irev1
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: January 01, 2017, 02:28:53 PM » |
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Hi bpdfamily,
Boy did I wish I found this community earlier, so much great info I could have used, especially the what NOT to do threads and articles. Here's my long and first post:
To start, I have been married to my S/O since August 2016 but have been with each other for about 3 years. Through the years I have dealt with my wife's symptoms of BPD (intense and destructive anger, impulsive and sometimes harmful behavior, me vs the world, extreme immature behavior, jealousy). I never attributed to a disorder and always chalked it up to her immaturity and/or age (she is 25). Sometimes I would rationalize it as "that's the way she was brought up and that's all she knows how to behave". Ignoring the fact that there could possibly be something else at play. But as the relationship progressed, especially in the past year, it started to get worse and increasingly more destructive. I turned to her parents recently and asked them if she ever exhibited these types of behaviors growing up and, sure enough, they tell me they were dealing with that behavior her entire life. The moment I asked, her step-dad immediately tells me he's sorry that I will now have to go through what they had to deal with for nearly two decades. As expected, she does not think anything is wrong with her and that we're out of our minds. Any problems in our relationship is my fault and that I, exclusively, need to fix it. Not her, not us, just me. Same could be said about her other personal relationships that have been on the rocks.
It might be important to add that she had a pretty rough upbringing. Her mother and father had an abusive relationship where the divorce got ugly. She felt her father never loved her and abandoned her. Her mother remarried and her new husband became the new father figure for my wife but once her younger sister was born she felt that she was pushed to the side. My now in-laws, in my eyes, were and are great and loving parents who I have grown to love and has always supported me, including now.
However, in the past month, it's been the worst it's ever been. Police have now come twice to our household after her destructiveness and violent outbreaks. The first time by a neighbor and the second time I called myself after she started to get physical with me. That call was one of the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She was brought to the police station where they put her on a 24 hr hold after they believed that she would harm herself and was brought to a psychiatric hospital. She was released the next morning but no one knows what happened or what was said because she refused to talk to me or any family members. She has also made it clear to us that she believes her family and I were conspiring against her and that we planned to do this.
After many talks and different approaches, I still wasn't getting anywhere and feel its only gotten worse. She now often believes that the marriage is fake, that I coerced her into it, using her, and I never loved her. No matter what I say or do I can't shake this idea out of her head and it seems like each day the thought is manifesting further. I sometimes do things that I feel would be perceived as being a good husband, however, she lets me know that I'm only doing it to make myself look good and I'm not doing anything for her. On the flip side, if i don't do anything then I become a non-caring/loving husband. I feel trapped. This past month she has now severed relationships with her mother and step-father, her cousin/best friend, made her 12-year old half sister (who idolizes her) cry, and has cut off people who she perceives as anyone that's "on my side" whether they know about the situation or not.
I have never personally dealt with a situation like this and it has taken a toll on me. I do love her and want things to work out but I am now too experiencing depression as it has now bled into other areas in my life including work and social life. I've started to follow some first steps such as listening with empathy and setting boundaries but have been met with resistance and often being told that I'm being fake and untrustworthy when I do. I'm not allowed to walk away when things get bad because she'll explicitly let me know that I'm a coward if i do.
I'm in the midst of finding a specialist for myself to help cope and learn more about BPD. Looking forward to your guys' thoughts as well!
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