Friends & Family Outside of The BPD Relationship

[Skid80]

Hi

I have recently been in contact with my BP as we are both on a break at the moment & are trying to work things out & be better people for each other. 

I have found that most of my friends & family are not all for our relationship & keep on telling me to maintain NC & move on. 

The thing is I still lover her & care about really deeply that I can't do it.  My friends tell me that if I decide to have a relationship with her that I will loose them as friends (as they don't want to hang out with her). I am living with one of my best friends & he has been there for me when things have gotten difficult.

My BP had a major outburst a few months ago & threatened both myself & my friend, I have tried to explain BPD to him but he doesn't seem to care.  He has said that she cant come over anymore & has really put me in a hard spot as I really want things to get better between me & her. 

Has anyone lost friends over your partner because of her BPD & what would you do if you were placed in my predicament. I just want everyone to get along & have an understanding of her illness so they can see i'm trying to be supportive of her & her DBT.   

I just don't know what to do as I can't move out & I can't go over to her house either because she is in a share accommodation, Don't know what to do, any help would be great.

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi Skid,

Does it feel as if your friends have your best interests at heart? They are likely acting out of concern for you, I imagine? However, forcing you to choose between your BP and them is a hard way to go about it. They are not professionals, they don't understand the disorder, nor do they have much experience of supporting people in your situation. Members here can do a better job of that, because we've all been there and many of us have done a lot of work and we are all still learning and processing.

Having said that, you do need your real-life friends too. You might have to really manage this one carefully. I found that my own friends lost their ability to empathise with me long before I was ready to end the relationship with my own BPD ex. That was hard for me, because it drove me into the r/s even more, in a way, because I could no longer vent or share or ask for support. It made me feel ashamed that I was still involved. None of that was helpful to me, but I also completely understood why my friends just wanted me out.

I couldn't expect my friends to take the time to educate themselves about the complexities of this confusing disorder and to then also try to understand what impulses in me (FOG, more than a touch of co-dependency, and some deeper stuff too) kept me in the r/s. A therapist, or the members here, are in a better position to do those things.

If  you want things to improve between your BP and you, it might be better to take things slowly anyway. The restrictions imposed upon you by your living situations might even help with that. That would be one way to look at it.

What work are you doing on yourself to understand yourself better? Do you think that is something that you would benefit from?  It was said in a different thread: ""When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan." What plan do you have for things improving between you two?

[Tattered Heart]

The thing is I still lover her & care about really deeply that I can't do it.  My friends tell me that if I decide to have a relationship with her that I will loose them as friends (as they don't want to hang out with her). I am living with one of my best friends & he has been there for me when things have gotten difficult.
 

Thanks

THis must be very painful, especially because oftentimes our friends are the only people between our pwBPD and isolation. At the same time it sounds like your friends are setting up boundaries for themselves. If you had a friend who was abusing drugs and kept coming to you asking for support but he kept using drugs, would you continue to support that friend in their drug use? My guess is that's how your friends see this. They do not like you being abused by your gf, so they have to put limits on seeing and supporting you in that situation. It's a tough spot for you I'm sure. I don't know what I would do if I were in the same situation.