BPD daughter in law / my co-dependent son / their two boys

[Grampy]

Hello everyone, My son is married to a BPD ( togeather for 11 years ). My son  (our only child) and I are were very close before her, we did a lot of outdoor activities (fishing and hunting). We have done nothing since she came along. She seems to want to start trouble within the family - mostly with me. I put up with a lot of her crap just to keep peace. Two years ago at Christmas she was unbelievably ignorant to us. I called her on it and told her that her behaviour was ignorant and totally unacceptable and rude. Boy did all hell break loose then - she stormed out of the room, balling and crying as if someone close to her had been murdered. She then sent me an e-mail telling me that she no longer felt welcome in our home and that they would no longer be visiting us. We will still get to babysit the boys when it suits them. Yes, our son seemed to go along with this. Right after this our oldest grandson who was 5 at the the time, started to act distant and strange around me (not his nanna though). The younger one who just turned 5 in the summer, started acting the same as his brother all of a sudden just recently. I believe Miss BPD has something to do with this. I can handle the BS with my son and her, but the current situation with my grandchildren is breaking my heart. Thanks for listening, I feel a little better.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, grampy.

I can hear how painful it is for you to not be as close as you used to be with your son and to feel your daughter-in-law may be trying to turn your grandchildren against you. Have you been able to speak with your son privately about your feelings? Has his wife been formally diagnosed with BPD?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Notwendy]

Hi Grampy- It seems you have had a good relationship with your son and grandsons and it is sad that these relationships are impacted by their BPD mother. While I realize the sadness in this situation, another reaction I had reading your story was that I thought is was great that you didn't walk on eggshells around her and put up with her behavior. If your son is doing this, then he is setting this example for your grandsons. You, on the other hand, are being true to yourself, not just saying her behavior is OK and showing your sons and grandsons that people don't tolerate that.

Unfortunately, there is an emotional cost to this if people we care about are enmeshed with a pwBPD. On the other hand, there is also an emotional cost to walking on eggshells and enabling unacceptable behavior. When we are in a relationship with someone with BPD we aim to balance these two in the way we can- try to diminish the conflicts/enabling while maintaining boundaries. That balance may differ for different relationships. Sometimes the situation is so difficult that we choose to have no contact with the pwBPD- but in your family situation, that would also include your son and grandsons. It would be very hurtful.

I've witnessed the kind of scenes where you reprimanded your DIL. I was afraid of standing up to my BPD mother-because of the resulting reaction and my father would be angry at me. But eventually I had just had it with accepting behavior I didn't want to tolerate, and I just let her have it. I recall losing my cool with her, telling her off- probably years of wanting to do this and being afraid to. I had been trying to establish stronger boundaries for a while and my parents were angry about this. One one hand, it felt good - to show her I would not tolerate how she treated me. Her resulting reaction was to distance my father from me.


I didn't know about the Karpman triangle at the time and that, in addition to the black and white thinking - explains the dynamics at play here. Had I known about this, I would still have established boundaries with her, but also been aware of the potential results. I may have been able to do it a different way. Yet, we only know what we know at the time. You didn't either. Yet, I realize it is important to stand up for myself- and it was important that you have your boundaries too.

When you reprimanded the wife, she perceived you as Persecutor. In general I think pwBPD take on victim perspective. Your son is her rescuer. The kids are too young to understand this. They naturally are going to do what their parents want at this age.

But not for long. Teens have a mind of their own. This is where your role is crucial I think. I noticed that you get to babysit the kids and that is wonderful for both of you- and it can make a huge impact on them. My father was in a similar situation as your son is. As we kids got older, we challenged BPD mom. We were good kids, but as you know, teens tend to challenge their parents. For one, we became aware that our mom didn't act like our friends' mothers, that some of her behavior wasn't reasonable to us. When school was out- my father's family welcomed us. We spent many school breaks with them. They were important role models for us.

You can't change the issues with your DIL or your son's choices. But you are showing your grandsons a different way to relate, to not be co-dependent. I say " you go Grampa!" However, I think it will help you to learn about BPD, the family dynamics involved and the relationship tools so that when there is interaction- there is less conflict. I hope it will help you to relate to your son better. He is in a tough situation- trying to hold his family together. I know he cares about you- my father cared about me and his family, even if he is in this situation. Being a calm and steady presence still makes a difference.

Don't get into the triangle with your son or the boys. It will put them in a bind - to choose her or you. When you have the boys, build a relationship between you and them- take them on your outdoor activities. It may not be as often as you wish. They may be acting distant, but they still hopefully will enjoy spending time with you- and even some time with you as a role model can make a difference.