Hi and a little about me and my situation

[MyFathersSon]

Hi,

My significant other (of almost 17 years) has a personality disorder. She also suffers from other psychological problems; Anxiety, Depression, Ptsd and addiction. To complicate matters, she suffers from many physical and chronic issues; Her gastric system has problems from mouth to anus, she has a spinal injury that has been operated on 5 times. She has other medical problems, but it's sometimes hard to tell what is causing most of her symptoms.
    I have been with her for almost 17 years. She wasn't like this when we met, but after she got injured in 2005, her life and health has taken a turn for the worst. It seems like a perfect storm, her physical symptoms make her psychological symptoms worse and vice versa. Sometimes I feel she is having a mental problem disguising itself (to her) as a physical malady. (But I can't tell her this, no, that would be very bad). I have done much research, and there seems to be a link between BPD and chronic pain. The theory goes that the same or sympathetic part of the brain that regulates emotions, also regulate pain.

A little about me: I am her licenced caregiver as well as her partner. I have my psychological issues as well. I have ADD. I have had it all my life, but only knew what add was about 16 years ago. I got diagnosed and sought treatment. Like many psychological maladies, there is no cure, I can only hope to control symptoms. I am also a member of mensa (and I have always thought of it as a cruel joke for God to bless me with this mind and to give it ADD. It's hard to explain, but it's like having a Ferrari with a regulator that won't let you go over 60mph. I feel that that explanation falls short of what my disease does to me, but it will have to do for now.

I have also read that ADD is a relationship killer and that BPD is also a relationship killer, so I hope you can imagine the eggshell laden tightrope that I traverse on a daily basis.

I'm going to end this here, but I hope that you get to know me, and possibly help me on my journey.

Not sure how we handle names here, and hoping not to violate any rules,

MyFathersSon

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi there MyFathersSon,

You are welcome here. I'm glad you found us and hope that you will find the comfort, support, and information that many of us have.

It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate, so to speak. Being a caregiver and partner of someone with a number of conditions is very demanding and I am sure must be exhausting at times.

Have you others to rely on for support or just to give you a break? What is your day to day life like? You don't mention children? Are there any specific issues or problems that you would like members to help you with right now? Feel free to get into the nitty-gritty of what you need.

We all help each other in whatever we can here. Stick around and read around the site, both the Boards and the resources (here on the right in the panel is a good place to start) to orient yourself. 

Take care. We look forward to getting to know you better.

[MyFathersSon]

thank you vitiminc.

Unfortunately I do not have any support with my responsibilities, and having ADD makes it even tougher. A typical day for me? I wake up, have some coffee and a smoke at my computer, shortly after that, the drama begins. She will start complaining about her various maladies, I will ask her if I can refill her hot waterr bottle, give her a massage, apply a lidocane patch etc... (hoping to relieve some of her symptoms). She will refuse any of my attempts to help her, insist she needs medical attention, I will offer to take her to the hospital, she will tell me that it hurts too much to travel, I will offer to call the paramedics, she will tell me no. If she has an appointment scheduled for that day with a specialist, there is a 50% chance she will not go (many specialists will no longer schedule appointments for her). She will blame me for being lazy for not finding the medical help she needs and will complain that I let her spend 1105 (or whatever the current count is, yes she keeps a record of that) days in bed while I watch her die. (Though no doctor has ever given her a fatal diagnosis, and if they did, she would want to pursue her right to "death with dignity", she actually mentions death with dignaty to evry new doctor, social worker, therapist, or anyone who will listen). by 10:30 or so, I feed her (she never (almost never, avoiding splitting) knows what she wants to eat), at 11:00 she takes her large medication dose, by 12, she is asleep, at 1:15 I wake her for her laxatives, then I am free to do what I want or need to for the day, which often is unwind from the stressful day I've had. And that's a good day, on bad days she is violent and sometimes kicks me out of the house.

Thankfully no children, though I do have a daughter from a previous marriage that my BP destroyed my relationship with, and I have grandchildren (not sure of the number, names or sexes) that I have never seen.

Do I need help, you bet. But on the bright side, I know that I am not responsible for her behavior, (didn't cause it, can't control it, can't fix it), and that I must work on myself. I will continue to research her conditions, and try to find doctors that can help her. But it is my opinion that until she addresses her psychological conditions, no medical doctor will be able to fix her. And I'm cool with my opinion being wrong. I am currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells". And also know that I am responsible for my own happiness (I am fluent in Zen).

Pardon bad grammatical errors, math is more my thing.

[VitaminC]

Hello again,

That sounds like a limited and limiting life for you. Being a full-time carer even for someone who is reasonable to be with and appreciates what you are doing is hard. Doing these things for someone who is mentally ill, demanding, and to some degree responsible for isolating you is not good for you at all.

How do you feel most of the time, MyFathersSon? What would be a better situation for you; I mean by that what would a typical day look like to make it something that you could not only bear but even take some joy in? 11 years is a long time to have your life shaped by these concerns, duties, and pressures. I imagine this did not happen overnight, but developed gradually into the current situation?

Are there any support services of which you could avail? A nurse or similar who calls once a day and relieves you of your duties? A respite home which your SO could make use of once or twice a week? I know that there are many practical issues in caring for someone who is disabled, not the least of which is access to services. It can take a lot of work to figure out where to turn for help with these and to arrange things can nearly be a full-time job in itself, for which a carer might lack energy. Have you checked around? Can your doctors advise?

It is good that you know you are not responsible for your SO's behaviours. Stop Walking on Eggshells should help to shed some light on how you can make some changes to your part in the dynamic and maybe also begin to look after your own needs more.  The "Lessons" over here on the right ---->
are also quite useful, if you wanted to have a look. Fluency in Zen is something I wish for myself; if you know of a fast-track way to become accomplished, do let me know

I am sorry to hear that you have no contact with your daughter or your grandchildren. Is that something that weighs on you?

Can I ask what the significance of your chosen name here is?

[MyFathersSon]

Hello Again VitiminC,

Indeed I do feel overwhelmed at times, and I am reaching out and trying to improve myself. (As I have done all my life). And yes, things have progressed over time, a gradual decay which is also discouraging because I feel that she is causing much of her suffering while blaming it on others.

I have signed my BP up for an in home nurse, PT, in home social worker, Behavioral Trainer, and Councillor. These people come in and relieve me occasionally, I also get to go out when I shop, and I am working towards pursuing some of my many hobbies when I can.

I am MyFathersSon because I admire my father more than anyone. He helped shape me into the man I am. (and I look a lot like him). Yes, one day I hope to re-establish contact with my daughter, and it does weigh on me, but for now I battle squirrels and alligators. (Squirrels are the symptoms of my ADD, and Alligators are the many responsibilities that I have (from the saying "When you're up to your arse in alligators, it's hard to remember that you need to drain the swamp".)).

I must admit, your post made me laugh. 

"Fluency in Zen is something I wish for myself; if you know of a fast-track way to become accomplished, do let me know"

I presume that you did not intend that to be a joke, yet it IS funny. Why would you want to fast track Zen? (I began my journey at age 16, I'm 53 now). Are you seeking the secret to happiness? (I know it). But lessens in Zen are not "on topic" for this board, Perhaps I could give you some things to ponder in a PM.

MyFathersSon

[VitaminC]

Hi MFS,

Just quickly as I'm at work. I *did* mean that to be funny, re fast tracking Zen, so I'm glad it made you laugh.

Glad to hear that you have some support anyway. How do you think the members here can help you along further?