Trying to deal with BPD D18 behavior (sorry long)

[Quick_silver]

Hi, I have been lurking for a while and decided to post because my BPD D18 put up a passive aggressive post tonight that hurt my feelings.
 I would like to talk to anybody else going through this. I feel so exhausted and really don't know what kind of saints populate this board, but I am to the point that I want to cut off contact. I can't probably do that without harming my relationship with my other daughter, though.
BPD D and I are *almost*estranged.
Our history: D18 has been raised by me (mom) with my exH in and out of our lives. I used to have a good relationship with ex H even though he was abusive to me  during our marriage. I have also kept D18 & D13 from knowing about abuse. Ex has taken steady but minimal interest in our children. Currently living 1500 miles away after reneging on a promise to stay living nearby, so he sees D13 only about twice a year.
D18 started lying and stealing at an early age, progressively getting worse, and doing it when there would be little or no benefit to her. She is scary smart, and skipped a year of school when small.
 Until she was 15 or so and admitted that she lied whenever she felt like it, I had not seen how extensive it was. D18 started cutting when 12, and I began therapy with her that year. No one would diagnose her bc she was "too young." Treatment was talk therapy, which she would usually refuse to do anything but make small talk and deny that anything negative was happening.
She had antidepressant meds, went through 4 saying they didn't help. I never saw signs of depression, she would say she "felt bad" all the time but always got up, ate, etc. normally.  Sometimes she would discuss how to try to stop cutting and say nothing worked. She would be furious if I invaded her privacy but also disgusted I didn't know every time she cut.
D18 was raped at 13 but did not disclose it even though we were in therapy. Sometimes I don't know if I believe that it happened because of other huge lies she told at the time and the story changed repeatedly. D stole from me, exaggerated medical problems/made them up, tried to sell Rxs, smoked mj, falsely accused my BF of assault (he was not even living in the same state with us and had no contact with her), told people she was emancipated, and posed half-naked online for presents from men, including lingerie. That is not even close to a full list of behaviors.
At 16 D attempted suicide and got close to succeeding. When she woke up in the hospital, the first thing she did was take a selfie with my tablet and try to get it posted online. When she came home I did the work to find her an inpatient placement, and my ex took her for a bit  to get her away from the situation and  because he and his wife could watch her more closely. She went to inpatient for a little over a month but came home to me every weekend. She had great behavior and wanted to come home right away. The Dr. Saw her twice and said PTSD, anxiety, depression. Her regular therapist at this point agreed it was BPD but the regular psychiatrist wouldn't diagnose that for under 18. She was  there only 35 days.
She came home and began to break every rule we set down. She was also failing out of school with 3 credits left to graduate. We couldn't leave her alone and had to put a lock on the outside of our bedroom to keep her from stealing. When she again falsely accused my (now husband) of assaulting her, we were investigated and immediately cleared but it could have lost us both our jobs. I told my ex he needed to take her, and he did,  then turned around and demonized me, didn't do any of what he told me he would, let her post how she wanted me to die and etc. Etc. Refused to talk to me about anything, didn't take her to a new Dr or therapist for months.
Eventually she reached out to me, and we had an uneasy relationship which got better over time. Since she left I took great care not to say or do anything that would offend her, always kept it  as light as  possible, positive. She vented to me about her father and I said nothing negative about him, tried to help their relationship. I sent her presents, cards, went out to see her and we had a good time.
She did graduate but wouldn't attend the ceremony. Got fired from a bunch of jobs but held one for six months and got a new one she has had for 6 I think. Living on her  own.  Recently she begrudgingly made time for us when on a trip (we traveled to see her as much time to get there as she spent with us) all seemed well.
Out of nowhere she informed me over text a month later that any contact from me upset her horribly and I had caused her panic attacks just by texting her over the last year. She was angry that I texted her I loved and missed her. After all, that couldn't be true.
 Then I had a small disagreement with my ex, so he lied to D about an unrelated thing, involving D in our dispute for no reason. D completely went off on me, threatened me, insulted me and tried her best to hurt me, wrote all kinds of ridiculous exaggeration about how life was with me. I was as neutral and minimal as possible. I even apologized as she demanded for my H' s behavior the night of the nonexistent assault.
Problem is she keeps talking to D13, who is anxious, jealous of how much attention D18 received for years, and now questions who is telling the truth even though she personally caught her sister stealing and saw the "assault." D13 is saying for me not to ever talk to her about D18. She wanted to go to therapy herself but D18 told her therapy was "for mom to yell at her for 90 minutes." And ex said he "didn't think therapists were very helpful."
Eventually she chose to go and I have stayed outside to "prove" I am not like that. I was right to do it, because ex grilled her and repeatedly praised her that I was not at the therapy "because of what her sister went through."
I was thinking of D18 tonight. She didn't respond to a card I sent after her blowup, and only answered a text when I told her about a relative's serious illness. Because I apparently upset her by communicating, I have not really tried.
I was going to text her that I would be happy to pay for a ticket home for Christmas. Then instead went on FB because it was late for texting. She had posted a crude meme about how to stay strong and not reach out to toxic people during the holidays, which I felt was meant for me since she calls me toxic to D13 and said before she thought I should be cut off.
I just can't handle this rejection out of nowhere. We used to joke and laugh and talk about so many things. It hurts to lose my daughter for no reason and it scares me that she may be poisoning my other daughter as well. I would like to be able to have a relationship with her but I don't know if I have it in myself to keep putting aside all the hurt after so many years.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

 

Hi Quick_Silver and welcome to the family.  So sorry you're having to go through all the drama that comes with this illness. Here you will learn you are not alone in your struggles.  To the right of this page you will find some lessons and tools that may help you along the way.  It seems you may have had some direction from therapy, but it's always good to refresh yourself with the knowledge. 
Another thing I found very helpful was reading through the stories of others, and the subsequent comments others posted.  One, it proved I was not alone, and 2 I could learn from others sharing their knowledge and experiences. 
I also found it very therapeutic to share here, and the more I shared... .the more I got in return.  Did it make you feel better to share your story?
Something to pay close attention to in this journey is yourself... .have self compassion and try your best not to be too hard on yourself.  Dealing with a person with BPD (pwBPD) is very mentally, emotionally and physically draining and the situation will negatively effect our health if we do not take the time to love ourselves. 
Though I do not have a child I have personal experience with in this arena, I have had 2 BPD significant others... .and I feel your pain with you.  Keep sharing!  We are here   

[Lollypop]

Hi there quicksilver

Welcome. I've found this forum and all the information on here to be my lifesaver.  I found the more I read then the more I understood about BPD and how I could help my situation and also my relationship with him.

I really relate to your story. I used to get caught up in the dramas and reacted to whatever was going on. Facebook was a nightmare for me. It really is a merry go round and no matter what I did to try and make things better things just got worse.

My BPDs moved out and back home again a few times. Drugs, lost jobs, poor relationships, depression and all I did was wag my finger at him. Our relationship broke down and reached the point where it was accepted I'd call every now and then to make sure he was ok.

I've learnt a new way since he got diagnosed at 24 and returned home.  We have a better relationship simply because I changed my own behaviours. He's currently stable and making progress and I believe this is a combination of him maturing, the environment I've created (I try to be assertive but caring) and his trust  in us not reacting to him and his mistakes.

Validation has been key to us as a family. I learnt how to do it and demonstrated consistently to my family. It's not been easy and it takes practise but it does come.

I've become the parent my BPDs needed not the one I thought I should be. I put our relationship first at the same time as stopping trying to fix him or his situation.  I wait patiently for him to seek help.

I stopped facebook interaction with my BPDs for a number of years. It caused me too much upset. 

My youngest son16 really resents his older brother and what he sees as the choices he makes. Family life is challenging and my son16 has been the problem more recently. Without the help and support here I doubt I'd handle it as well as I have.

Take care of yourself first. Try and get off the merry go round. There's a better way and there's hope.

L

[cmccrory]

Reading stories from other parents with BPD kids helps... .you are not alone.   D18 that tried for th 3rd time to kill herself driving her car into a pole.   She wanted to get back at all the people who were mean to her in High School!    We sent her to 3East in Belmont, MA -- private/$125K spent in 3 months to get her help, and I see her doing the same old stuff again... .She wants what she wants when she wants it... .My husband and I are on different page on parenting her... .He gives her anything she wants to keep the peace in the house,  I decided to remove myself from he life, and it has given me some time to think about my life and what i want to do... .I started seeing a therapist & working on me.    When I think about her childhood all that we did for her and gave her  - She is my only child -- adopted at birth - I wonder what if anything it meant to her.    When I show her pictures of places we have taken her, things we bought her, the reaction is "I don't remember that"   so cavalier and uncaring.   I can't believe I raised her for 18 years?     She got 2 fake ID's and told Dad she wants to go to college out of state  $25K per semester... .Doctor/counselor tell her to take baby steps -- take a few classes, live at home etc... .NO WAY   -- she wants the party life  -- she has issues with alcohol, drugs, sex, spending... .I say make her pay for it maybe she will take ownership, go to classes, do the work.    She hasn't been in a school environment for over a year -- finished 2 classes on line to get her diploma, but she is ready to take a full load of classes.     I dread Christmas and seeing her -- she is living with her Dad in VA now... .I bought her 1 gift -- PJ... .that is it.     I want to give her a card with a voucher for $125,000 that was spent for her residential treatment -- it was all out of pocket no insurance coverage... .she doesn't get it nor does my husband!