Why am I addicted to chaos?

[Depression = 72% of members]

One my the startling revelationsas I have started recovery from codependence in 2016, has been my addcition to chaos.

That if there is chaos I am free to shirk responsbility for my own life happiness and success.

Its why I chose a Borderline spouse. The chaos felt natural. andI could blame her if things didnt go exactly well.

Now she is out, I have no excuses. Time to man up and accept that this is my life to live. These childish ways are old. It's time to be a man.

[Moselle]

One my the startling revelationsas I have started recovery from codependence in 2016, has been my addcition to chaos.

That if there is chaos I am free to shirk responsbility for my own life happiness and success.

Its why I chose a Borderline spouse. The chaos felt natural. andI could blame her if things didnt go exactly well.

Now she is out, I have no excuses. Time to man up and accept that this is my life to live. These childish ways are old. It's time to be a man.

[Fie]

Hello Moselle,

Great threat !
I think I was addicted to chaos too. Not for the same reason as you though, as I am rather someone who takes up too much responsibility, also when it's in fact someone else's.
I think my reason was that I could try and 'fix' someone that way. And in a way make up for the dysfunctional relationship with my parents. And of course I was also groomed to do that: take responsibility for my mum's emotions.
And you are right, it did feel natural didn't it ?

I was up till let's say one or at most two years ago, a bit attracted to dangerous situations / people. You know, the chaotic type. I started to be afraid that I would always attract BPD (because I did !). Now I am relieved to say that I recognize them from far, and I run for the hills when I see one. Actually, I think I sometimes overdiagnoze and I 'recognize' them when they are not even there. Maybe I should start a separate threat about that.

[Sunfl0wer]

That if there is chaos I am free to shirk responsbility for my own life happiness and success.

Yes, I certainly feel this sentence.

My answer... .

I grew up in a sense of constant crisis.  I often feel so competent in a crisis at times.  

Example: Guy few days ago was looking like he was having a heart attack.  He was in denial.  Told me several times he was fine.  Yet his face color, his sweat all over him, his focus was odd, spacey, and well, I just knew his body wasn't right, nor his mind.  I called 911, and from there he got help he needed. (Turned out to not be a heart attack but other medical crisis)

There were lots of logistical things to cope with in the moment.
I was in my element.
Could think clearly, easily and focus on what needed to happen.

I felt... .
good
Useful
Needed
Accomplished

In my FOO, I was taught to relinquish all feelings of my own, own needs, and tend to the crisis or perceived crisis around me.
I simply learned to be GOOD at this!
Like a golf player loves golf.
But who sucks at the sport and loves it?
Idk, maybe some

Looking back at my r/s with my ex... .
Then other life situations I have been in... .
So much of me "rescuing"
Can also be classified as me
"Escaping"

Escaping the discomfort of sitting with myself, knowing who I am, can be without the function of rescuing, being there for another and all.

I ask myself... .
If I am not helping another, who am I?
Am I nothing?
Why have I allowed that?

It is all I have known.
Ironically, I often feel extremely competent with certain chaos
Certainly feel talented in comparison to those whom chaos is unfamiliar to. Lol

I was raised for a purpose
That purpose was to serve the emotional, financial, other stuff... .Needs of my mom.
(I was in foster care, my presence created mom a subsidy/income, then I was expected to be a bit of her caregiver)

So yea, to be by myself
My thoughts
And experiences

And not be engaged with helping another
Can be really uncomfortable for me
And something I work on
In working on self care and self love.

I wonder if you have similar thoughts

[Fie]

There were lots of logistical things to cope with in the moment.
I was in my element.
Could think clearly, easily and focus on what needed to happen.

Strange, I am also good with crisis. Sometimes in situations I see everyone panic and I am able to keep calm. So maybe it's origin is my FOO... .never thought about that. Thanks for pointing it out.

And not be engaged with helping another
Can be really uncomfortable for me

Also there, possibly same dynamics. I recently was traveling without my daughter for 3 weeks. I found it unsettling to have no one with me to be responsible for / take care of. So I started taking care of the other group members   :-)

It does not really bother me, though. What does bother me is that I often think about not doing enough for my child, and feeling guilty about it.

[valet]

Hey Moselle, don't be afraid to give yourself more time. You're making important realizations. You'll need time to process and actuate those ideas... .and that won't happen overnight.

In my experience, the longer I keep myself away from high-conflict or otherwise dramatic people, the more that I instinctually see my distaste for them. Granted, life is full of challenges and we shouldn't avoid these personality types to keep ourselves emotionally safe (we can do that on our own), but we do get better at seeing where certain people belong in relation to us. We also get better at choosing to keep them there.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

[HappyChappy]

I grew up in a sense of constant crisis.  I often feel so competent in a crisis at times.  

Me too. And sometimes I wonder if we subconsciously create a bit of chaos, as it's familiar to us. I remember reading that's chaos and crisis was the familiar place and hence the safe place for a BPD. But we can change and now we're getting older and aware of this, I would agree with Moselle, I need to stop going there.
 

[enlighten me]

I hate chaos and I think for me that was part of the reason I got involved. I like to make order out of chaos. I like to fix broken things and improve efficiency. Maybe a little OCD on my part.

The problem is its not a chaos that can be fixed. Its constant. For me it was like gardening (which I hate), no sooner have you got it looking neat and tidy it decides to grow or drop leaves or do something to undo your hard work.

[Moselle]

no sooner have you got it looking neat and tidy it decides to grow or drop leaves or do something to undo your hard work.

Which means we can to back into fixer mode. We're good at it - so maybe that's why it's addictive to me. I feel validated.

OK awareness is a first step. Now what?

Being good in a crisis is not necessarily a bad thing . I think it is a problem when as Sunflower says, we start subconsciously creating the chaos so we can fix and validate that way.

I'm learning that to identify my purpose helps me steer clear of chaos instead of attracting it. I have a purpose to fulfil. I really dont need the distraction  of chaos in my life . So I want healthy, positive, uplifting people in my life who help me with my purpose, not cluster 2 takers who distract me.

Unfortunately I'm realising my FOO fit in the chaos category.  

What's your transformative step to heal from this addiction to chaos?

[enlighten me]

For me the solution was easy. I got of rid the garden figuratively speaking.

[Fie]

For me the solution was easy. I got of rid the garden figuratively speaking.

Same here. And as I have been living with less chaos around me, I started noticing I like it that way now. It became a habit.
Whereas I attracted cluster B personalities up til not so long ago, I now walk away when I notice them (and boy I do notice, they are everywhere  :-) ).