I Broke NC...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So to give a quick preface, my exBPD and I dated for 15 months and by the end I had discovered, entirely through others, that she lied to me when we started dating about being physically abused in high school and the abuser's subsequent imprisonment. I was cheated on with at LEAST 3 men, but there are likely others. It has been my first breakup so I'm reeling but doing better. I am doing much better. Not well, but better. I was madly in love with this woman.

Two nights ago, as recovery is certainly not linear, I was feeling weak and really wanting to contact her. Really, what I wanted to ask was, "Will you one day, when we've both gathered distance, tell me the truth?" I had been riding about 7 weeks of strong NC and feeling good about it. I called her, assumed I might have actually been blocked, but called nonetheless, and to my surprise it started ringing. After the second ring, I hung up. Then I got an e-mail about the call asking if I was OK. I figured at that point I'd already broken the rule so I might as well just e-mail her letting her know it was a mistake. I said I accidentally hit her number when trying to contact an old manager and I thought I'd hung up before it went through. I just said have a nice night and since then, nothing. I plan on keeping it that way. Why is it that we want to contact these people? What sort of closure has your BPD ever provided you? Mine has provided NONE. Lies on lies on lies. Could it be some subconscious addiction to the emotional intensity that we seek to eliminate emptiness? I think the worst part of this relationship has been that I picked up some of her emotional tendencies and behavioral habits. Never was I this way prior.

[seeperplexed]

So to give a quick preface, my exBPD and I dated for 15 months and by the end I had discovered, entirely through others, that she lied to me when we started dating about being physically abused in high school and the abuser's subsequent imprisonment. I was cheated on with at LEAST 3 men, but there are likely others. It has been my first breakup so I'm reeling but doing better. I am doing much better. Not well, but better. I was madly in love with this woman.

Two nights ago, as recovery is certainly not linear, I was feeling weak and really wanting to contact her. Really, what I wanted to ask was, "Will you one day, when we've both gathered distance, tell me the truth?" I had been riding about 7 weeks of strong NC and feeling good about it. I called her, assumed I might have actually been blocked, but called nonetheless, and to my surprise it started ringing. After the second ring, I hung up. Then I got an e-mail about the call asking if I was OK. I figured at that point I'd already broken the rule so I might as well just e-mail her letting her know it was a mistake. I said I accidentally hit her number when trying to contact an old manager and I thought I'd hung up before it went through. I just said have a nice night and since then, nothing. I plan on keeping it that way. Why is it that we want to contact these people? What sort of closure has your BPD ever provided you? Mine has provided NONE. Lies on lies on lies. Could it be some subconscious addiction to the emotional intensity that we seek to eliminate emptiness? I think the worst part of this relationship has been that I picked up some of her emotional tendencies and behavioral habits. Never was I this way prior.

[Hisaccount]

It is totally an addiction. As I get out into the dating field some, dabble, I am dabbling.
You start to realize how unnatural our relationships where when they started.

I started out looking for that exact same thing, intensity, openness I had with her. Then I realized how unhealthy it was. Sure it was amazing but you have to remember it wasn't real for her.
Even if it was the switch has flipped and it may flip back but from what I read it doesn't sound like it stays.

So it is an addiction and it has to be broken to get over it.

I have the same problem, we are all in this together.

[Recovering480]

Today is another day, my friend. Start fresh. It is like an addiction.

I wanted to break NC all weekend. Especially Saturday night. I didn't.

She did text this morning and I replied.

I find when I think I might reach out, I keep myself occupied. The feeling will pass.

[heartandwhole]

Hi seeperplexed,

NC is not easy, and you seem to be doing well. There are setbacks, of course, and that's totally normal. In my experience, we often get great urges to contact when we don't want to feel something. It's a way to soothe ourselves, because sitting with the emotion that has arisen is very uncomfortable.

Next time you feel "weak," you might want to switch to a focused task for 20 mins. or so, to give the urge time to pass. If you can sit with the feelings and breathe through them, even better, but that is often harder than distracting ourselves.

I'm sorry you were betrayed and lied to. That is really painful and it takes time to come back from that. Hang in there. You can do this. 

heartandwhole

[Rayban]

If she's cheated and lied she will not give you closure.  It would force her to look into her behaviour, and she can't handle that especially if she's untreated.  She rather go on her way repeating the pattern with the next person.

Consider yourself lucky you decided to hang up and she didn't pursue the email conversation.  It sometimes very easy to get drawn back in. Just continue working on yourself and learn from this experience.

[once removed]

hi seeperplexed,

NC is not a rule. its one method of detachment, of many. it can also be fraught with anxiety and hard to stay grounded.

im a big fan of this article that explains more: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[seeperplexed]

hi seeperplexed,

NC is not a rule. its one method of detachment, of many. it can also be fraught with anxiety and hard to stay grounded.

im a big fan of this article that explains more: https://bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Wow, thank you. It is nice to be entirely reminded of the basis of this technique. Keeps things in perspective.

[lovenature]

She did text this morning and I replied.

This is breaking NC; doesn't matter who initiates the contact, ANY contact on our part is not maintaining NC. I know all to well because I replied many times even though I didn't contact my ex.
Best to block all areas of contact you can, and don't reply or show any emotion if contact is unavoidable.

[Recovering480]

I know. And I'm trying to figure out why I do it. I think there are three reasons why I reply (and ultimately why I fell for her so hard):
1) I'm a people pleaser. Always have been. Is it because of my upbringing and trying to keep my mother happy? I don't know. I've talked about that elsewhere and I really don't think I was attracted to my ex because of my mother. Hence, the replies too. If someone texts and asks a question, I feel like the polite thing to do is reply. I'm like that on social media too. If someone takes the time to comment on a post, I'll acknowledge it.
2) The thrill of the chase. I've never worked so hard, put so much thought/emotion into someone I was dating. I've been like since I started dating. I would get bored if the challenge wasn't there.
3) most of the characteristics of the BPD; charming, manipulating. She always knew exactly what to say or do to make me happy. Always. Granted, that could change within a heart beat. Hence, the replies... .I get worried about what would happen if I dont reply. More and more now, I care less. And I sit on it, the less the need to reply.

[once removed]

did yall happen to check out the article above?

emphasizing the "tactics" of NC can get us lost in the weeds. remember, its not a lifestyle, but a tool. use it carefully and thoughtfully, be honest with yourself and self aware in your process.

in many cases what we call "NC" is really just giving up the pursuit - the chase.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284223.20

[lovenature]

If someone texts and asks a question, I feel like the polite thing to do is reply. I'm like that on social media too. If someone takes the time to comment on a post, I'll acknowledge it.

This is fine and the polite thing to do when dealing with an emotionally mature person. When you are dealing with someone who has a serious mental illness, the emotional capacity of a typical 3 year old, you cause more pain for yourself and your PWBPD.

[butters]

What sort of closure has your BPD ever provided you? Mine has provided NONE. Lies on lies on lies.

No closure at all. Not even in the face of proof. Sure, there's been the odd 'hint at accepting responsibility', but it's been so slight, I wouldn't even count it... .'. Such as:

"I know I hurt you, but you hurt me too... .)"

 p.s. theres been no cheating on my part. So her line above carries no weight.

I'm sorry, but from what I've seen... .like other past relationships too sometimes i guess, get ready for NO closure from anyone but yourself.

Butters.