Closure

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It’s been two weeks no contact, but I still find myself ruminating and processing the ending. It’s been an 11 month break-up, but I’ll start here, two weeks ago.

Him: I’ll always remember you. Why can’t I say hello? All the best.

Me: This is what I mean by ambiguous, this is what I’m trying to explain to you. Your words and continued contact are confusing, they give me hope, and keep me hanging on, hope that somehow we can solve this. We are over, almost a year now, and both of us need time and space to recover.

Him: There is no ambiguity. I haven’t been pursuing you. I just wanted my money back (for a trip he paid for two years prior). L, I have moved on. I care for someone else now. I loved you very, very much, entirely and it’s sad. If nothing else recent communication should demonstrate it wouldn’t work between us. I really wanted it to. If you have had gone with my plan we would be moving in together now. Sorry. R

Me: No need to be sorry. It’s all ok truly. Thank you for clearing the air. You have moved on so no more ambiguity. I can finally move on from someone I loved very much too. I can release with grace. Take care of yourself and Happy Christmas.

Him: Happy Christmas.

No surprise that wasn’t the end of it. We ‘both’ started up again.

We discussed his teenagers and adult child and how he’d used them to keep distance between us. He said that he’d given it some thought and that this must have been “confusing and agonising” for me. I said I understood and suggested that he was using it to control his fears, of abandonment and engulfment. That perhaps he should look into this if he wanted it to work with his new girlfriend. He didn’t deny it or get annoyed which surprised me. Perhaps by this stage he didn’t care. He just said he’d learned from it and was sorry for not being more aware. He went on that we both had enough scars, said “you’re a very beautiful lady who is kind and generous. Be all you can. Love you. R”.
 
Me: Thank you. Love you too and wish you much happiness.
   
Him: That’s good. It still hurts but I must stop communicating because I am with someone else and I know what we had. I know it was real. Goodbye L. I would please like you to think about completing a PhD. It would consume you, you need something to focus your immense intellect upon and fulfil you. Please reach for it. I know what happened and how unfair it has been. You are immense go get em.

That’s it. Makes a change from being called an untrustworthy liar, who was always “casting” around for other men, but it was a complete swing to the other end of the scale.

That was my closure and I should be grateful. Many here never get this. But two weeks on I’m still sad and tearful, worse angry and resentful at times. I think he knew what he was doing all the time. He likes hurting me. Him telling me to do a PhD makes me want to scream at him. As if this is a solution to my lost career. He knows what he did and he knows he was partially responsible. I’d worked so hard to get where I did and less than a year of being with him it was gone. I need to take personal responsibility for dropping the rope, but he was a tornado of destruction in my life and I was blindsided. I feel so angry and worse, the anger turns to tears and I feel helpless to pick up the pieces. He’s gone, but now I’m left to face the destruction. It was a war and I lost. He won and I was just an attachment after all.

I am feeling sorry for myself for sure, but tomorrow is 2017 and I’m going to try my best to work something out, get on my feet. I wish the same for everyone here.

Happy New Year everyone.   

[Larmoyant]

It’s been two weeks no contact, but I still find myself ruminating and processing the ending. It’s been an 11 month break-up, but I’ll start here, two weeks ago.

Him: I’ll always remember you. Why can’t I say hello? All the best.

Me: This is what I mean by ambiguous, this is what I’m trying to explain to you. Your words and continued contact are confusing, they give me hope, and keep me hanging on, hope that somehow we can solve this. We are over, almost a year now, and both of us need time and space to recover.

Him: There is no ambiguity. I haven’t been pursuing you. I just wanted my money back (for a trip he paid for two years prior). L, I have moved on. I care for someone else now. I loved you very, very much, entirely and it’s sad. If nothing else recent communication should demonstrate it wouldn’t work between us. I really wanted it to. If you have had gone with my plan we would be moving in together now. Sorry. R

Me: No need to be sorry. It’s all ok truly. Thank you for clearing the air. You have moved on so no more ambiguity. I can finally move on from someone I loved very much too. I can release with grace. Take care of yourself and Happy Christmas.

Him: Happy Christmas.

No surprise that wasn’t the end of it. We ‘both’ started up again.

We discussed his teenagers and adult child and how he’d used them to keep distance between us. He said that he’d given it some thought and that this must have been “confusing and agonising” for me. I said I understood and suggested that he was using it to control his fears, of abandonment and engulfment. That perhaps he should look into this if he wanted it to work with his new girlfriend. He didn’t deny it or get annoyed which surprised me. Perhaps by this stage he didn’t care. He just said he’d learned from it and was sorry for not being more aware. He went on that we both had enough scars, said “you’re a very beautiful lady who is kind and generous. Be all you can. Love you. R”.
 
Me: Thank you. Love you too and wish you much happiness.
   
Him: That’s good. It still hurts but I must stop communicating because I am with someone else and I know what we had. I know it was real. Goodbye L. I would please like you to think about completing a PhD. It would consume you, you need something to focus your immense intellect upon and fulfil you. Please reach for it. I know what happened and how unfair it has been. You are immense go get em.

That’s it. Makes a change from being called an untrustworthy liar, who was always “casting” around for other men, but it was a complete swing to the other end of the scale.

That was my closure and I should be grateful. Many here never get this. But two weeks on I’m still sad and tearful, worse angry and resentful at times. I think he knew what he was doing all the time. He likes hurting me. Him telling me to do a PhD makes me want to scream at him. As if this is a solution to my lost career. He knows what he did and he knows he was partially responsible. I’d worked so hard to get where I did and less than a year of being with him it was gone. I need to take personal responsibility for dropping the rope, but he was a tornado of destruction in my life and I was blindsided. I feel so angry and worse, the anger turns to tears and I feel helpless to pick up the pieces. He’s gone, but now I’m left to face the destruction. It was a war and I lost. He won and I was just an attachment after all.

I am feeling sorry for myself for sure, but tomorrow is 2017 and I’m going to try my best to work something out, get on my feet. I wish the same for everyone here.

Happy New Year everyone.   

[earlyL]

Hi Larmoyant,

With it being new year and all the emotions that that brings, i can see why you are feeling low. But I really read your post as so inspirational and positive. Your responses to his text messages are incredibly mature and something that I think a lot of us wish we were able to be more like. You did not take the bait as it were and start a drama - which I suspect he was probably hoping for, sub-consciously or not. I am new on this forum as I am suffering in a current dBPD relationship but I have read so many of the posts and this one really helped me to see how hard it is to be strong, but that is what I want to be. I can very much understand why you feel angry and confused by his phD remarks, they are not really appropriate from him, and really it says more about him mentioning it. I think you should be very proud of not responding in a defensive way, that is not easy.

One of the things I have learnt and loved most on this forum is about how the brain can only deal with one emotion at a time. Take comfort in that, allow yourself to be angry but know that will lessen and today is a particularly hard day to be getting through. I know it won't all be singing roses tomorrow, but it is another day. Life has so many possibilities, and chances to feel a different emotion to how you are now. Give yourself some time and be proud of what you have achieved so far, it feels to me that you have come a long way and you have given me strength in writing your post.

Louise

[Keef]

Hello Larmoyant. I agree with Louise Wilson. You did well there I think.

Although my and the ex gf's break up (she left me) was only over a month ago, I can relate to your feelings here. I too have only recently experienced what you so fittingly call "a complete swing to the other end". It surprised me reading the e-mail she sent me the other day after 4 weeks of low contact. Thinking about it, and with the kind help of others here on the board, I realized this was a possibility for closure - as much closure as we'd get from eachother. And so I replied to my ex gf's e-mail yesterday, trying not to go into defence mode etc. Trying to release in a respectful and loving way.

Apart from the frustration and grief and resent and anger, how do you feel now that you've released with grace? Can you hold on that insight and feeling? I'd anyhow humbly like to congratulate you on your way to healing.

I understand that his comment about your PhD makes you mad. My ex really succeeded in pushing my buttons between a couple of lines in her final (?) e-mail, such as indirectly blaming me for the demise of the relationship. I didn't act on it. I wouldn't be surprised if my non-reaction triggers her. But I am as confident as I can be at the moment that this now belongs to her, it's her problem.

It was a war and I lost. He won and I was just an attachment after all.

Yes, I know where you're coming from. Many of us here have been at war. We've been the Enemy. The Mediator. The Ally. All of those in turns and sometimes at the same time. But yes we did lose in the end - atleast that's what it feels like in the now, until we've healed. Because I'm confident you will look back at this one day without feeling like you were defeated/that you lost.  

And that said, you did get the opportunity to release in a graceful way.  

Stay focused and strong and kind. Take care.
Happy new year  

/Keef

[Lonely_Astro]

A couple of weeks... .even a couple of months really isn't enough time to process fully the loss of a relationship. Add in the intensity that a cluster B relationship brings, it certainly isn't. We loved a person and that person loved us, as unhealthy as it was.

I work with my ex (diagnosed BPD and with my replacement). I have to see them every working day. I got closure, as hollow and unsatisfying as it was. She was seeing my replacement (her words) before we officially ended. While closure is important, I want those reading to know it doesn't always help.

It's been a full year since our end. She's tried to start things back with me several times in this past year. While I still love the her I knew, I also know the her I see isn't that person... .not anymore. I still process that loss every day. I've moved on and so has she, but what I'm trying to say is you'll be processing it all for awhile. It just doesn't end because the R/s is over. We all move at our own pace and when it's "time", it will be time.

What's important now is you feel the feelings and process the emotions. Take care of yourself, after all that's the only person you are really responsible for. Keep healing and keep posting

[Keef]

What's important now is you feel the feelings and process the emotions. Take care of yourself, after all that's the only person you are really responsible for.

True and so important. Nice reminder.

[Keef]

Larmoyant:

I know it may sound strange that my being so fresh out of my r/s would recognize healing. This r/s was recycled late in the summer after a period of NC during which I felt the first notions of new freedom and strength again, before falling back. Of course I hadn't healed completely. You will get past this.
Keep posting.

[lovenature]

It was a war and I lost. He won and I was just an attachment after all.

The disorder is always the winner; neither the non or the PWBPD want to cause pain, but when the illness runs it's course that is the outcome for both partners-very sad.

While I still love the her I knew, I also know the her I see isn't that person... .not anymore.

It was always the same person that has a serious mental illness; when we experience idealization it is pure bliss, then devaluation is so confusing and hurtful-the push/pull tears us to pieces. Truth is BPD was running it's course with a willing partner.