Could Techniques Have Saved A Relationship? Do Fresh Starts Work?

[rosesarered777]

I have spent the equivalent of 3 days reading articles since my separated wife was diagnosed as being Bipolar 3+ years ago.

Some threads insist a relationship with BPD is unsavable, no matter what you would have saI'd or done. Other threads suggest these techniques could greatly improve a BPD relationship.

From my own experiences, I am more of a pessimist these days and feel there was nothing I could have done. She is so selfish and unaware of it (I used to inform her and she got angrier) that she would just whatever she liked it seems, no matter what I said. In my case, I told her her family and relatives don't need to know our whole relationship''s details and she would still go to them or discuss issues with my father... but never to me. So in her case, I feel it was always lose no matter what. She has decided on a divorce even though my family agrees counseling and discussion between our families would be best. There seems to be no logic in remembering that 7 years has been spent dating (longer once the marriage gets k-lined) and no othere guy bothers to be her rock as I was. Now I feel that since he insists on a fresh start for the millionth time, I must disappear for good.

What do you guys think?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

We do the best we can, and we can always do better.  

The techniques are skills, they take practice. A lot of practice. They become part of how we relate to ourselves and to our loved ones, and to others.

Internalized, these skills transform our own sense of self, no small thing.

Initially, the skills are about having an effect on our BPD loved ones. Over time, they become part of our own overall emotional health.

We become the beneficiaries of this work, strangely enough.

There are a lot of variables, so this is not science.  

As you know, it is extremely difficult to work toward emotional health when the person you love is tearing herself and you apart.

It is very difficult to (effectively) love someone who does not love themselves. I used to think that described my BPD loved one, and then I realized it applies to me as well.

When you focus on taking care of yourself (loving yourself) and working out what it means to be emotionally healthy, then you're in a much better place to apply skills that can be effective in BPD relationships. I think that's why we can read such different opinions about BPD relationships. It can come down to whether or not the person opining turned the arrow around to face themselves.

That's pretty tough to do when the person you love is acting way worse than you.