Hi marvelless
You're not alone with being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I too had some kind of inkling about my ex's problems at the start of my relationship with her.
It makes sense that you attribute his issues before to substance use.
If it seemed clearer to you than to others that he showed behaviours characteristic of borderlines, it's thought that such things are clearer to those in the 'closest' relationships to the pwBPD.
It's known to be difficult to identify BPD--even for practitioners--so this makes it even harder for partners like us (untrained) to see such things when they happen in front of us. So if you had difficulty seeing the issues--that's alright.
Breaking up with pwBPDs can be very stressful for the non, even with the issues we may ourselves have. The breakup with the pwBPD in my life was probably one of the most difficult experiences I've gone through with relationships.
I'd like to share with you that these relationships are known to be very entangling. I do believe that's true. They feel very "sticky" when it comes to the conflicts and the resolutions. That your work is involved with his family can make it even more difficult.
It's a good idea to start with decreasing your own hurt. Often, as the likely
caretaker-figure, we're expected to come from a stronger position than the subject of the caretaking. You would do well to start with the stages on the right. Stage 1 is
here.
Then, I'd think you'd do well to find time to ask yourself what caring about yourself means--then going about to do that. I encourage you to exercise self-compassion during this time.
I hope you have peace.
