That if there is chaos I am free to shirk responsbility for my own life happiness and success.
Yes, I certainly feel this sentence.
My answer... .
I grew up in a sense of constant crisis. I often feel so competent in a crisis at times.
Example: Guy few days ago was looking like he was having a heart attack. He was in denial. Told me several times he was fine. Yet his face color, his sweat all over him, his focus was odd, spacey, and well, I just knew his body wasn't right, nor his mind. I called 911, and from there he got help he needed. (Turned out to not be a heart attack but other medical crisis)
There were lots of logistical things to cope with in the moment.
I was in my element.
Could think clearly, easily and focus on what needed to happen.
I felt... .
good
Useful
Needed
Accomplished
In my FOO, I was taught to relinquish all feelings of my own, own needs, and tend to the crisis or perceived crisis around me.
I simply learned to be GOOD at this!
Like a golf player loves golf.
But who sucks at the sport and loves it?
Idk, maybe some
Looking back at my r/s with my ex... .
Then other life situations I have been in... .
So much of me "rescuing"
Can also be classified as me
"Escaping"
Escaping the discomfort of sitting with myself, knowing who I am, can be without the function of rescuing, being there for another and all.
I ask myself... .
If I am not helping another, who am I?
Am I nothing?
Why have I allowed that?
It is all I have known.
Ironically, I often feel extremely competent with certain chaos
Certainly feel talented in comparison to those whom chaos is unfamiliar to. Lol
I was raised for a purpose
That purpose was to serve the emotional, financial, other stuff... .Needs of my mom.
(I was in foster care, my presence created mom a subsidy/income, then I was expected to be a bit of her caregiver)
So yea, to be by myself
My thoughts
And experiences
And not be engaged with helping another
Can be really uncomfortable for me
And something I work on
In working on self care and self love.
I wonder if you have similar thoughts