charming

[nonbpdis-m]

Hi, recently split from BPD female and experiencing the charming which I must say she is an absolute master at with promises of a perfect future if I decide to start over. Its extremely powerful and no one else can pull this off quite like those with BPD. I endured a lot of domestic abuse (violence, rage, controlling, gaslighting, triangulation, accusations of cheating) and we have a small child which complicates the nc rule.  I have so far resisted and am still away but the lure is almost hypnotic. Even tho I know its poisonous but the pitch to reconcile was like something out of a rom com word perfect. Any advice welcome as I need the strength to stay away for my daughters sake. I have contact and all I want is my daughter to have a good life. Thanks

[EaglesJuju]

Hi nonBPDis-m, 

Welcome. 

I am sorry that you are going through this. The aftermath of a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly painful.     I understand how you could feel that it is hard to resist your pwBPD. When we are being idealized, it can feel euphoric. It is somewhat like an addiction.

I am sorry that you endured domestic abuse. It is very difficult coping when your boundaries are crossed. How are you coping with the abuse?

I can understand how complicated it can be maintaining contact for the sake of your child.  How old is your child?

You will find that there are many people here that are going through similar situations. Sharing your story really helps.

[Lucky Jim]

I endured a lot of domestic abuse (violence, rage, controlling, gaslighting, triangulation, accusations of cheating)

Hey nonBPD, After being the victim of domestic abuse, why would you want to jump back in the toxic soup?  It can be poisonous, as you note.  I understand that your situation is complicated because your daughter is involved.  Yet if you go down a self-destructive path, it will be of no help to anyone, in my view.  LuckyJim

[nonbpdis-m]

Well it is completely irrational as I alluded to but she has this way of making me think things will be so different If I go back.  I'm not an easily led person and never have been but the temptation is definitely there.  I suppose I feel like I'm abandoning my family and selfishly perhaps want to have a happy life away from the stress of being involved with someone who treats me so bad.  I want my daughter to see a happy person not one grinding through each day waiting for the next hurricane.  My daughter is not even 1 so rather now than in a couple of years when they can see what is going on.

I know everyone says non-contact but that is not an option I have to avoid the bewitching ho0vering process

[Lucky Jim]

I suppose I feel like I'm abandoning my family and selfishly perhaps want to have a happy life away from the stress of being involved with someone who treats me so bad.

It's not selfish, in my view, to desire an abuse-free life.  You deserve it.  We all do.

I have been in your shoes, my friend, and understand the dynamic when children are involved.

"Waiting for the next hurricane," as you describe it, is no way to live.  I should know -- I was married to a pwBPD for 16 yrs.

LuckyJim

[hope2727]

Pay attention to actions not words. Seek therapy and get centred. Then decide.

[nonbpdis-m]

Yes I am having therapy and I have decided to stay away.  It will kill me not seeing my daughter every day but this is definitely the right thing to do I've no doubt.  I dismissed the ho0vering and proud that thus far I have resisted the urge to give in and re-enter the 'compound' after a successful escape

[Svarl1]

Keep your head mate, and don't give in!

In my experience the difficulty gets greater over the weeks because, if you grew up in an essentially trustful environment, you will begin to revert back to a normal trustful outlook. In most of life this is a great relief but when speaking with a PD person you need to quickly lift your shield back up, which will have been getting rusty!

If you ever DO get persuaded into a meeting, then for goodness sake insist on making it at a therapist's office where you enter through separate doors.

Good luck! 

[Skip]

... .I must say she is an absolute master at with promises of a perfect future if I decide to start over. Its extremely powerful and no one else can pull this off quite like those with BPD.

... .I endured a lot of domestic abuse (violence, rage, controlling, gaslighting, triangulation, accusations of cheating) and we have a small child which complicates the nc rule.  

... .I have so far resisted and am still away but the lure is almost hypnotic. Even tho I know its poisonous but the pitch to reconcile was like something out of a rom com word perfect.

You've been in this swirl for a while. Can you paint a picture of the last 20 months?

[nonbpdis-m]

You've been in this swirl for a while. Can you paint a picture of the last 20 months?

I've been living in what can only be described as 'volatility' (abuse, leave, h00vering, go back there... .rinse and repeat) for nigh on three and a half years.  I haven't got the heart to leave my daughter.  I know there are guys on here who have gone through this with children and I should be read more from their experiences.  There is also the aftermath which in some ways is just as volatile as the relationship itself.  Also christmas is approaching and for some reason she is even worse just before/around christmas time.  I think this has something to do with having an ldeal picture in their head about something and when it's not perfect they do not know how to comprehend the disparity between their vision of perfection and reality.  I am stuck with no way to go, all roads lead to hell it seems.  I am also currently being cut off from friends and family.

[Skip]

I'm glad you find solace here.

I've noticed that most of your posts are "hand wring". It's hell, no hope, zero, etc. She volital, broken, hoovering, etc.

You might want to try using the board for specific problem solving. Get help from members to use tools and perspective to mitigate the stresses you are feeling.

Just a thought. Deal in the specific.

[nonbpdis-m]

Yes it's all negative but without this board no one would really 'get' what I am saying or realise just how bad it is. I like many others are praying for a miracle that it will all come good one day or that they will 'see the light' but the truth is even a comet headed directly for earth would not alter the way of thinking of someone with BPD, its deeply entrenched it would seem.

[Skip]

Yes it's all negative but without this board no one would really 'get' what I am saying or realise just how bad it is. I like many others are praying for a miracle that it will all come good one day or that they will 'see the light' but the truth is even a comet headed directly for earth would not alter the way of thinking of someone with BPD, its deeply entrenched it would seem.

It is hardwired. We do get what yu are going through. You can problem solve here. And you can then teach your daughter the same.

All are true.