Cognitive Dissonance and encouragement

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Hope everyone is feeling better on the road to recovery.

I watched a video yesterday about cognitive dissonance and this seems to be one of the toughest parts for my detachment. Playing this over and over in my head, her fault, my fault. I think the most important part is not who's to blame but working on why I was willing to subject myself to the abuse, accusations and all the other horrible things I experienced and that leads me back to foo. My conditioning to accept the unacceptable.

Then it dawned on me

At least we knew something was horribly wrong with our partners, we may have chosen to stay even after we knew but still we recognized thier issues.

The encouraging thing about this is "We know" so we can change.

It seems pwBPD either don't know or at least keep repeating failed behaviours.

The ability to recognize someone else is behaving irrationally is a sign we are rational right?

There's the hope, I seen the problems, I tried my best to fix them and that shows I am healthy.

We all have problems, it's how we deal with them that matters. PwBPD just use the same broken play book and remain stuck. At least my ex does.

Any comments are appreciated

[joeramabeme]

Jerry I read your posts and want to challenge you with this:

How about he Cognitive Dissonance of knowing that she has a disorder and still needing to discuss it over and over?  In other words, you know she has a mental illness and have read all about the symptoms and keep looking for validation that she has a mental illness.

Not trying to be a jerk here, just the way I read your post.

[thefinalrose]

How about he Cognitive Dissonance of knowing that she has a disorder and still needing to discuss it over and over?  In other words, you know she has a mental illness and have read all about the symptoms and keep looking for validation that she has a mental illness.

I've not read any of of Jerry's other posts (I think), but I don't really see how discussing a traumatic situation over and over is "looking for validation"? My therapist has said that repeatedly talking about something that has hurt you is how many people work through their trauma and make sense of it. There's even a type of therapy designed to help people with PTSD that focuses on repetition called "prolonged exposure" therapy, in which the patient narrates the traumatic event over and over in as much detail as possible until they become desensitized to it and the pain is greatly lessened or eliminated.

[Duped 1]

I feel repeating it over and over helps me heal and slowly desensitize as well.

[JerryRG]

I guess I wasn't very clear about explaining myself.

The frustration I encounter is I go from knowing she has a mental illness to I'm the one who's messed up. Back and forth. I know the facts then they seem to fade away and I start believing the things she told me about me and then I feel like the one with the mental illness.

I just wonder why my beliefs change when the evidence is right in front of me. I sometimes belive she's ok and I'm the sick one. Crazy

[once removed]

The frustration I encounter is I go from knowing she has a mental illness to I'm the one who's messed up. Back and forth.

both of you are a part of this equation jerry. own whats yours. let whats hers be hers.

then, embrace constructive solutions that are within your control.

[Broken88]

both of you are a part of this equation jerry. own whats yours. let whats hers be hers.

then, embrace constructive solutions that are within your control.

Harsh, but true... I felt that one as well, even if it wasn't aimed at me. I spent a lot of time in the r/s blaming her, for yea, everything. Was only in the last couple of years (6 year r/s) i started to realize some of my part in the chaos i used to call my life. Still chaotic...

But really good, short, to the point. But next time OR, maybe a bit of sugar coating?  

[JerryRG]

Thank everyone for the feedback and honesty. I will continue to focus on my own issues and try to accept the way things are. I get upset at times when I think about her sitting on her a$$ and lying about me keeping our son from her while living off his child support and I'm going broke paying the bills and being a single parent. I only want justice for my son

[Herodias]

I'm in the same boat Jerry. I think the idea of repeating until you are desensitized to it makes sense. The only thing is I'm better with it and I told my divorce group
About the finding the woman in my bed on Xmas thing and they were horrified! Now I feel like I act to numb to things and that's embarrassing... .I knew he was crazy but not as much as he knew he was crazy and I stayed for better or worse. I don't think I did anything wrong except ignore what I now know are red flags and I should have been out sooner. That's on me. I can tell I'm getting better slowly. Hope you all are too... .

[JerryRG]

Thank you Herodias

I thought we were suppose to try an forget and not talk about our exes, I don't bring her up as much as I used too. My therapist may not understand what I need?

I want to forget I ever met her and I don't want to see her again. I have enough to think about and get done. Being with her family triggers memories, they are all frustrated too. I love my son's family, they have always been supportive. They tell me no one will ever figure her out. I just want out of this nightmare.

[joeramabeme]

Thank you Herodias

I thought we were suppose to try an forget and not talk about our exes, I don't bring her up as much as I used too. My therapist may not understand what I need?

Where did you hear that from?  I have never been of the mind that I am supposed to forget my ex, rather, to see her in the proper perspective - a person with a serious mental illness.  Borderline Personality Disorder is a term that was coined to represent someone that is not quite psychotic but is more than neurotic.  I will never forget her and my r/s and I also would never go back.

Is your T saying that you are supposed to "forget"?  Or is that an interpretive statement?

[JerryRG]

She suggests I work on my AA recovery, codependency issues, she seems to get upset when I bring up my ex, or the past. I've told her I believe it's PTSD, her and others just brush that off.

She says things like, "your ex sure has a lot of power in your life, she's not even here and you're still giving her power"

[joeramabeme]

She suggests I work on my AA recovery, codependency issues, she seems to get upset when I bring up my ex, or the past. I've told her I believe it's PTSD, her and others just brush that off.

She says things like, "your ex sure has a lot of power in your life, she's not even here and you're still giving her power"

Jerry - I am a long time 12 step member.  Please take this within its intended perspective; do not go to AA with this stuff, you will get deeply misinformed opinions that can cause a great deal more damage.  Your program is for alcoholism ONLY!  Remember what the "primary purpose" statement says. 
Of course there are additional benefits that accrue from practicing, but also, there are many (most) people in the halls that are deeply wounded and troubled and yet sound like the model of good health - most are not at all.

Personally, I would find another T.  as someone that has completed EMDR work, I can tell you that AA will thwart that recovery and has a high likelihood of causing you greater harm.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss.

J

[JerryRG]

Thank you joeramabeme

I will pm you this afternoon

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Jerry-

I agree with joe, AA members are not mental health professionals who know about cluster B disorders, for the most part, that's not why you all work a program, and as many of us have found, talking to the wrong people about these relationships can make it worse, even if they're good intentioned, because they just don't understand.

She suggests I work on my AA recovery, codependency issues, she seems to get upset when I bring up my ex, or the past. I've told her I believe it's PTSD, her and others just brush that off.

She says things like, "your ex sure has a lot of power in your life, she's not even here and you're still giving her power"

Your therapist is exactly right though, she's encouraging you to shift the focus from your ex to you and from the past to the future, and she is aware that you are giving your ex a lot of power, the same things we've been telling you for quite  a while, so at least you're getting consistent information.

Also, forgetting your ex is not the goal, it wouldn't work anyway, we will never forget significant things we go through in our lives, and you will never forget the mother of your son, the goal is to detach emotionally and begin living your own life, and when you put all your energy and focus there, on you and your future, she and the past will just fade and matter less and less.  Sometimes the best way to fight something is don't fight it, create something new.  Just for reference, I rarely think of my ex anymore, and when I do it's a benign thought with no emotion attached to it, but I will never forget her, and that's OK.

[Moselle]

Hi Jerry,

This process is tough. We find ourselves in the push and pull turbulence of a borderline and it's designed to destabilise our view of ourselves and the world.

Therapists who treat Borderlines are encouraged to receive counselling from another professional. So if the pro's need help it's no wonder that we need it too.

I think your therapist and others are encouraging you to let go and move on. What would you lose if you did move on and she became a benign memory?

I'm not being facetious. I needed to ask myself that question this week.

[Harri]

Hi Jerry.

Instead of looking at this as an either or choice (either she is the sick one or I am the sick one) how about looking at it in terms of the both of you have/had interlocking wounds and that is what brought you together and kept you together?

Just wondering if that would help you get through this sticky part?