No amount of calculators or brains can calculate how to approach the situation

[TheRemedy]

Hello everyone!
I have been lurking for about a month, and this is my first post. Its been emotional and intense reading through hundreds of forum posts and feedback. I'm sure plenty here can relate to the feelings of terror and simultaneous relief when you discover BPD for the first time.

I have been with my wife for 4.5 years, married for 3, with no kids and no plans on having any (100% mututal). In our first year of marriage I recall only one single conflict that did linger for a few weeks, but that is all. Since marriage it has been an absolute storm.

The undiagnosed BP in my life is my beautiful wife. She can be pretty self-depricating but high functioning with no suicidal tendencies or high risk behaviors. Her primary BPD traits are extreme sensitivity to rejection, BPD rage episodes where she is overly critical, emotionally abusive and striking with her words (not physically abusive)... as well as very poor follow through with any plans she makes, in fact she may be worst person I have ever met in my life when it comes to this. She can literally wakeup say she is going to do W,X,Y & Z, with confidence, lay out a plan and everything, and then within minutes talk her self out of each thing one by one. She used to ask me to hold her more accountable, I mean she used to tell me that I should be the one that makes sure she follows through... .but it ended up in huge fights when I did, so I pointed this out to her and now I watch the show unfold before my eyes on a daily basis regarding plans... .it's fascinating. I feel that she like she may be different from many borderlines in that she got into the performing arts before she was 10, so that may have become her identity while she was still in the stage of creating her identity (or in the case of BPD, feeling like you have none). For this reason she does not feel the same emptiness and darkness as many BPs, this is atleast my theory. This still does not takeaway from the fact that she is CONSTANTLY criticizing my actions and will simply not entertain the idea in any conversation that she can possibly be at fault for anything. In her opinion all our relationship problems are based on the fact that I am not emotionally open... .It is my responsibility to go to therapy to find out what is wrong with me emotionally. Im studying medicine and she's been acting in theatre and now going to school for film and television her entire life... .I am not a dramatic BPD personality, ofcourse I am not as emotional as her... .she expects me to hate the people she does with the same intensity of hate... .i simply can't.
I spend hours thinking about tiny interactions, because, as many can relate, so many miniscule non-issues have turned into such significant blow-outs over the last 3years, that almost every situation in my life is tainted with anxiety and fear of being reprimanded. Picking up groceries (that's a big one I'm sure MANY can relate to)... .last week she said why do you always have to ask me what I want, why can't you just get stuff that you know I will like? we all know the answer to this one)... .asking her to take out the dog while she is watching TV, so i can continue studying... .people coming over and the tidiniess of the apartment... .I can go on and on, but every aspect of my life is associated to something I did wrong or soomething I failed to do or say and then caused her to get so upset.

I have accepted the fact that in this relationship it is impossible to be myself... .I have to be put so much thought into every action and everything I say, and despite this it seems to backfire. I seem to live in an elevated and anxious state whenever my spouse is around for fear of doing and sayign the wrong things. I came across the 4 stages of the end fo a relationship, unfortunately I am in Stage 4... .when I read about stonewalling my jaw dropped and I balled for like 15 minutes. I was reading a description of my day. Literally hiding in the bathroom from the firing squad of criticism.

I have become so in tune to my wifes state that her rages and reactions have become so incredibly predictable. Despite this, my words seem to constantly be skewed to demonstrate that she is the victim to husband who cares nothing for her feelings. Tonight while she was in an episode i took her hand and put it on my chest to show her that despite me being calm my heart is racing at nearly 200BPM, she asked me why, I told her im trying to have a conversation but you are yelling at me, she backed off right away and apologized.It didn't stop her from repeating the same thing she just said 25 more times. It is so frustrating when you are told that you you feel something that is untrue or told what my motives are when she is legitimately not correct.

I just want to feel comfortable like I once did, Something I;m sure many here can relate to, the feeling of losing yourself to try to please somebody's endless barage of criticism. I can't believe I accepted how she treated and though it was normal. The wizard of oz analogy was another one that hit home so hard, it could not be more accurate. lifting the curtain and realizing the wizard and his BS yellow brick road was simply an endless game of chaos... .

That is my vent... .the question is should I tap my shoes together 3 times and go home or make it work with the wizard? Sorry i know I didn't say much good about her, she really is an amazing woman, but dealing with high conflict every day will slowly kill me... .it is so far from who I am, yet seems to be exactly who she is (ofcourse she will tell me that I am the argumentative one in the relationship)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRemedy]

I realize in this forum I should not be posting stay or leave, so Ill leave here a point that help people understand what advice I'm looking for. I feel like at some point my wife's goal became to prove not everything, but so many of the things I would say and do are crap... .  simply trying to defend myself as being a good worthy husband for her, since then my life has been like the movie Hurtlocker... .I haven't even seen it but I know it's about defusing bombs. I wish my life were more like a movie other than the wizard of Oz or hurtlocker. Does anyone else feel the same way?
How do I go back to feeling comfortable in my marriage with my wife like I used to. I married her because I felt like I could really do and say whatever I wanted around her, and I could really be myself... .now I feel like I have to speak through an industrial filter attached to my face and have to practically rehearse my interactions with her... .it's a terrible feeling. Thanks for listening. As you can see I am using humor to try to make light of it all, but this is all very grave to me.

[flourdust]

Hi, TheRemedy, and welcome! Yes, many of us (myself included) have experienced a lot of what you describe.

I realize in this forum I should not be posting stay or leave, so Ill leave here a point that help people understand what advice I'm
How do I go back to feeling comfortable in my marriage with my wife like I used to. I married her because I felt like I could really do and say whatever I wanted around her, and I could really be myself... .now I feel like I have to speak through an industrial filter attached to my face and have to practically rehearse my interactions with her... .

The hard truth is that you can never go back to that level of unguarded relaxation. If you determine that you want to try to stay in your marriage, then you can try to use some of the tools that are available through the workshops here, as well as in highly recommended books such as "Stop Walking on Eggshells." You may be able to learn new ways of interacting with your wife that will help defuse the tension and keep her emotional reactions from escalating to open conflict. But, this best case scenario will always necessitate some level of self-monitoring of your communications.

[CrazyChuck]

I feel like I have to speak through an industrial filter attached to my face and have to practically rehearse my interactions with her... .it's a terrible feeling.

I sometimes wonder if people think I am mentally challenged when they hear me speak to my wife. Because I constantly pause and think about the outcomes of the next sentence. And sometimes I will just stop talking mid sentence. Or end a sentence with I'm sorry, just to be safe.   

[livednlearned]

Hi TheRemedy,

It feels so personal to be attacked -- there is often a kernel of truth in the attacks. At the same time, she is playing out a script that predates you. It's not really about you.

She probably doesn't trust anyone, and everything is a test (and confirmation) of this reality. You could do everything right and still there will be tests. The goalposts will constantly be moved.

You can be on the field, you don't have to play the game.

One thing your post made me wonder -- she does not feel you are emotionally open. She may be in an emotional free fall and look over to see you very neutral, calm, and feel that she has to get you wound up so that your emotional state matches hers.

Sometimes, you can head this off by mirroring back to her a more animated facial expression and add inflections to your voice. Our instinct is to balance out the high drama with calm, when the opposite is what they are seeking. She wants validation from you that her feelings are ok. This intense defensiveness about her feeling state is where a lot of BPD behaviors go off the rails.

You may feel as though you are acting, and perhaps it is to some extent. My T pointed out that I tend to mask my emotions, and that being more animated is actually helpful to others in general, not just BP.

When she comes to you with a story about so-and-so who did xyz, and made her upset, you can validate her without siding with her. Validating questions can be very helpful for this.

These may be a few small things that help just enough to help you build some emotional strength. These are not easy relationships, and it sounds like you might be in med school? The two combined probably don't leave a lot of time for yourself. How do you take care of yourself right now? Maybe we can help brainstorm some ways to make you a priority for yourself.

[TheRemedy]

Hi TheRemedy,&

These may be a few small things that help just enough to help you build some emotional strength. These are not easy relationships, and it sounds like you might be in med school? The two combined probably don't leave a lot of time for yourself. How do you take care of yourself right now? Maybe we can help brainstorm some ways to make you a priority for yourself.

Hey livednlearned,
Thanks for the great reply. Currently I am in medschool, and yes do I ever have my hands full. Luckily my wife does noes.not have any jealousy issues, so going out with friends to decompress and maintain my health (limit going out to 1-2×/week in general).
Med school has been a challenge since day 1. I always felt like she was very supportive in general, but not very respectful of my time, would constantly talk to me while studying (still does), and tends to disrupt me lots or get me to do chores while studying. She also doesn't have a driver's license, so all along driving her to work, picking her... .looking back I don't even know how I managed it all and also did so well at school. My issue is I never set many boundaries in the beginning, mainly because Im a pushover, but also because my wife is a talker, so I adapted seemingly to integrate her disruptiveness into my life.
She spent 80% of all her time at home, so she did most of th chores, but I would have to hear about every single one, and hiw time consuming and exhausting it was to keep tidy our tiny apartment. Now the roles reversed, so I do 80% but also studying 24/7. Medical school has not been my challenge, it's staring at my work thinkig about stuff and all the bottled up things that we can never say, as not to start issues. How do I work on that? Clearing my head and focusing?

[livednlearned]

I cannot say enough about mindfulness. Does your school offer mindfulness-based stress reduction classes?

I went through a phd program while caring for a BPD loved one, and kept wistfully looking at the MBSR classes, wishing I had the time to take a class. Eventually, I did, and it was a window into a whole new way of taking care of myself. In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), the research-based treatment for BPD, they teach mindfulness and it applies equally to people living with and loving someone with BPD. Having what they refer to as "wise mind" helps you find your way back to this stillness so you aren't constantly on this anxiety conveyor belt to nowhere. 

If you can, make the time. If you can't, then maybe download the Insight meditation app and do some of the guided meditations, or body scans, and teach yourself.

This is the single-most important thing I did for myself, and not to be too melodramatic, but it changed my life.

I wish I started back when things were insanely stressful.

[Hisaccount]

I have no great words of wisdom like everyone else posted, I just wanted to add that you are not alone, we all have been there.

I often thought of my relationship like a chess match, Like you pause before you respond I did that. In fact I would think about where her next 5 or 6 responses would be, or what I thought they would be before I ever responded.

I was always good at figuring things out. Finding a solution.
There is no solution to a BPD spouse. Just survival the best that you can.

[ortac77]

One thing your post made me wonder -- she does not feel you are emotionally open. She may be in an emotional free fall and look over to see you very neutral, calm, and feel that she has to get you wound up so that your emotional state matches hers.

Sometimes, you can head this off by mirroring back to her a more animated facial expression and add inflections to your voice. Our instinct is to balance out the high drama with calm, when the opposite is what they are seeking. She wants validation from you that her feelings are ok. This intense defensiveness about her feeling state is where a lot of BPD behaviors go off the rails.

You may feel as though you are acting, and perhaps it is to some extent. My T pointed out that I tend to mask my emotions, and that being more animated is actually helpful to others in general, not just BP.

 

This is a problem to me, probably rooted in my dislike of conflict but I also have lived my life trying to 'feel my feelings' without reacting knowing that they will pass or that they are informing me that I need to change something. I would find it uncomfortable and difficult to try and be so being animated and excitable just to show that I am validating. It would come over as false and probably exacerbate a situation that is already unmanageable.

This maybe makes me highly logical, I believe also that problems have solutions that can be worked through but highly charged emotions do not allow for this.

I admit I also find it very difficult to validate something that simply is 'invalid' - I don't have a problem when the upset is understandable I do however have a big problem when my partner has created the problem for himself.

[livednlearned]

There are entire books on how to validate -- it's a concept that is easy to understand, not quite so easy to do effectively.

For example, it doesn't work if not accompanied by empathy. It can come across as patronizing.

And validating the invalid is to be avoided. Though this is probably where there is the most confusion, because the idea is to validate the feelings, which simply means acknowledging them as real.

It's easy to confuse that with agreeing or accepting a false reality.

[KatieLou]

Welcome, and I'm sorry for the struggles you're going through. My uBPDh is high-functioning enough that we were years into our marriage before we hit a real crisis point and I realized what was going on. In retrospect there was definitely a pattern to our difficulties, but I could only see that after I knew what BPD was. Just having that information helped me understand how many of the things I was doing in response to his angry outbursts and feelings of abandonment and persecution were throwing fuel on the fire.

In my experience the accusation of not being emotionally open is a common one. Many times my husband has become upset because he doesn't feel I'm emotionally connected or doesn't believe my feelings are appropriately strong for the occasion. I found out years afterwards that he was very upset that I hadn't cried at our wedding. He saw that as a lack of love for him. When an ex of mine claimed me as a spouse to get cheaper car insurance (we found out when we tried to update our own policy) the fact that I wasn't screaming and outwardly furious made my husband believe I actually still wanted to be with him (I am just not a screamer - it did make me hugely angry and I took immediate and very definitive steps to make sure he never used my identity again).

Anyway, I think it can be puzzling to our spouses that we are not as much under the sway of our emotions as they are. I consider myself a very emotional person, but a lot of it - particularly the most negative - is not very outward-directed. I think he just doesn't get that.

Also, I think we sometimes learn to protect ourselves somewhat and might be more guarded (by necessity) than we would be with a spouse or partner who isn't BPD. I have been burned many times by sharing something close to my heart only to have it trigger a negative response and then I find myself being attacked. It doesn't really engender unguarded openness.  

As others have mentioned, staying in a relationship like this means you and your wife will have a different kind of emotional intimacy, a more mediated and calculated relationship, than you likely ever expected to have with a spouse. Over time I have found ways to be fulfilled by what my husband is able to provide. I know that's not something everyone wishes to do. As others have mentioned, self-care is essential, and is probably not the easiest in your current situation. I wish you the best, wherever this takes you.

[Walkabout73]

Dear all,
what I´m really asking myself, also from my own experiences with an UexBPD GF, is, how these experiences we all, that are posting here, have/had with a BPD partner effects our Selfs on a deep level... .because from social sciences we know, that the self is dialogical/social constructed... .and as the great humanstic philospher Martin Buber said: "Through the Thou a person becomes I." So which kind of "I" do we develop by experiences constantly a "BPD Thou"? When we cannot open up our fellings, our experiences of us, of the relationship, of the world with our BPD partners, because we have constantly "playing chess" with them, thinking about, how we can trigger them (and try to avoid that), and how they can paint black, when we honestly open up... .what happens to our Selfs, if we cannot develop a mutual depper relationship with our BPD partners/thou?