I'm worried about my brother-in-law

[wobniar]

Hi,  my sister was married to a great guy, who cared for her through a terrible illness, and grieved for her when she died.  I was so happy for him when he found love, and remarried, and we welcomed his bride and her child with open arms.

Over the past few years she has been isolating him from all his friends and family.  She always was upset and negative... and easily offended.  They stopped ttalking to us a couple years ago, didn't return calls, and we didn't know why.  My brother has cut off his mom, dad, sister and brother because his wife felt insulted when his mom didn't spend as much money on her son (age 11) at Christmas as she did on my niece who was an adult, single, and pregnant.  I found out I was cut out because I continued to have a relationship with her mother-in-law and in-laws, as they have never been anything but great with me and my family.
Saddest of all, they are not seeing my niece, her husband or their 3 children (the youngest is 9 months old and never met his grandfather.
I tried to talk with her on the phone, and find out about why we weren't part of their lives.  My brother in law said we did nothing, but that this was easier, and then his wife came on the phone and "let me have it".  I stayed calm, apologized, and asked if we could start again, but she said no.  It was the most confusing conversation I've ever had... .she lied, contradicted herself, talked about no one doing anything for her, but that she always went out of her way.  She seemed to have one set of rules for herself, and a different set for everyone else.  I ended the conversation by saying we love her, her son and her husband, and that we will always be here if they change their mind.

I think she has a personality disorder... do you agree... .is there anything I can do to support my niece and my brother in law?
Thanks

[HappyChappy]

Hi Wobniar,

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, it sounds awful. In answer to your question, the behaviour you mention does sound very BPD, however a formal diagnosis would need far more detail and typically needs to come from a psychiatrist.

It is not uncommon for a BPD to isolate their partner from those competing for his attention.  It’s a control mechanism. They say you can not change someone else’s behaviour, and with someone with BPD, that is even more so.  

A BPD likes to be made to feel important, so if you pander to that, you may prick her attention.  But I would imagine, she’s only interested in people that are primarily interested in seeing/helping her first and foremost.  Certainly not anyone interested in her entourage.

However  she may not have a personality disorder, in which case normal rules apply. Do you think her behaviour may relate to something else ? What other things are you going to try ?