Out of ideas

[Oncebitten]

I am out of ideas, for months I have been trying to earn her forgiveness for what I did after she broke up with me.  I have apologized, I have been repentant.  I have taken every tongue lashing she has doled out in hopes of satisfying her anger... .and yet forgiveness is only granted in short bursts.  Never fails, something comes up and triggers those thoughts.  Once that happens I am reduced to once again being the worst man on earth, an man unworthy of her, a cheater, a liar, a pathetic excuse of a man.  Can you earn forgiveness?  Can you help someone heal when you are the source of their pain.  Can you ever really get a fresh start with them?

I am out of ideas, I have chased and tried... .to no avail... .How do i get her back?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I think you can never be forgiven. A BPD will hold onto this as a "reason" to justify when they feel bad.  You can try to impose a boundary: whenever she brings it up simply state "i am sorry that i hurt you. i have apologized for that and am moving forwards in our relationship. I will not discuss it anymore"

It probably wont change anything but you cant lose... .

[Oncebitten]

yeah I was afraid of that... .anytime an outside force triggers those thoughts... .its right back to square 1.

[Oncebitten]

had a breakthrough with her... .things were looking up... .convinced her she could depend on me... .missed a text by an hr... .now I am blocked

[obliv326]

This kind of raises an issue, then. I think most of us who find ourselves caring about someone with this disorder are going to do something that they consider to be a betrayal. In my case, I got upset because we had a long distance relationship, she came to town, and hadn't made plans to see me even though I had paid for her plane ticket. I was probably engulfing her and had been for awhile, but I didn't even rally know what BPD was, so I reacted like someone who was hurt, and berated her. She felt hurt and when we talked awhile later, she said that "she wasn't over that", even though I think most people would think what she did was a much bigger offense, and even if not was directly responsible for my actions.

We've recently taken some steps that appear to be good, but does this mean I'll never be forgiven and she'll always feel this about me? And I'm sure almost everyone has a similar story where their pwBPD's behavior pushed them to an angry place and they lashed out. Are we all doomed to never be forgiven?

[Oncebitten]

obliv


often wondered the same thing... .can they really grant forgiveness?  Or are we unforgivable every time something triggers those emotions.

[Notwendy]

OB, I can't help but wonder that, since you are looking at your GF for forgiveness, put this in her hands, you have given her immense power and control over your. You seem to want to do anything and everything to earn it, and she appears to consider it- and then not. Basically, you gave her a carrot on the stick.

I think that forgiveness comes when you realize it isn't her right to give that to you. You have no control over whether she wants to forgive you or anyone- and you have put your own sense of happiness in her hands. I think forgiveness will be there for you when you realize it is you who makes the choice to forgive yourself.

If you could only forgive yourself- I think you have done all you can do, but you are human. You are not Superman- there in a flash, leaping over tall buildings, using your superpowers for her. And it is her to choose to not forgive you for not being everything she wants when she wants it, but I am not sure that is possible. Humans can only do the best they can.

You are a caring loving person, but I think that when you can see yourself through these eyes, and not the eyes of someone who sees the world through their own feelings, you be able to not seek this affirmation from her.

[Oncebitten]

Notwendy

I have only sought her forgiveness and been willing to do anything and everything for her as a means to move forward.  I know I am not a bad person, despite what she says.  I know that honestly, I have done everything a man in my situation could do to earn forgiveness (and then some).  I have forgiven myself for what I did, my sins during the r/s are no worse than hers.  Sometimes I think she feels guilty for what she did and projects that on to me. 

It just hurts you know, I have tried so hard to be everything, and yet seem to fall short everytime.  I love her beyond words.  But then something happens, and her first move is to break up with me, block me, and turn her back on me.  How does a person do that? 

IDK I just wish someone could tell me what to do.  I have chased and chased, bc I felt that was what she wanted from me.  To prove that I love her.  And yet it has never been enough.  I know many here believe that I should simply work on detaching and move on.  Perhaps that would be best, but its not what my heart wants.  Right or wrong I love her and I want her back.

[Swhitey]

It is so painful to love someone so much and to be made to feel like you are the source of all their pain. Only to ask for forgiveness and not recieve that. I am so sorry that you are experienceing that pain right now. I can't tell you what to do, but I hope you follow your heart and if you want to try to make it work and have a relationship, I say go for it, as long as it is respectful, of you and of her of course.

Inotice that the theme is that of forgiveness. I have an idea about what forgiveness is... .Forgiveness, is a way of thinking. It involves a lot of mindfulness and introspection, present moment awareness. In my experience many people (BPD or not) have a difficult time with forgiveness and dealing letting go of the emotions that fuel the inability to truly forgive someone. For most people the intesitiy of the emotion fades, but simmers under the surface and they can move on with their life, only to have the emotion come out in unconcious ways. As I understand it people who suffer with BPD have a difficult time letting emotions even fade and live with these intense emotions all the time.

I had a cathartic experience with forgiveness a few years ago that helped me truly forgive someone who I felt had wronged me, hurt me deeply.

The first girl I fell in love with, broke my heart and she cheated on me. Oooh I was so angry. So hurt. I got over her and moved on. It wasnt until about 14 years later, after dealing with my own depression and being in CBT therapy that I was learning things, and taking initiatives on my own like meditation and mindfulness. One day someone was talking about being cheated on and it triggered me. I began slowly contributing to the conversation, but became increasingly angry and started saying nasty, nasty things about the girl who cheated on me 14 years ago. I was angry! here's the thing... .through all the mindfulness I had been researching and practicing, I caught myself in the moment. I wasn't living by my values, being mean and nasty, saying terrible things about someone. That is not me. In that moment I began the process of looking at why I was angry, and objectively recalled the past. Quickly I began to reframe my idea of what happened and realized that we were both young and inexeperienced, she wanted out and didn't know how to say it. I got hurt but I survived. Was she a nasty person? No. I changed the way I thought about it and I changed the way I felt about it. It was like a huge weight had been lifted and it felt great. I still don't like to hear about cheaters, but I no longer have the anger that drove my behaviours for so many years.

I think it is enormously more difficult for people who suffer the symptoms of BPD to forgive, just by reading the articles on this disorder re-enforce this idea. I think DBT (mindfulness) therapy and with a commitment to one's self, will greatly aid people who have or share traits of BPD of letting go of the destructive emotions that they carry and feel so intensely all the time. We can all benefit from mindfulness but it takes practice, all the time. We can lose site of this too when we are in a relationship with someone who experiences BPD. If we seek forgiveness from others, first we must learn what it feels like to truly forgive someone ourselves.

[Oncebitten]

Painful indeed, yes I understand how forgiveness works... .however its not on me.  Its up to her to reposition it in her mind... and so far she has been unwilling to do that.

[Sunfl0wer]

Pardon the late chimes... .

Just want to say... .

Sometimes all we can do is all we can do.
After that... .
Let go... .
of the outcome.

[Oncebitten]

Sunflower

no pardon needed. 

I know you are right... .just wish she could put her doubt aside, believe me and then she would know.

[Sunfl0wer]

I know you are right... .just wish she could put her doubt aside, believe me and then she would know.

I hear ya

Just wanting to wish you some peace

Tough stuff
I am sorry

[Oncebitten]

thanks

[obliv326]

I'm wondering... .is there something we can apply from what we learned that might help here? It seems like his GF is basically holding him hostage. I wonder if this could be a time to draw a boundary... .maybe explain that you understand that you made a mistake, that you aren't perfect. You are sorry that you hurt them, but you have apologized. You have done everything in your power to show this, but they are the ones keeping it alive, and it isn't fair. So maybe, if it comes up again, you tell them that if they need something else from you that they need to let you know. Otherwise, you expect to move on. If they bring it up again, detach yourself from the conversation and say that you are not going to discuss it further, and you'll talk to them later. Any chance this would work?

[Sunfl0wer]

It seems like his GF is basically holding him hostage.

Except a hostage cannot get away.

Just as his GF can choose to behave kind towards his attempts of gaining forgiveness or not.

He too has choices.
They are his choices to make.

We cannot make someone choose what we want just because we feel it is best or a better choice.

Those are not things we have control over.
We only make choices for us.

(Release the rest for peace.)

[Oncebitten]

Sunflower

I know I hold myself hostage with her bc I wont let go... .thats not lost on me one bit.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunflower

I know I hold myself hostage with her bc I wont let go... .thats not lost on me one bit.

I suspect as much.  Not trying to rub your nose in it or anything.
Guess I was stating as much for poster of that.

I respect you have a process and feelings you need to deal with.
I suspect you are left sorting those out... .sitting with your feelings, and experience.

*Just quietly sitting, if ok, as u sift in case comforting/supportive on some level*

[Oncebitten]

Sunflower

I process my feelings daily, and despite the advice of many here... .I am not ready to let go and quit just yet.  I know that I bring this torture on myself.  But I still believe in a future with her. Perhaps my devotion is misplaced, perhaps I am a fool.  But that is for me to figure out.  I do appreciate the support though from you and everyone here.   

[patientandclear]

It's more that you are making it possible for her to mistreat you and engage in behaviors that are destructive to you and the relationship. Have you read Stop Caretakind the Borderline and Narcissist? If not, it might be a timely read.

[Oncebitten]

I think I shall go get it now!