not sure where to go from here

[BeatriceO]

hi, I'm a new member, trying to survive another crisis and possible breakup with my BPD boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for just over a year, and it's been a roller coaster that increasing is taking a serious toll on me. I am reaching out for support from others who have been there.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hisaccount]

Hate seeing posts unanswered.
Sounds like you need to detach. If you are not aware, detaching is not leaving it is about letting the emotional abuse and stress go, realize it doesn't matter.
Try to empathize but remember who you are. Don't sacrifice yourself.
A year is not very long. If I had known then what I know now things would have been so much different.
You still have a chance. If you haven't read as much as you can on here.
All the stories I read are so true to my life. They will tell you what to expect in the future if you go forward.
They will also help you do it without becoming what I have and many others which is a barren wasteland inside.

[KatieLou]

Hello and welcome, Beatrice. I'm new on this board but have been married to my undiagnosed BPD husband for fourteen years, after dating for two years. It wasn't until probably four years or so ago that I discovered information about BPD and thus gained so much more clarity about the challenges we've experienced in our marriage and family life.
If I could talk to myself at a year in, I would have the following advice:
 - be clear about the fact that things your SO says when he is not in a good place emotionally are likely not representative of reality, and probably not even of his reality when he's thinking clearly; his emotions drive him entirely in those moments
 - being aware of that first point makes this easier: it is not helpful to argue about any distorted ideas your SO presents. It is far more helpful to empathize with their pain - which you can do without agreeing about its source - and maintain your own boundaries to protect yourself (e.g. you will not participate in a conversation in which you are being yelled at or belittled . . . but keep the focus on the behavior and your boundaries rather than on the content).
 - the reality of being in a long-term relationship with a person with BPD is that it takes a special kind of emotional fortitude to stand beside that rollercoaster and not get dragged on to it. It is a true balancing act to be truly emotionally close and vulnerable to a person who can be so volatile without becoming co-dependent or enabling.
 - it is enormously helpful to work on knowing yourself and strengthening your own communication skills and emotional regulation. I would even say it is the most important thing a person who chooses to be in a relationship with someone with BPD can do. Whether you do that through therapy, meditation, reading, some kind of religious or spiritual practice or a combination of some or all of the above, self-care and self-strengthening, in my opinion, is the most crucial aspect of staying healthy in this kind of relationship.

I wish you the absolute best. After 16 years with my husband I can in all honesty say that while this is nothing like what I had ever imagined as a child or as a younger woman, my relationship with my husband is not one I would ever choose to "undo." I love him dearly and am thankful for our marriage.

[Swhitey]

Hi BeatriceO,

I am sorry that you are experiencing this emotional rollercoaster, and I understand the pain and uncertainty that one is left with when a relationship cycles from breakup(or near break up) to back together. It wears on your self-esteem leaving you under resourced to think logically and rationally. I think KatieLou is right; that improving your own knowlege of this disorder and having the strength and self awareness to modify how you communicate and establish boundaries is paramount to building trust with someone who suffers from BPD and introduce more peace in your life. I am currently in a breakup/makeup cycle right now for the last 3 weeks and it is deteriorating fast so I can sympathize with how you might be feeling.

A peice of advice/suggestion to think about perhaps: "Treat the person, not the disorder" It is much easier to be kind to a person that it is to the ailment that is driving the problem. Learn to position youself beside them emotionally when they are directing their ire towards you so you can look at the situation more objectively and not take the full blast of the other persons emotions. It will allow you to be more empathetic as opposed to sympathetic (ideally)

Good luck and all the best (and well done for reaching out for support!)