Intro -- here to read, learn, and seeking support

[shmellBPDnoMore]

Hi all,

I found this forum while seeking advice, and answers on the internet, thanks for having me.

I been in a long distance relationship now for about 7 years with a diagnosed BPD.   I didn't really buy into it until recently, as things have gotten much harder to manage, and the emotional and physical toll that its taken on me has had me concerned for my own personal health.   I think I have been pushed to the limit in this relationship, there was a domestic violence incident last year that really took its toll on me.   Luckily everything it directed me into the directions of therapy, and personal growth.   I have discovered many helpful resources, and things have gotten better for longer periods of time but it seems like every episode that comes up after is magnified and becomes more damaging and relationship ending.   I'm exhausted trying to manage things on my end.    At this point I feel if the BPD doesn't get help for themselves that I can't be happy any longer in this relationship and maintain myself.   Its a constant and exhausting emotional rollercoaster that I don't see myself having the stamina to withstand forever.   

She's trying to get pregnant, and has stopped all her meds, and focused on trying to get pregnant as fast as possible due to her age.   This hasn't made things worse but I really makes me second guess my life with this person.   If I have a child with this person I am fully committed and will run myself dry trying to be successful at this relationship, but on the other hand I am running on 40 years old and can, and have been in more normal relationships.  If we were together full time and I believed that she was capable of uprooting her life and moving to another state then I think things would be better.   However, I truly in my heart don't think she is capable of doing that with out me driving the entire process which I feel is the wrong approach.

Thanks for listening just trying to find parts of myself that I have lost, and find some direction. 

[livednlearned]

Hi shmellBPDnoMore,

Domestic violence, yikes. Are you ok? What happened?

The long distance probably allows her to manage the anxiety she has with emotional intimacy (which she likely cannot abide).

Perhaps the drive to have a child is increasing that anxiety because it points to an increasing level of dependence and closeness that is not something she knows how to handle.

What are your plans if she gets pregnant? Would you move to be with her to raise the child?

[ACObound]

I am with livednlearned... .yikes

I might suggest reading the article below.  if the link does not work, then it is under the psychology Tab, why we struggle in relationships.
Look in particular under the parenting section.  Hope it will give you an insight to the direction you may be heading.
Good luck, stay close to others in your life.



https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[SamwizeGamgee]

You posted your statement on the Conflicted or Deciding board.  If that's the case, let me drop in my two cents.  You are blowing right past all kinds of red flags, and straight into deeper troubles. 

I know the heart wants what the heart wants, and some people say that we can't chose who we love.  However, by your own information, you know ahead of time - before an eternally important decision to have a child - that your partner has BPD traits.  Please spend a little more time reading posts from people trying to divorce someone with BPD traits.  Read about people trying to shore up and save relationships with someone with BPD traits.  Read about the adults who grew up in a house with a mom with BPD traits.  Read about people co-parenting a child with an ex with BPD traits. 
Please!
Given a choice, would you cause this to happen to yourself and your child?
Would you raise a puppy with someone based on long distance relationship?
When talking about having a baby, you are involving a future life and one that is completely innocent.  You have a choice now.
Like the proverbial genie, once it's out, you can't get it back in the bottle. 

[SamwizeGamgee]

... .and as we know.  You did not cause her problems, you cannot change her, and you cannot cure her.  Getting close will not make you more able to save her any more than one can roof a house in the eye of a hurricane.