Greetings, new member here

[Five28]

Found out about this site from a car forum that I visit. I've already read a few posts and found them interesting and reassuring that I am not the only one who is dealing with a BPD spouse. It's definitely challenging and occasionally doesn't seem worth it. I'm mainly here to learn ways to minimize the outbursts and learn how to react so as to not set her off. Probably not going to help much and I think that the relationship will end one day but it can't hurt to try.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[malibu4x]

Welcome five28,

Yes, this is the club that no one wants to be in.

It's definitely challenging and occasionally doesn't seem worth it. I'm mainly here to learn ways to minimize the outbursts and learn how to react so as to not set her off.

Can definitely relate.  Learning how to not react, or to respond in ways that keep things smooth is what it is all about for me right now as well. 

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

How long have you been married? Are there kids involved?

What usually drives the conflict?

Sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site. Changing our own reactions can prevent things from getting worse. We're here to walk next to you and share some of the skills that can work.

LnL

[Five28]

Welcome and hello 

How long have you been married? Are there kids involved?

Married for 36 years.   Kids are grown.

What usually drives the conflict?

Everything and anything. A quick example was from a few months ago. She was telling me something and I was facing her, looking directly at her. I happened to glance out the window for 1/2 second when I saw someone pass by the window, and this simple act caused her to lose it. Another example was when we walked into a local hardware store. The store policy is for the checkout person to greet customers. So we walk in and this teenage girl says "Hello", and I respond in kind. Only once we get back in the car do I realize that the wife is fuming because "I must know this girl". I mean seriously, I'm 61 and she's worried about some 17 year old girl. A few days later she went back there for something else and came home with a guilty look on her face after she realized that these young girls working checkout say hello to everyone.

Sorry for what brings you here, and glad you found the site. Changing our own reactions can prevent things from getting worse. We're here to walk next to you and share some of the skills that can work.

LnL

Thanks. I'm looking forward to learning some of these skills, even though I am a bit pessimistic about anything making much of a difference.

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome! Even if the tools you find here don't save or fix your marriage, they will still be useful for you.

Married for 36 years. Has it been like this for most of that time, or have things changed?

Once "anything or everything" starts or triggers a blowup, how long does it last and how violent is it?

[Five28]

Welcome! Even if the tools you find here don't save or fix your marriage, they will still be useful for you.

Thanks.

Married for 36 years. Has it been like this for most of that time, or have things changed?

Things have definitely changed for the worse over the years. I've realized that my wife, along with her older brother and younger sister, have all been afflicted with BPD. My sister in law (wife's younger sister) also suffers from bipolar disorder. How my brother in law maintains his sanity is beyond me. My mother in law (deceased for about 5 years) also had this problem, so my guess is that there is a genetic component involved. Two other siblings seemed unaffected.

Once "anything or everything" starts or triggers a blowup, how long does it last and how violent is it?

Anyway, she does not get violent. She just gets really angry and either yells a lot or gets quiet and goes up to the bedroom and avoids contact. She'll bring up stuff from 20 years ago and doesn't seem to think there is anything unusual about this. She usually goes back to normal in a day or two. What makes the situation worse for me is that she has been off of work for over a year so I no longer get peace and quiet for 8 hours a day anymore. Basically there is no escape. 

[oshinko maki]

I'm mainly here to learn ways to minimize the outbursts and learn how to react so as to not set her off.

For me, minimizing interaction minimizes the outbursts. How to react? After recently joining this group, I am trying to react maturely, no matter how outrageous she may be. It is helping me with self respect, and helping to minimize her acting out even (I think). Either way, be mature yourself, and get out of the relationship if at all possible and as soon as possible.

[Grey Kitty]

What makes the situation worse for me is that she has been off of work for over a year so I no longer get peace and quiet for 8 hours a day anymore. Basically there is no escape.

You can leave the house when she's not fit company to be around. Is there something that stops you from doing this during the day these times?