Looking for resources; a way to see if this salvageable

[NatureBowee]

My wife(52) and I(53) have been married 29 years. First 2 were a dream. Physical relationship was slow at first but incredible early into first year and continued about a year. We built a life on meager pay- made good financial decisions- bought a home, a car, took vacations- the whole bit was better than I could ask.
>The rest is best described as tolerance on a greased balance beam- overtop a bubbling cauldron of hellfire.
>I'm a former armed forces officer. I now work in technical sales- expense accounts keep me in hotels enough to tolerate my brief sentences in my lovely home.
>We've no children. Sex is infrequent... .not my choice- at least, until lately... .I've finally lost my desire for her- call me hard-headed. I love my wife very much. She says she loves me. Her family is the most of my family network.
>We've wasted thousands and many years in therapy- for most of which, I've earned the role of villian- where I also leave the therapy office with "homework"- which I try to accomplish. That Homework and anything having to do with naming me the "heavy" in the relationship- those tasks get ample attention. But those exercises having to do with a genuine learning... .or anything to do with restoring the physical relationship- those tasks are OUT hardly before we leave the therapist's parking lot.
>I've never been close to my family but have drifted further in marriage. I have recovered a relationship with my two living brothers and some of my cousins with whom I grew up.
>My Wife's mother was abusive, controlling, narcissistic, prude, church-lady, kindergarten principle. My wife, being the oldest, was her mother's first victim of record. Her mother now has alzheimers and, confined to care, has reduced effectiveness as an agent of debilitating evil.  The middle child, a brother, was held on a pedalstal- given everything- scored a responsible, narcissistic wife who supports him and he is very good with their two kids- now teenagers.
Wife's youngest sister- finally- the mother's barbie doll- is beautiful, happily married, and has two wonderful daughters.
Wife's father is a total agent of wife's mother- born again Christian, hard headed, good man overall and well respected in his church and community- he enforces Wive'sMother's agendas to this day- even though the Mother cannot tell you if she has a soiled nappy.
>Wife and Wife's Mother fought quite a lot- they're religious... .Christian... .and wife is quite prude.
>I once thought my wife could do no wrong- and I still treat her that way as much as I can- I'm southern and was raised to do so.
>Obviously, I am the breadwinner of our duo- and we spend quite a lot to distract ourselves from our drama... .that's a big concern to me upon considering a dissolution of this relationship. My wife would obviously have to gut my financially- which I've no doubt she would do in her current emotional state.
>That brings me to here. When I'm at home, it is a total hell. There was a time when I'd go to hotel- even on the weekend- just to give us both some peace. In fact, I nearly did so tonight but risked a return. There are times when it is not a problem. But, when anything is slightly out of balance, she lays on more hell. If I've made a mistake, she 'plays it to the rafters' a cutting chorus!
>I'm no saint and took to alcohol during the first decade- currently attending AA teetotaling for 15 months. In therapy monthly or more for past 70 months.
>Looking for resources; a way to see if this salvageable; and some kind of path forward.
Thanks for Listening!
NatureBowee
>Thinking one or both of us may be BPD

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hisaccount]

I understand where you are coming from, it is like no matter how bad it is we have a sense of duty to our spouses. We made a promise. They have stuck by us this far through everything.

Problem is, you cannot control the other person. That is my problem. She says she wants to change, but then doesn't.
The more I interact in this board I see that the resolution I was hoping for is not good, it is not healthy.

But in the end it takes two. One cannot love enough for both.

[ArleighBurke]

After a long time married to a BPD, it would make sense that you "mimic" many of her BPD behaviours. Whether you have it or not - we'll see... .

There are many people here who make a relationship with a BPD work. You can too if you want. Or, you can try and if it's still not good enough, you can walk away. The choice is yours. There are many skills you can learn to make things better. I don't want to recommend any to start with until we learn more of your situation.

Apart from the lack of sex, what behaviours are in the marriage that don't work? What are you interactions with her like?

[NatureBowee]

Thank you Arleigh,
Sorry for the long delay. This situation swims in my mind constantly. My job requires serious concentration and is entirely overwhelming at the moment. I've been slammed trying to keep my head above water. This relationship is NOT helping that. My excuse. Please forgive.
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On answering your question concerning other areas that are a problem in this situation... .I will list a few from most recently:
1-We cannot discuss anything of significance.
2-On returning home, I feel a foreboding sense of dread. I know that I will certainly break eggshells within five minutes of walking into my back door.
3-In order to minimize confrontations, I feel compelled to a engage in activities (family trips; food choices; finances; cooking; conversations) and anything we do together... .from the absolute most guarded "plain- vanilla" place. I have become very good at "mentally auditioning" my comments and replies before I say them. It results in the most lifeless manner of interacting- and is ineffective at addressing the issues- instead, it seems to make it all the more worse.
4-I remain tempted to schedule my weeks such that I am out of town as much as possible- so that I may stay in hotels and, thereby, avoid sleeping at home. In these holidays, I've worked from home much more than normal- and my work stress has been enormously high.
5-So, recently there has been more frequent; more numerous; and more effective opportunities to sink through the mountain of eggshells- into the vortex of hell- explosions where we 'burn down the relationship'.
6-I'm again having trouble remaining differentiated from the intimately offered characterizations she gives. I'm thoroughly amazed at the EVIL in he MONSTER SHE DESCRIBES- who is, of course, ME. Using terms like "YOU THINK (this#horrible#thing) ABOUT ME!" in order to support the overall story that goes like this "MY LIFE IS RUINED- and ITS ALL YOUR FAULT".  That story has become more saleable since my overdose event.
7-I'm more tempted to become hooked- and, in so doing, I'm returning to self harm- not suicidal- but inflicting physical pain on myself- a behavior from childhood which has returned several times in my life- most recently two days ago.
Writing with acceptance and Certainty that I WILL break eggshells today,
Naturebowee

[ArleighBurke]

Ouch!

That sounds extremely familiar to me, and probably others here. It's certainyl not a great place to be. For me, after a few years of that, I had a mental breakdown. But that was where I was able to rebuild. It took a lot, to be able to separate myself from her, to be able to develop skills in conversation to talk effectively to her, but I was able to. Despite that I still do your 1,3 and 6. I can't see that changing.

Noone would fault you for leaving - if that's what you need to do. You do still have a lot of your life left. And you have no kids so that makes things easy. The only problem is that we are often drawn to the same type of people, so there is a good chance you will subconsciously attract a similar woman next. However, if you can work on yourself and your relationship now, to become a better person with better boundaries and more confidence, then if you do leave you have much less a chance of that happenning.

[NatureBowee]

Thank you for your kindness. You were very helpful to me. I'm sorry to hear of your having to maintain distance. And, of you blaming yourself. I'm still making my way here, so I do not know what to expect or how to behave in this forum. I'm grateful for your ability to relate from your still-in-it place of what I know to be an almost unbearable pain.
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Updating:
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We'd had a good decent days together- a last minute, spontaneously arranged business trip- where she accompanied me. We took in a show- had a good meal- and returned home late last evening.
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Today, I was able to talk through another flare up today and maintain my control. There is enormous bait for doing otherwise-and it would seem to me even a normal man would bite on these hooks that were offered. I remain fascinated and, simultaneously, horrified-and-terrorized. Unfortunately, that seems a familiar place for the both of us. 
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The remarkable items are summarized as follows:
1)We had time together both for coffee / tea in the early morning... .I worked another 5 hours... .and then we went to lunch together.
2)No issues were apparent. I thought we'd had a good time together and was well pleased with the time we had spent.
3)Upon returning home, we looked at a project (remodeling the pantry) together. She had made a list. We looked at it together and started to get snagged. I used empathy language- pointing out that I could understand how she felt this way- and continued the exercise. I tried to stay focused on the project and facts- making measurements for the sketch I'd prepared many months earlier for this project. 
4)Every measurement and sketchmark was taken as grounds for argument- amazingly- and astonishingly fitting into the narrative (Evidence if you will) of my identity as THE OVERBEARING, DEMANDING, KNOW IT ALL HUSBAND, CAN'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING, ALWAYS YELLING, and NEVER GIVING A ___ ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS husband.
If you knew me, you'd know that I'm the absolute opposite of these things. I was calm through most of this- carefully monitoring my TONE- and it was not confrontational.
5)She was escalating the entire time. I let her know that I was feeling attacked. Her ability to turn this around backwards would be the envy of any accomplished trial lawyer. Finally, our project progress was de-railed.
5)When she misrepresented recent history, I said that I was sorry it felt that way as it was not my recollection. I'd carefully kept track of the OFFENSES presented- so, I restated them as I'd experienced them.
6)As forever, this was gasoline on flame- more accusations- and a broadening representation of recent history. She was yelling at me about MY YELLING- which was, of course, entirely in her imagination.
7)She tried to bait me into establishing 'New Rules for talking to each other'- which I wanted no part of- as I've taken that bait many times before- and it is absolutely dry-kindling for a future blaze.
8)Her arguments, at their root, desired for one of us to "agree that (I or She) was clearly in the wrong and that (I or she) was absolutely right. For sure, the only acceptable answer was that IIIII was the one who had offended.
9)I finally and clearly asked "How would I live with myself If I'd been all those terrible things?" ... .showing that there was no place for me to exist within these offered assumptions.
10) I clearly said that I had understood the experience to be a good one and was very surprised to learn that the experiences revisited here had been so terrible.
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I could go on and on but I see I'm nearing the max of characters allowed in a message. Wrapping:
I finally was running out of time and started using the "I'm sorry you feel that way... .I apologize for my part in it" statements. After much of this, she retreated enough for us to disengage... .and I pressed on to finish the sketch and measurements- which outline the limits of the project- as we've fought about the project numerous times with no facts at all.
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It is done. But, I for one, feel horrible and I'm certain she feels the same. I will spend a lot of money on this. And we'll both still feel crappy- and I'm pretty sure I'll re-flash the pain of this each time I see the completed project.
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Hoping you were able to find some peace today? Please tell me how you're doing, as I've dominated the conversation here. Hoping there will be hope,
Naturebowee

[Five28]

Man, I feel bad that you are going through this craziness. I do feel somewhat relieved that I am not the only one going through life married to a crazy woman. I am becoming tired of dealing with this nonsense. It wears down the soul and makes you start questioning yourself. Like you, I am a decent person who tries my best to not offend. I do all of the heavy lifting around here including cooking, cleaning, shopping, repairing, etc. Do I get thanked for my efforts? Hardly. I'm lucky to make it more than a day without some imaginary crisis happening based on something I said, a look that I allegedly gave, or something from the distant past that happened to pop in her head. It's truly a no win situation. I'm hanging on as best as I can but it gets harder each day. I feel like my life is slipping away with no happiness in my future. One thing I would do in your situation though, is NOT spend the money on a remodel. I would save my pennies just in case I ever decided to leave.