really good advice Patience&clear and lovenature.  Thank you.   My reality has become really distorted through the whole process.   Today he's gone from hospital to crisis accom and probably back on the streets soon.  Chronically suicidal.  I had so many apologetic messages today.  I am trying to make progress for both our sakes.  It's just really painful work.  Thank you so much for listening.   

[patientandclear]

It is painful but you are doing absolutely the right thing. Under it all, he almost surely would agree. Courage.