I dream that my wife will settle and accept me again

[Lost@49]

I have been married for over 20 years to someone that has been my best friend for the vast majority of that time. I too have children that I have been very heavily involved with, including caring for them from sunrise to sunset every Friday since they were born through all the preschool years (the best times of my life), enjoying every moment of every weekend with them, presenting multiple talks to each of their classes from preschool to year 6, doing tuckshop duties, and having the highest possible level of involvement with them at every opportunity since. My wife and I have had a fantastic marriage for most of this time.  There were very rare episodes that followed a pattern that could be seen with BPD, but these were uncommon enough that there was no overall problem.  We have shared so much in life and have so many good memories together.

Over the last 3 years or so my wife has had intermittent manageable background medical issues (mildly increased blood pressure, hormonal changes, a serious dystonic reaction to Maxalon that took a long time to recover from, migraine type symptoms).  These were a strain on her, made her much more inwardly focused and unfortunately weakened an originally very strong relationship.  This caused what could be seen as typical BPD type symptoms to become much more pronounced to the point that I had no reserve left.  :)uring this time I was cut off from my entire old family in order to keep the peace and we were also largely cut off from all of our friends (certainly all of mine). Last year things then got much worse in that both our children, our 15 year old son and our 12 year old daughter, became unwell with life changing illnesses (Crohn's disease - still difficult to manage, and progressive scoliosis needing extensive spinal fusion surgery respectively).  Since then my wife has displayed nothing but very typical BPD type behaviour towards me full-time.  Worse still she has become very enmeshed with our son and occasionally directs very negative attention against our daughter also, with all the positive attention (never negative) directed toward our son.  I have been most definitely "split black", to use the term that I have now encountered, and following back-to-back repeated calls that my wife made to me on my mobile while I was at work asking me why I hadn't left yet, and increasingly aggressive behaviour toward me at home, including both verbal and non-verbal threatening behaviour in front of our children, I have been forced out of the house and am now being progressively cut off from our children.  Her mother has similar tendencies and also took to walking in the house at any time to criticize or comment negatively to me, occasionally also telling me that I should go.

I cannot go back to the house in the dysfunctional state that it had become, particularly given there is a tendency for my wife to also act out against our daughter when she is worked up and I am trying as best I can to avoid that.  My wife now quite clearly states that she just wants a divorce (with the house, all of our savings and all of my continued income), has said little more than a couple of sentences to me over six months, and usually looks at me with nothing but a very vacant unfeeling expression. I cannot bring myself to close the house down on my children, or for that matter on her, and cannot bring myself to make the children move as long as she treats them well.  As a result I have nowhere proper to live, am socially isolated and have no residual income left to spend after paying all costs for her and my old home (despite actually having a very good income overall).

I cannot believe that she cannot remember a single good time that we have had together, or that she now says that she only married me because I was bugging her.  We had so much.  Fundamentally I love the person that I married, my intended companion for life, and have been completely faithful to her in all ways at all times.  That person is no longer there.  Is there any way that I can somehow reconnect with the clever, kind, compassionate person that she once was? Did you have any success?

We all have to make our own decisions and all our circumstances are very personal and different.  I promised to be with this person for good or for bad, and I meant it.  :)oes this then include when the bad includes an inaccurate thought process that consumes the entire personality of the person involved and becomes unacceptably destructive for several other people?  What if the outcome was triggered by the oculogyric crisis that she had to the maxalon and was truly not in her control? I know that she must be suffering greatly in her emotions, but she has chosen a support network (her immediate family) that does not include me and also includes elements of BPD type symptoms within her chosen support network that have also turned against me.  

I fear that if I do not remove myself from the cycle that our family had entered the risk that my daughter will follow the same pattern later in life will be very high.  If I return the behaviour from my wife is unacceptable.  If I stay away will my children (particularly my daughter who is treated by my wife as second to my son) think that I have abandoned them?  Of my original family group my daughter is the only one who has truly remained in proper communication with me, with genuine concern for my welfare.  I understand my son not doing this, as boys are more like that, he is smothered in attention from my wife, he is at a difficult age anyway, and has plenty on his mind with his own schoolwork and illness, but I still worry about them both and try to keep in contact as much as my wife will let me.  If I leave I will only be able to keep my old house running "as is" for so long.  This also worries me.

I dream that my wife will settle and accept me again so that we can recover our lives together, grow old and enjoy life together and both be there together for our children for as long as we can.  In reality I am almost certain that this cannot happen, as there has been some very unacceptable behaviour that is very difficult to overcome and as I very soon have to come to a proper living arrangement for myself,  repair my own significant psychological damage, and try to reset my overall life outlook.

I feel for you and hope you and your family did well, either together or in peace and harmony in other ways.  Were you able to reconnect in some meaningful way?

[Mutt]

Hi Lost@49,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm so sorry that you're going through a difficult time. As I was reading your post, I was thinking of how many similarities your story has with my story and how I could have written it.

My ex was often jealous of my r/s's with my family and friends. These were long term r/s's with people that knew me for over years at that time and I didn't understand why she was acting the way that was at the time. She caused a lot of conflict if I talked to some family members that in her mind, rejected her. A pwBPD expect that others are going to reject them and will reject others before they're rejected.

The easiest solution at that time was to.stop talking to family members and friends for the sake of peace around the house. I thought that it was one less opportunity for her to pick a fight. The downside of this was it was making me miserable. We all need to connect with other people, people that love you unconditionally, we also need to loved ones as a part of self care and happiness.

Her mother has similar tendencies and also took to walking in the house at any time to criticize or comment negatively to me, occasionally also telling me that I should go.

I would feel embarrassed, frustrated, angry and small if my MIL would triangulate by rescuing her  D and casting me in the role of persecutor in my family home and told to leave my own house. I don't blame you for not wanting to return back to the dysfunction.

I cannot believe that she cannot remember a single good time that we have had together, or that she now says that she only married me because I was bugging her.  We had so much.  Fundamentally I love the person that I married, my intended companion for life, and have been completely faithful to her in all ways at all times.  That person is no longer there.  Is there any way that I can somehow reconnect with the clever, kind, compassionate person that she once was? Did you have any success?

You said earlier that you were split black and you are right. Being split black is a slow process it doesn't happen all at once, the same can be said for being split white.

A pwBPD will idealize or put their partners on a pedestal at the onset of the r/s. The non disordered partner sometimes wants their disordered partner fo return back to that state where they idealized their partner ir return to a state that is permanent. Its not a healthy r/s when a partner disordered or not disordered puts their partner on a pedestal.

My advice is to let go of that notion of your wife because realistically she is both people, the loving person and the person with misdirected anger.

I know that she must be suffering greatly in her emotions, but she has chosen a support network (her immediate family) that does not include me and also includes elements of BPD type symptoms within her chosen support network that have also turned against me.

They share a similar distorted belief system and I'd like to add that they probably enable each others dysfunction.

You'll find many members here that have walked a mile in your shoes and can offer you guidance and support.

How self aware is your wife? Is she interested in getting help?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lost@49, Welcome!  I will echo Mutt and reiterate that many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  Much of what you describe is quite familiar to me.  In my view, each has to find his/her own way out of the BPD Forest.  We're not here to tell you what to do, though maybe we can point you in the right direction.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  You are the expert on you.  Suggest you make an effort to be more caring and loving towards yourself.  It's easy to use up your reserves in the throes of a BPD r/s, so try to pace yourself.  I kept going until I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, which was no help to anyone.

LuckyJim

[Lost@49]

Thank you for the replies Mutt & LuckyJim,

Still no improvement.  I will just have to own my own problems and move on as best I can under the circumstances.  Given the choice my wife has always chosen being "right" over being "happy", and this has now played out over issues that we simply cannot recover from. I just have to accept the fact that while I enjoyed the time being "split white" (unaware as most would be during that phase that this may also not be normal), the process has now completely reversed and I am simply no longer going to be tolerated in any form.  There is no sign that there is ever going to be any normal middle ground.  I just take that as a fact now and will just have to do what I can with the circumstances I have.

Interestingly enough in my opinion "Who's to blame?" always comes down to "From what starting point?". There are plenty of starting points where I would be the one to blame, earlier ones where I am not, and earlier ones again where I am again.  This is a pointless exercise where no-one ever agrees.  I suspect that it is a common trait with suspected BPD that blame should always be found.  This makes finding solutions or simply forgetting and moving on very difficult to achieve.  Avoid this if you can.

Wishing all of those people out there dealing with similar or analogous difficult circumstances all of the very best for an outcome which restore purpose and happiness in life for all concerned as best as possible.  Every situation is highly personal.  It is very important to seek advice, comfort and help as often as we need, but we have to own our own decisions and solutions as ours alone to make.

Thank you for the replies.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lost, Agree, playing the "blame game" with a pwBPD is generally a No-Win situation, because they will say or do anything to avoid blame.  Just the way it is, in my experience.  Suggest you decline to participate.  When she says it's your fault, you could say something neutral like, Well, that's your opinion.  Agree, its about finding one's path out of the BPD swamp.

LuckyJim