I fear who I've become

[Callmemark]

This is at least the 3rd time I've posted about day 1 of separation, and there were many more times it happened that I didn't post.  Everyone mostly believes we'll be back together in a few weeks at most.  That's our pattern. I can't rule it out myself, even though I know I should.

The thing... .the motivation that I work to keep in front of my thinking at least tonight is how much I did not like the person I had become.  Maintaining boundaries and keeping my guard led me to be just as harsh as i claimed of her. Over the years I learned to go silent at least as well and often as she did.  Every disagreement escalated into another power struggle and I'd learned to be as merciless as I ever declared her to be. In the last couple of years... .I'm not sure I could tell us apart.

I don't want to be that person and I wasn't before I met her and honestly I don't think I am that guarded with anyone else.

So tonight I'm faced with 2 conflicting emotions.  On one hand I'm feeling guilty.  I want to apologize to her not for the points I made but how harshly I made them, as a kind of closure.  On the other,  I know that any contact could lead to another recycle and the only way I can get back to being my less guarded self is stay out of this toxic relationship, including recycling.

Any suggestions on how to get closure and a clear conscious with no contact?

[sad but wiser]

Write her a letter. Don't bother to send it, it is really for you.  You are the one who wants kindness.  You have been in a war zone.  I don't suggest re-entering it.  The only way not to is to walk away and not engage.

[Kelli Cornett]

If you did everything you could than you have nothing to feel guilty about... .

[Ananass]

Am in the same boat only that I made the mistake to re-enter the conflict zone. In a span of few weeks, I came out wounded twice as bad as the first time. Apologies don't matter. Closure is important but don't look forward to it. If I had known much earlier, I could have left long time ago but the guilt kept me in that toxic r/s. Everyday I reflect on the past and I cannot believe who I have become. Sad part is she currently appears normal than I am! Find yourself and never look back.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Callmemark,

Your feelings are very understandable. When we have some time to reflect, the image of ourselves that comes back is sometimes uncomfortable. That happened to me, too. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. I believe that getting through a breakup with pwBPD forces us to look more deeply at things we have been trying to avoid for a long time. The good news is that now we are able to see things we couldn't before, and therefore can grow from that.  

I agree with   sadbutwiser: you may want to write down your feelings and express everything that you want to say to her. You have said that you feel too vulnerable to a recycle to be able to have this conversation with her, and I agree that it's not a good idea to try (been there, done that, lost the T-shirt). Write it down (don't send it) and feel your feelings as best you can—that is what will help you recover. Far more than engaging with her when you are grieving the relationship.

Hang in there. It gets better, really.  

heartandwhole

[Hisaccount]

I write a lot, it helps. I have countless drafts in my email account where I jot thoughts down. Good and bad, problem is I don't go back and read them often enough.

I too am like you, I got out and realized I hate myself. I loved who I was before and I want to be more like that guy.

Problem is, that is the guy that attracted her. So she needs to be out of the picture otherwise she will turn me into the person I hate again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Callmemark, I think it's common to pick up "fleas" from our BPD partner, i.e., to take on their bad habits.  It's natural to fight fire with fire, in my view.  I engaged in poor behavior, too, due to being embroiled in extreme situations with my BPDxW.  My Ex would goad and taunt me.  Now that I'm out of my marriage, those behaviors have thankfully disappeared.  So don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you decline to apologize, which is unlikely to be received well and more likely to be thrown back in your face.  You didn't do anything wrong, so try to be kind to yourself.

LuckyJim

[True Grenadine]

Hi CMM,

I can understand what you are saying... .Struggling with feelings tied to our actions and responses is hard… I suggest that you take some time to focus on the fact that many of these relationship types and related stories, that we can relate too, are similar in a sense that they share a similar continuum of perpetual discard.

I feel that it’s easy to get confused with by our feelings of anger and shame and guilt and the beaten down determination to break free of an abusive relationship ... .the struggle for a non to understand what happened in a downward spiraling and abusive relationship never seems to end as long as your focus is on the other person... .I would suggest No contact and move on to heal and forgive yourself.

I write this because I too am still in the same struggle and have had to go extreme NC since Thanksgiving... .I have to remain NC as my BPD who I have thought is more of a Narcissistic Personality type lashed out in a premeditated violence against me right after the holiday... .the short story is that I broke NC to meet with her so she could apologize for a rant she laid into me on the Holiday... .All of the meeting sounded a bit odd as she insisted that we meet at her apt... .After three attempts to get me to go there I maintained and got her to agree to meet me in a public place. When I met with her she immediately turned against me and immediately placed all blame of her holiday meltdown on me... .then she flew into a Narcissistic rage and smashed my face in public... .I knew then and there that she wanted me alone to attack me and then would have probably did something worse… Since then I have ghosted her from my life.  The anguish I felt after the attack was crushing my soul…  Right after the attack I went NC instead of contacting the police.

The back story in short is that we were both single parents of two young children each… I’m a widow looking to move on and she was hiding a lengthy history of drug addiction and anger issues. For her, she turns to emotional, verbal and physical abuse when confronted with her struggles. The hell of this relationship lasted for nearly three years and I hung in for the children and because I do love her.

To the outside, we looked like the Brady bunch… But on the inside of the home, it was abusive and full of lies and manipulations…

To end the abusive cycle… and at the beginning of the summer I threw her out and she went into rehab.  After rehab we decided to live apart to work on us and on ourselves…  By the holidays none of her stuff is at my home and the same for hers… This situation allowed us space and then later allowed me to go NC after her violent outburst…

The reason I tell you this is because in the process of breaking free of the abuse and living separate live, I found myself weak and recycled back to her many times… Always allowing myself to be pulled back in by whatever tools she was successful with. 

Looking back, I realize that living together and apart had no differences… the dysfunctional dynamic caused me to question myself, my own actions and sanity… I too saw that I had changed and could no longer see straight living under so much emotional abuse.

Soon after the attack I was readying for the next holiday and I came across some of her belongings that had significant sentimental value to her… they were stored away in a box and I did not know they were there… the sight of the items and being so near her recent attack threw me into string of mental vomit full of specific instances of her emotional abuse to me and my children; I vividly recalled many of her lies and manipulations and other instances of her cruelty…

The downward spiral of these memories threw me into a place so dark that I responded by grabbing her stuff and throwing them in the trash… I hated the stuff and knew that tossing it would hurt her if she knew.

I let the stuff sit there until trash day… I drove off to work leaving the trash out front… Hours later my conscience got to me and I scurried home to retrieve her stuff… I returned too late and the trash was gone. I felt like a looser for sinking so low.

Since trash day… I know that she’s been reaching out to others to contact me to get her stuff back… I remain NC and live with extreme guilt for allowing myself to act out my own frustration and hurt and thus falling short of the man that I want to be… I also know that the act of trashing her stuff is a singular activity, brought on by her abuse, and not a description of who I am…

The road to enlightenment is not a straight path, it is crooked road with hills and valleys… I have learned my lessons and will never again allow myself to feel the pain and embarrassment of losing sight of who I want to be.

Blessings,
TG

[SoMadSoSad]

Not sure about you guys but my ex was definitely a button pusher.

[Julia S]

Everything is an interaction. In order to be in a relationship with a pwBPD you have to adapt your behaviour to theirs, and respond to behaviours which no-one else would exhibit. Many therapists say they can't cope with BPD interactions and they're trained to cope.

I doubt you've become anyone different, but you most likely have forgotten some of your sense of self. Incidentally, I googled sense of self earlier and there are tips on how to strengthen it. I note learning to say no is one of them - something which will be difficult with a BPD person.

As you detach, stop interacting with the BPD person, and spend time with psychologically healthy people, you will soon get in touch with your old self again. In fact, if you can make a point of doing that during the time you're apart, you may feel less inclined to go back.

Personally, I'm shocked at how quickly a pwBPD can get under your skin and have you doubting yourself. So I cannot imagine what it must be like for someone who has been involved long term.

But the point is, you - your self - are still there underneath. The BPD person does not have this. You can move on and have a normal fulfilling life. They cannot. You are lucky. They are broken and you cannot fix them.

You have not become anyone different or bad that cannot be put right by leaving a bad relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

But the point is, you - your self - are still there underneath. The BPD person does not have this. You can move on and have a normal fulfilling life. They cannot. You are lucky. They are broken and you cannot fix them.
You have not become anyone different or bad that cannot be put right by leaving a bad relationship.

Nicely put, Julia S.  I like to think that my authentic self was like a pilot light on a stove that was still on, yet had been overlooked for years in the throes of marriage to a pwBPD.  Once I got out of the r/s and realized the pilot light was still on, it wasn't that hard to get the old burners going again!  LJ

[Duped 1]

This is a good thread. I really lost myself as well and started fighting fire with fire. She could say the nastiest things in the world to me but if I responded that she was disrespectful, rude, shallow, selfish, negative, judgemental, she would start crying. This pattern went on for way too long and her family would see her upset and I became the abusive villain as she only told her side of the story which I'm sure was very enhanced. I didn't realize she had BPD until after the breakup. In the first 6-8months or so of the relationship I responded OK but as the put downs and constant chaos become more extreme my resentment mounted and I started fighting dirty as well. I remember saying to her: "I'm starting to fight mean like you now".I should have walked away forever at that point but I was addicted terribly. It's really sad how we change when under attack and constant duress waiting for the next rage, insult, put-down, criticism, etc. I've never seen so much conflict, chaos, and unrest in my entire life-most of it created by the drama queen and completely unnecessary. She was never content and never will be.

it's sad that even with all of the nastiness and betrayal I still miss her, how pathetic!

[Callmemark]

Thank you ask for taking the time to read and post. Today has been far more difficult than I expected. I've composed 20-30 emails I'm my hurried mind  but written none. I'm too afraid I will send it, because I've also negotiated as many solutions mentally. Perhaps I am already at bargaining

[Lucky Jim]

I remember saying to her: "I'm starting to fight mean like you now".I should have walked away forever at that point but I was addicted terribly. It's really sad how we change when under attack and constant duress waiting for the next rage, insult, put-down, criticism, etc. I've never seen so much conflict, chaos, and unrest in my entire life-most of it created by the drama queen and completely unnecessary. She was never content and never will be.

Well put, Duped 1.  Same thing happened to me.  I was brought down to her level by constant bullying and goading.  I said and did things of which I'm not proud.  Yet it's funny how all that bad behavior disappeared when I got out of my marriage, even after I started dating other women.  I discovered that there are kind and thoughtful people out there with whom its possible to have a normal, healthy relationship, without constant drama and conflict.

LuckyJim

[Recovering480]

I understand the guilt. But I think you should try to let that go. Granted, I don't know what was said or how it was said.

I didn't like the fact that I was even engaging with her when we fought. I thought I was better than that. But it was so frustrating getting my words turned around and being accused of something completely out of context. One of our final text messages, I finally went off on her. And it felt good. If I came across being a d**k, I dont really care. It was months of building up.

I too am trying to recapture that person I was before her. I think I'm doing a good job. I have my moments of sadness, doubt, perhaps wishing to compromise and work it out. Last night I actually had my first emotional outburst (saying my prayers of all things and I just broke down and cried finally. I was angry about that because I dont think she deserves my tears).

We're human. And I think all of us share the same kindness and love that allowed us to tolerate behavior we might not have otherwise.

I keep a journal. Re-reading things prior to her will help. Doing the things prior to her will help. I been going to matinees, playing video games, seeing friends, going to the gym, spending time with my pets.

I keep telling myself that this wont take overnight. I like someone's analogy about a warzone. We're suffering from a form of PTSD (not to minimize in any way what our veterans are experiencing). But the constant being on edge, constantly being attacked, takes a toll. Every day, I see a very small improvement. I take that with gratitude.

Give yourself time.

[Callmemark]

Waking up is clearly the hardest part... .I am staying with family now for financial reasons for which I am very thankful, but not being in my own place is only increasing the over all home sickness and just plain missing her. At this moment, I would do most anything to hear from her. I feel so lost and am completely questioning my decision and resolve. This is just so hard, especially in the morning.

[Lucky Jim]

At this moment, I would do most anything to hear from her. I feel so lost and am completely questioning my decision and resolve.

Hey CMM, You sound vulnerable, which is natural in your situation.  It's easy to think that backsliding will bring temporary relief.  Suggest you stay the course, as hard as it is, in order to get to the other side, which is where greater happiness resides.

LuckyJim

[woundedPhoenix]

You have not become anyone different or bad that cannot be put right by leaving a bad relationship.

yes and no. :-)

we have become somebody different. Deep down under we probably never knew a "part" of us that lay dormant or suppressed, but that we saw as a positive attractive trait in the BPD. There are a few of those things that i now to my great surprise discover in myself. But that is positive only.

And still we are the same. We just have to let time do it's work. The demons inside of us may have revealed themself as a result of the tremendous stress and an experience of loosing ones self trying to control a totally chaotic dynamic. I am not proud of my demons, i now know they CAN be summoned at will if i am not carefull about my own boundaries and the situations and relationships i choose to have in my life. Maybe these demons even sneakily were responsable for part of the subconscious attraction, i don't know.